Always and forever

26 -Remembrance

Sanem

His kiss is different from all the ones we've shared so far, I feel like I'm being kissed by a completely different person even though it's still him, I recognise the firmness of the chest I'm clinging to, his scent, his full lips, the beard tickling my face.

There is something different about this kiss, at first perhaps there was curiosity, but soon various emotions were added and mixed up.
I feel the passion like never before, despite our great love Can has always measured out the passion of his kisses, perhaps for fear of going too far, but now I distinctly feel his desire, a ravenous and delicate kiss at the same time that takes me into a new dimension, never experienced before.

He holds me in his arms with a desperate strength and I feel the astonishment of feeling familiar but at the same time estranged as I do with him right now.
The breaths come together more and more hastily, the arms holding me leave me to bring his hands to my cheeks, on my neck, in my hair and then back down my spine.
I feel a shiver follow his touch, a shiver that no longer has anything to do with the cold and so much to do with him, with this new Can.

I sense a kind of frenzy in him, a need that goes beyond physical urgency, a need to find out what we are together, what has brought us together in the past and what can be there for us in the future.

He moves his lips away from mine, rests his forehead on mine, takes a deep breath and shakes his head, whispers:

- 'I have to go Sanem, I need to be alone, sorry -

Saying this, he turns and walks away as if the devil was after me, leaving me alone with my fears.

I suddenly feel cold again.

I wrap my arms around my torso to warm up and maybe console myself for the umpteenth blow to my already distressed heart, then I head home sighing.
I try to regain control of my emotions still in turmoil from that devastating kiss. I try to be optimistic, maybe the fact that he's confused is a good sign, I think, but it would be a problem if he were indifferent.
Maybe he's felt some unknown sensations that have shaken him and that might not be a bad thing at all.

As I walk slowly home I think about what I decided in the afternoon: let go, let what Can wants to happen between us happen.
He felt the need to kiss me, maybe just to understand, and now he's confused, there's nothing I can do but give him time and space to think.

Sighing I get ready for the night, I haven't had a chance to tell him that I'm not going to the agency tomorrow, I have an appointment here at the estate with my publisher to take stock of the new book. I have to send him a message at this point to warn him, I hope he doesn't interpret it the wrong way, I hope he doesn't think I'm offended or angry about what happened.

"Can, I forgot to tell you that I'm not coming to the agency tomorrow, I have to meet my publisher, it was already decided long ago and I forgot to warn you.
It has nothing to do with what happened I want to make it clear. Iyi geceler, good night."
Sanem

I send and then wait for a reply from him, I don't even have time to put the phone down next to me when a notification comes - Okay -

Lapidary, not a word more, not a word less, I sigh and prepare myself for another sleepless night thinking about HIM, my HIM, the one I miss terribly, the man who promised me eternal love and who is now gone.

His memory warms my soul once again, my photographic memory allows me to relive every expression, every smile, every loving glance.

For now I have to be content with this, who knows if one day it will no longer be useful or if instead it will only be the memory I will have of him for all my days to come.