Always and forever

64 - At home

Sanem

We had a wonderful day which, if possible, made me love this cheerful and carefree man even more, whom I had never met before in Can, and who seems genuinely willing to make a new beginning with me.

I thank him for making me happy and I can't resist, I feel the need to embrace him and place my ear on his heart, that heart that had stopped for endless moments making me feel the terror of having lost it forever only to return to beat without any more feeling for me.

He hugs me tightly and rests his chin on my head as he has done thousands of times in the past, I sigh intoxicated by his warmth, his scent, his closeness. We stay like this for a long time, just paying to be together again and have a new chance to get to know each other.

I raise my face to look at him, he lowers his and our breaths merge, our noses touch, the look we share says so much about what we are recovering and what the future may hold for us. He leans his forehead against mine - Do you have any idea of the effect how you make me Sanem? -

I smile - Yes, I think it's very close to what you do to me Can, but since we said to take things slowly I think I'd better go take a shower and get ready for the night, then I'll leave the bathroom free for you, it's been a long journey and a tiring day not to mention the time difference -

I let go of his embrace and I'm about to walk away towards the bedroom when he takes my hand, brings me back into his arms, places a light kiss on my cheek then for a moment hides his face in my neck and inhales - Thank you for giving me the opportunity to stay here with you, to be close to you -

- That's not fair! How can we resist him? -

I agree with my mental voice, my heart beats at a crazy pace and I'm out of breath from the excitement and thrill of his closeness.

- Throw yourself Sanem! -

- I'd better go - I melt from his embrace and run to my room and from there to the bathroom, I close the door and lean against it trying to regain control of myself. My voice is a good advisor, she has lost all restraint and inhibitions when it comes to Can Divit, trust me!

- I told you, how can we resist him? -

We have to, letting go now may be wonderful but it would only complicate an already decidedly confused situation, before we get to a more intimate relationship we need to get our feelings straight.

Once ready for the night I leave the room to let him know that the bathroom is free, I find him sitting on one of the chairs on the terrace looking at the reflection of the moon on the ocean, the rhythmic and relaxing sound of the waves comes distinctly to us, this place seems like a dream.

He looks up at me when he hears me approach - It's beautiful here, Sanem, you've made a good choice.

I sit in the small armchair next to his and bring my feet up on the chair to hug my knees tightly - I was thinking the same thing, I'm glad I came -

- And I'm glad I followed you and that pyjama of yours which, if I'm not mistaken, I've seen you wear on a couple of occasions in the past. Is that so? -

I look at the black 'LA LA LA' print on a white background of my pyjama and remember wearing it during our night together in that hotel I had joined him in when he ran away from me and the night we slept in my bed at my parents' house after the night at the bar.
I look at him in amazement - Hatırlıyor musun? Do you remember? -

He nods - I told you that when I'm around you, I have more and more frequent flashes - He gets up, leans over to place a light kiss on my head and whispers - I told you that you are my wonderful medicine Sanem - He goes into the house and leaves me there, my heart beating fast with the hope that a miracle will happen and Can will remember everything we experienced together.

Entering the house my gaze falls on Bebe ayi, the teddy bear that won for me at the carnival and then on the couch which looks very uncomfortable and small for a man of Can's size, I sigh, I can't expect him to cower in such a small space.

- Yes, yes, of course I agree with you, let's have him sleep with us -

Susmak, shut up!
It's not going to be easy to keep the boiling spirits of my inner voice at bay by the looks of it, I walk into my room and the sound of water running in the shower conjures up untimely thoughts that certainly don't help to calm her down.
Rolling my eyes as I slip under the covers, I quickly text my parents to reassure them of my arrival. I'm checking the messages in my inbox when I hear the bathroom door open, I absentmindedly look up and can't help but freeze. He's only got a towel around his hips, his loose hair still wet and letting drops fall on his damp chest and the albatross tattoo I've missed so much.

- I'm sorry, I forgot to take the clothes out of the suitcase before going into the bathroom - I force myself to look away from him even though I can't help but peek in every now and then as he fumbles around his luggage and notice the muscles in his backside tighten with every movement.

He turns around during one of those peeks and I see him barely hold back a smile as he heads back towards the bathroom.

- Ah Sanem ah, then I'd be the one with the hot flashes -

Susmak, shut up!
I lie down and turn on my side trying to regain my composure. Shortly after I hear the door open again, I sit on the bed as I see him heading towards the living room -Can? - He stops and turns to look at me - If you want you can sleep here, the couch is too small to allow you to rest comfortably - Ok -  Quickly he gets on the other side of the bed and slips under the covers turning on his side to look at me, I'm amazed as in the past by the speed with which he accepted, I lie down again, turn off the lamp on the bedside table and remain rigid looking at the ceiling.

- Sanem? -

-Uhm-

- Come here, I just want to hold you, I missed you so much and last night I enjoyed holding you like this too much- I don't have time to utter a word that he's on my side of the bed and has me in his strong arms, I can't help but lean my head into the hollow of his shoulder and sigh in ecstasy.

Is there anything more beautiful than being here with him, held in his embrace, with the rhythm of his heart in the background of my dreams that only he can have as a protagonist?

I fall asleep instantly tired but happy as I haven't been for months, I feel complete... finally at home.