Always and forever

33 - Uncertainty

Can

It was a frustrating day, I couldn't get a moment alone with her to talk to her, there was always someone there, seeing her sitting at the bar smiling with the waiter sent blood to my brain, I stroked her shoulders in an intimate gesture once again as if to let the guy know it was forbidden territory. She remained cold, she completely ignored me, I'm not used to this she was always so sweet and welcoming to me.

I had no desire to go out with the crew, I was hoping to be able to stay with her and talk but when I realised Sanem was going with them I decided to follow her and luckily so because it only took a couple of glasses of an alcoholic drink to get her drunk. I was enchanted watching her dancing free and sensual, with a smile that, since I met her again after my awakening, I had never had the chance to see, it's a contagious smile, she has a unique light that comes from inside and conquers everyone around her and I'm not the only one to notice it, I see several customers giving her interested looks. It was also for this reason that, when at the end of the evening the DJ put on a slow song, that I rushed to pick her up in my arms before someone else did.

As much as it felt right to do so, holding her in my arms gave me a sense of wholeness, of recognition, of belonging that I don't think I've ever experienced before in my life. The words she said to me while looking at me seriously tore my soul apart, her altered state from alcohol made her speak freely and it was Sanem's wounded heart that rebuked me for breaking my promise not to hurt her any more, that told me to go my way free, that she gives up because she can't force me to love her.

I felt like a petty being to have decided to go, to have decided to leave her even though I knew what we were to each other, what she had experienced because of me and I, again, would soon hurt her. I was about to retort to her words when she simply laid her head on my chest and lost all contact with the outside world. I barely managed to get her to walk to the hotel, which thankfully was close by. Once in the lift I held her tightly to me for support but also to have the opportunity to taste her warmth and that scent that drives me crazy. When the lift doors opened I carried her in my arms to the room number I read on the tag attached to the key in her purse, I laid her down on the bed but realized she would sleep uncomfortably wearing those tight jeans. It was sweet torture undressing her, an unfamiliar emotion took hold of me, my hands began to shake, I was keenly aware that I was doing this for the first time and it was something that who knows how many times I had dreamed of doing. I couldn't help realising how beautiful she was, this morning I had described her as a sea nymph, now I could have described her as the goddess of the night, her hair spread across the pillow, that supple neck, that perfect body with diaphanous skin that seemed to glow in the moonlight filtering through the open window.

I had to make a superhuman effort to decide to cover her up and move away, I wanted to lie beside her and take her in my arms, bring my lips to the hollow of her neck and inhale that wonderful scent for the whole night.

I sat on a small armchair in front of the window looking at her delicate profile for hours, I let my hair down so I could rest my head comfortably on the backboard and look at the ceiling trying to put my confused thoughts in order. The way I look at her is changing, the way I feel her is changing, that kiss, the dance tonight, everything tells me that there is something special, unique between us, as everyone has kept telling me since I woke up with no memory of her.

I should have listened to my father and Metin, I was hasty in making the decision to leave and now I can't back out anymore, I should have taken the time to get used to her, to know her and recognize her and instead now I find myself in the position of having to explain to her that I'm leaving, I'm afraid of how she might react. I've already hurt her so much, I promised her I wouldn't do it again and instead...