Always and forever

40 - New awareness

Can

I arrive at the estate after the sun has set, hardly realising that I have spent the whole day sitting on those rocks brooding.

I take a quick shower, change to make myself presentable and retrace my steps with Sanem to go to Mihriban and my father's for dinner. How beautiful she looked that night in that dress? That kiss on the pier must have made me realise that she was something special to me but, once again, the strong sensations I felt had only had the effect of scaring me away.

That kiss had caused an explosion of passion, an intense and deep sensation, I had felt there was something I had never felt with any woman before her, I had felt for the first time the sensation of belonging to someone and this awareness had terrified me.

I arrive at the cottage and knock, Mihriban opens the door and looks at me astonished, she tells me that if I look for Aziz he still hasn't returned from the agency.

- No, I didn't come for my father, I came for you, can we talk? -

-Tabiki, of course come let's sit outside, it's such a nice evening! -

We sit together on a bench in his garden, I'm embarrassed, we hardly know each other. I take a deep breath and ask - Mihriban do you know where Sanem is? -

He remains silent for a few moments, then turns to look at me - She called me this morning, she didn't tell me where she was, he just said she was fine and will be back in a few days, after...-

I nod, lowering my head - After I leave right? -

- What do you want Can, that as you are leaving she is waving smiling from the driveway waving a white handkerchief?
What more do you want from this girl?
You had her love,  her heart, her loyalty, her trust and you didn't know what to do with it, what more do you want? - Breathe deeply then ask me:
- Do you know how Sanem and I met? -

- I asked her but she gave an evasive answer and changed the subject, how did you meet? -

- I was one of the volunteers who visited the sick in the clinic where she was admitted.

I turn and look at her astonished.

- Evet, yes, for years I have been going once a week to that clinic to bring some cut flowers from my garden to brighten up the patients' rooms, as soon as I saw her I knew she was a wonderful creature, I could feel it.
I don't want to go into details, but suffice it to say that it wasn't her, Sanem simply wasn't there, it was a body with no heart or soul, she had given them to her albatross who had taken them away with him.
It was not at all easy for her to climb back up the slope of despair into which she had fallen, it took months to see a spark of life and months more for a smile.
I wanted her here with me because I knew that this was what she needed at that moment, that this place would be good for her, that it would help her find herself, and so it was.
She gradually blossomed again, she couldn't be called happy, but she was slowly regaining vivacity and energy, but only when you came back I could see that wonderful girl she had been coming back to life. Do you know why she called me Can? To tell me she's leaving -

I gasp at this news. - How will she leave? -

- She said she is coming to collect her things to move elsewhere, given my connection with Aziz she said it is only fair that he can have his son near him when he decides to return, she feels out of place now and said it is better that she takes her own way, make her own life elsewhere -

I lower my head once more, the guilt is now eating away at me, I've taken away even the oasis of peace she loved so much, she's severing all ties with me, the agency, the estate is making sure there's no way we can meet in the future

I get up suddenly and start pacing back and forth running my hands through my hair, I feel like I can't breathe.

- What have I done Mihriban? I destroyed everything, I hurt her and I destroyed everything. I have done everything wrong, everything with her, I would like to fix it somehow, but I don't know what to do. I'm leaving Mihriban, I can't back out now, how can I leave this confusing situation behind me? -

-Can listen, I don't really know where she is, I'm sorry I can't help you, but I can tell you one thing: love, true love, crosses all boundaries including the boundaries of time.
Look at me and your father, if it's love, true love, it will resist everything and overcome everything even thirty years apart.
If it's true love you won't stop fighting, looking for her, wanting her, if you can't talk to her before you leave use this time to dig deep, ask yourself what you really feel and depending on the answer you'll give yourself you can act accordingly once you're back -

I nod - You're right, making promises today telling her that we'll talk about it when I come back is a further insult, another wound to make up for. I was rash, I didn't think before acting and once again I am making the same mistake, it is clear that she doesn't want to be found right now and to reach her and then leave her immediately afterwards to go away would be a very bad idea. I'm still confused and I would risk doing further damage, it's probably best that I go, do my job and come back as soon as possible to have a serious talk with her, calmly, not with boarding passes in my trouser pocket.

Thank you Mihriban, you were invaluable, you welcomed me and advised me like a son. I won't forget that.

She comes closer and puts her hand on my cheek smiling sadly - How I wish you were really my son, if things had taken a different course you would have been, but nothing can stop you from being one in the future. Sometimes the bonds you choose can be much deeper than the natural ones, you just have to want them.

I'm here whenever you want, I love you both, you and Sanem, I wish you all the best that your heart can desire -

Her words move me, it's nice to be able to taste the maternal warmth that I've always lacked, maybe that's where a lot of my fears about love are to be found, in the fact that I haven't received any, so I feel like I don't know it and therefore don't know how to feel it.

I place a kiss on her cheek and I go home, she has been a great comfort to me and has helped me to clarify my ideas, I cannot go to Sanem promising to think about it, at this point I have to go back to Sanem knowing that I want her, I want her always and forever.