Always and forever

75 - Two hearts for you

Can

I am happy, we are sailing fast towards our future together, towards a journey and a time that will be just for us, we deserve it after all we have lived through and the difficulties that our love has gone through.

I am at the helm of the boat heading towards a breathtaking sunset that can only serve as a backdrop to the thing I love most in the world, the profile of the woman who has stolen my heart and soul and whom I still find hard to believe is mine, that she is finally and forever my wife.

I'm thinking about this as I take my eyes off her for a second to look at the bow of the boat in front of me and in an instant I'm hit by an endless myriad of images and sensations, my head throbs so hard that I feel the need to bring a hand to my temple as if to ease the pain I feel.

I soon realise that the pain is not in my head but in my chest, in my heart, it is the anguish of losing her, the despair of not being able to have her close to me every moment, I feel the oppression that grips my heart at the thought of never seeing her again, of having lost her trust and her love.

I instinctively stop the boat while in front of my eyes millions of images of us flow, some of which I had already recovered in recent months and others that I relive for the first time, I see them parade in my mind going to position themselves in a precise place in a sort of storyline that brings every image, every event and every mood to the right place.

I see myself backstage at the theatre for the 40th anniversary of Fikri Harika, then that breathtaking kiss in the dark and from there thousands of frames parade neatly through my mind: her perfume - hope - happiness - love - pain - anger - desire - love - longing - "will you marry me?" - doubt - pain - anger - "I'm leaving" - nostalgia - love - jealousy - ardour - "will you marry me?" - jealousy - pain - "don't leave my hand" - hoşçakal goodbye - pain - anguish - loss - despair.

I feel a touch on my face that rallies me from the myriad of images that are being projected in my mind.

- Can aşkım, what's going on? Are you OK? -

I lower my gaze to observe in every detail the face of the woman who, I now know with certainty, I have always loved.
Even before knowing who she was and what her features were, it was enough for me to feel her, warm and soft in my arms, to perceive her scent of wild flowers, to lose my head for this wonderful woman that I have made suffer so much in these two years together and that now, finally, I remember moment by moment.

- Sanem? -

I see her worried gaze pointing at me, scanning me for a clue to what is going on in my head, I smile thinking that my Sanem can't help but take care of the one she loves, worrying and doing everything to make him happy.

I take her by the hand and guide her towards the padded sofa where she was sitting until a while ago, now I'm the one who puts my hand on her cheek caressing it with my thumb up to those full lips that drive me crazy.

- Can what happened to you? Do you feel sick?

I shake my head smiling softly and looking at her with all the love that not one heart, but two separate and distinct hearts have been able to feel for her.

- I don't feel bad, on the contrary, I feel finally complete and happy, happy to have found you again in every moment and in every memory my sweet Sanem -

I see her eyes open wide and hold her breath - Hatırlıyor musun do you remember? -

I nod smiling excitedly as I take her hands in mine and stroke her back with my thumb.
- Everything Sanem, I remember everything about you and us, I remember every shy glance we had in the beginning, every touch and love from a distance, every difficulty and all the trials we overcame because of our love. I remember everything Sanem, it was this boat, that was what I needed to face in order to heal I think, I had to remember all the suffering I felt during that year away from you on this boat, it was heartbreaking beyond measure as it had been for you who had stayed in Istanbul.
Finding out what had happened to you, your hospitalisation and the treatment you had to undergo, made me experience endless remorse and anguish, the guilt of abandoning you tore me apart and devastated Sanem, I think my mind refused to remember and experience it again.

The old Can has never asked for forgiveness enough for abandoning you, for hurting you so deeply Sanem. The new Can, who has learnt to express his feelings, wants to do so now,  forgive me Sanem, forgive me for all the suffering I caused you in the past and again for all the suffering I caused you in the months after my accident. I think my mind wanted to forget everything because maybe I never forgave myself for what I had caused you and those around you in that terrible year.

If I had been stronger, firmer in my love for you, I would never have left you.

You accused me one evening on the pier of the estate, "If you had really loved me you would never have left me". You are right Sanem, I had to go through hell on earth, or more precisely at sea, to understand how much I really loved you, the Can who left Istanbul on this boat did not know how to love as deeply and sincerely as the man who returned a year later.

I'm here Sanem, the two personalities have finally found each other and now you have before you both: the old Can, who asked you to marry him under a cascade of thousands of lights on a cold December night, and the new Can who promised you eternal love on a Californian beach.

You managed to steal both of our hearts because it couldn't be any other way, my heart has always belonged to you, it has always recognised yours as the other missing half of a unique and wonderful entity.

I am deeply sorry for all the suffering I have caused you in these months of oblivion, for my departure to Venezuela and for the careless words I have uttered, but all this has served me to learn to look deeply into myself and to openly express the emotions and feelings that are all focused and directed towards you Sanem.

I was jealous of the old Can, because of how much you loved him and how much he loved you, but I have come to feel exactly the same feelings by choosing you again, I will always do that Sanem, I will always choose you, only you forever.

What do you say? Do you want us both now and forever by your side? -

My Sanem cries, I see her moved as I've never seen her before, now I can say it with full knowledge of the facts, she holds my face tightly in her hands and gives me a breathtaking kiss that says it all about love, acceptance and forgiveness. Only much later will we be able to pull away to look deeply into each other's eyes in love as never before.

- Can Divit, rest assured, I will love again and again every version of you, every facet, every man you decide to be, I cannot and will not do without you ever again.

You have always been and will always be my one and only love, of this you must never doubt, never!