Always and forever

17 - Time for reflection

Can

Physiotherapy is not easy, for me who has always been used to doing a lot of sport it is strange to feel such weakness in my limbs, but the doctor tells me that rightly so, after a month of total inactivity, the muscles need time to recover, I must be careful not to overdo it otherwise I could cause serious damage.

As I do the exercises I think that it is not so different from what is going on in my head, I have to be careful what I do otherwise I might hurt others or make bad choices for myself.

In my mind I have just come back from a photo shoot on a volcano in Cambodia and, once I had attended the evening organised to celebrate Fikri Harika's 40th year, I was going to leave within two days for a job that would take me to the most beautiful places in the world. But apparently a certain girl kissed by mistake in the dark of a theatre and my father's request to find out who the agency's spy was, made me change my mind and decide not to leave Istanbul and whoever was there for me anymore.

The problem is that I feel at this moment that I am the international Can photographer with a backpack and passport always ready to go, I can not believe that I am a member of Fikri Harika, that I have put down permanent roots here in Istanbul and I can not understand how I could have made certain choices that seem incomprehensible to me.

After the therapy I take a quick shower and going out on the porch I find a tray covered with a cloth and a note.

"I think you need time to think and put your thoughts in order, I'm afraid that too much information at once will confuse you instead of helping you, but I also don't want you to get tired of preparing food. Since you found what I prepared for you for lunch today acceptable, I decided to tempt fate and let you have dinner. Afiyet olsu, bon appétit and iyi geceler, good night "
Sanem

I smile at the jokes regarding her cooking skills, it's clear she must have been really bad at it in the past and we must have often joked about it together.

I sit down to eat, she's a girl with a heart of gold, there's no doubt about that, I just hope I don't hurt her, she certainly doesn't deserve it, it's a clear concept in my mind.

After finishing dinner I enter the house, lie down on the sofa and decide to call one of the most important people in my life.

- Merhaba Metin, how are you? Great, I am at home, that is where I have been living for the last few months, do you know where it is? Do you want to come by later? Perfect, I'll be waiting for you -

I stare at the ceiling thinking about what to expect from tomorrow, I have no idea. I make a snap decision, I search the address book, of course Sanem's contact is there and I decide to send her a message.

"Thanks for the dinner, it was really good, I wanted to ask you if we can go to the agency tomorrow, I need to figure out what I've been dealing with lately, let me know thank you."

I press send and it isn't long before I hear the signal of an incoming message, it's her.

"You're welcome. If you want to go to the agency there's no problem, I'll see you tomorrow morning at 9.00 , iyi geceler, good night"

I stare at the ceiling with my arms folded behind my head until I hear a car park in the yard outside my house, I go to the door and hug my old friend warmly. Metin was like a brother to me, we lived so much of our youth together that I think he's the person who knows me the most in the world.

I pour a drink and we sit outside on the porch, it's an extremely hot evening for the end of March, he asks me how I am and I can't help but open my heart to him, if I don't do it with him I don't think I'll be able to do it with anyone else.

I tell him about my confusion at finding myself living a life that doesn't belong to me, a girlfriend, the partnership with the agency, having sold my boat, it all seems absurd and surreal. Metin listens to me in silence for a long time, when I finish speaking he rests his elbows on his knees and looks at me seriously.

-Can you look, we have seen very little of each other in these two years, first because due to a misunderstanding you didn't want me as a lawyer for the agency, then because you were away for a whole year without having any contact with anyone. When you came back you looked me up and apologised, we haven't seen each other much in the last few months but I was the one who negotiated the sale of your boat and I can guarantee that you were more than convinced to do it, when I asked you if you were sure about it you replied that you didn't need it any more, that your whole world was here, your world was Sanem and you hoped with all your heart that she would accept you back at her side.

I've seen you two together on a few occasions and I have to tell you man you were lost to that girl, you were from the beginning actually, but the distance had somehow made your love for her even deeper.
I can only advise you not to be hasty in your decisions, you came to have very intense feelings for her, there was always something special that brought you together, something unique or you wouldn't have asked her to marry you don't you think?

Don't hurt her Can, Sanem is a beautiful person and she suffered a lot because of your departure, she had hardly recovered after her hospitalization when you came back... -

- Dur, dur, dur, stop, stop, stop, what hospitalization? -

- Didn't she tell you?

-No, I don't know anything, I'm hearing it from you for the first time now, why was she admitted? -

-If she didn't tell you, she must have her own reasons and I won't do it Can, I'm sorry.
I love Sanem very much, she is a dear girl and doesn't deserve such suffering, you called me when you proposed and she accepted, you were over the moon and told me you finally felt complete with her around.
Think carefully about what you do Can, I can only advise you this-

Metin's words add up to my father's, they both told me pretty much the same thing and I can't help but trust their wise advice, they know me more than anyone else and I have to listen to their recommendations.

Sakin ol, calm Can, take all the time you need to let all the information that seems to be overwhelming you right now settle in, give yourself time.

Sakin ol.