Always and forever

31 - Hard truths

Can

The days that follow never seem to go by, I go running morning and evening as I did before the accident, it has always helped me to relieve tension and I am happy to be able to do it again. Before leaving, Kemal left me all the necessary contacts to make arrangements with the English publishing house, but I have not called them yet.
I don't know what I'm waiting for, maybe to talk to her before going ahead with everything, even though the decision has been made, I can't back out anymore, the publishing house is counting on my commitment and I don't want to make my friend look bad.
I just have to think about the best way to tell Sanem without hurting her, I have to make her understand that I need this now.
On the morning of the day I think she's coming back I look out into Deren's office to ask for news about her but she tells me that Sanem has decided to stay in Sile to work on her new book and wait directly there for the crew to arrive.

A week, a whole week to go until the date set for the photo shoot, I will have to wait a week before I see her again, a week without her.

The thought doesn't make me feel at ease, I don't understand if it's because I would like to deal with her immediately about the departure or because I will simply miss her silent presence that has become so essential to me. Has she been able to make herself indispensable in such a short time or is it the Can in love with her in me that misses her as if it lacked air?

If I can't seem to wait a week to see her, how can I think of going to the ends of the earth for three months without even being able to hear her, given the inaccessible places I will have to cross?

I continue to be more confused than ever, on the one hand Metin, Emre, my father who tell me to think carefully about what I decide to do, on the other my restless soul wants to leave, to escape from this situation which seems unbearable. I feel distressed, I have only mixed feelings, the sense of guilt for the suffering I am causing her clashes with her absence which weighs on my heart like a boulder.

The week drags on in a way that is almost intolerable, I leave Istanbul early in the morning excited to see her again and anxious at the idea of what I will have to say to her, the two hours of driving should have helped me to recover some semblance of composure, but when I park in front of the hotel that will host us I have no idea what to do. My heart pounding, my palms sweating, I get out of the car to get my luggage and check in at reception.

I go up to the room to leave my bag, I go out onto the terrace to admire the view of the open sea, I take a deep breath wondering if I should call her to let her know that I have arrived, she is expecting us at lunchtime, the others will in fact arrive later, it was me who decided to leave earlier. I lower my gaze from the horizon to the beach and I see her, she is walking on the shoreline: it seems like a vision.
She's walking slowly, holding her long hair on one shoulder to prevent the wind from pushing it onto her face, shoes in her hand, she's wearing a long dress that wraps around her thin body, from a distance I can't see her expression clearly, but I have the feeling that this solitary figure is feeling an infinite sadness.

My heart tightens at the idea of what I'm doing to her, a superior force urges me to run to her, without knowing why or what I'm going to tell her. I leave the room and I'm so impatient that I don't even want to wait for the lift, I go down the stairs from the third floor in an instant and I'm in the street, I cross without almost looking and I run towards the side of the beach where I saw her walking just before.
I see her lift her skirt up to her knees and enter the water, she looks like one of the mythical sea nymphs, she raises her face to the sun and smiles, she is such a special girl, she seems to enjoy everything, even just the caress of the waves and the warmth of the sun.
I am afraid to approach her, I don't want to ruin this moment of communion with nature, I remain fascinated, I see her breathing deeply with her eyes closed for a long time then she slowly returns to the beach and lets her dress fall down. She picks up her shoes that she had left a short distance away and walks in my direction, towards the hotel, her gaze is low, she seems thoughtful, then finally she raises it when she is close to where I am, she looks at me surprised.

- Can? Günaydın, good morning how come you are here already? Weren't you supposed to be here at lunchtime? -

I don't answer, I stay looking at her for a long time, it seems to me that I'm seeing her for the first time, these days of distance now allow me to look at her with more objectivity, she is no longer the girl who claims to be engaged to me of the first moments after I woke up, she is simply a beautiful girl who I might have met today for the first time and, who knows, I might decide to court. The conditioning of the situation we found ourselves in prevented me from being objective in looking at her, she is truly a rare beauty.

She continues to look at me questioningly, my long silence seems strange to her, I realise this and try to shake off my thoughts, I look away feeling guilty for what I will have to tell her soon.

- I decided to come early to see what the light is like at different times of the day, that's why I'm already here-.

She lowers her head and nods - Tamam, if you want to go and see the light of the location is over there, in front of those rocks. I'll see you later at lunch with the crew then, görüşürüz goodbye-

She leaves me there passing me by decisively, I couldn't care less about the light and I wasn't able to take advantage of the fact that we were alone to talk to her, to tell her what I care most about telling her. I shake my head and turn to look at her, she showed a coldness that she had never before had towards me, she caught me off guard and I wasn't able to find an excuse to keep her from leaving, damn you Can.

It won't be easy to talk to her once filming starts and all the agency guys are here, ah Cah  ah, what are you going to do?

You have a plane ticket booked in five days, when are you going to tell her?