Always and forever

34 - The truth

Sanem

I stare at the ceiling for a long time, holding the pillow, which still has traces of its scent, against me.
I knew very well what I was doing last night, I can't say that I was under the effects of alcohol, on the contrary it's only thanks to that that I was able to leave behind any qualms to live the most incredible night of my life.

I don't regret a single moment, it's what I wanted to live at least for once, I have been longing for that wonderful man for two long years and I will probably continue to do so for the rest of my life. Until now I could only imagine, but now I can live with memories that my mind can recall and savour whenever it wants.

I know why he left, I know there's something he hasn't had the courage to confess yet and this morning he preferred to run away rather than do it.

I get up sighing, I have a hectic day ahead of me on set and my feelings have to be put aside. There's nothing I can do at the moment, I continue to be of the opinion that I need to let go, things or him, we'll see which.

I don't go down for breakfast, I go straight out of the hotel and head for the opposite side of the beach from where the set will be. I need to breathe, I need to regain control of myself, I need to find the strength to face this day.

Today is the last day of shooting, tonight everyone will leave, but I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet, maybe I'll stay here for a few more days, now my beloved estate is no longer a happy oasis for me, it's too full of bittersweet memories and I don't want to go back there.

I sit down on the sand already warmed by the sun, I look up to observe the flight of the seagulls, breathing deeply, I try not to think about anything, especially not about what happened last night.

There will be plenty of time to relive it and savour it again, right now it can only help to destabilise me, I don't know what to expect from him, I have to be ready for anything.
I stand up shaking the sand left on my dress, come on Sanem, you have work to do and a life to face.
Walk like this, one step after the other, don't let yourself get overwhelmed, you can cope with anything and you have to be prepared for anything.

I am almost there when I see Can break away from a group of cameramen and run towards me with his camera around his neck, ready to start shooting.

He stops uncertainly in front of me - Günaydın, good morning Sanem -.

I look up at him - Günaydın, good morning Can -

I see him awkwardly, he brings his hands to fix his hair tied up again - How about afterwards, instead of having lunch at the hotel with the others, we go out for lunch together? -

- Alright, see you later then -

I pull away to break the awkwardness I feel in him, I know him too well by now, what he has to tell me is obviously causing him anxiety, I sigh loudly, we'll see what it's all about soon it seems. Now I'd better concentrate on work, there's nothing I can do but wait.

The hours pass quickly on the set, shots, change of clothes, make-up, new sets to set up, with the precious help of Ayfer everything goes smoothly. There is a model who, since yesterday, seems not to be able to take her eyes off the photographer, I immediately noticed the allusive way in which she smiles at him even if, I must say, it does not seem to affect the professional attitude that Can has always had at work.

This did not escape Ayfer who, as usual, has to comment on every possible gossip - But look at that dead cat, what does she think she's doing? She doesn't look like the Can bay type to me -

I turn to look at her remembering that she came to the agency after Can's accident, she probably doesn't know about our previous engagement, I don't comment and continue to watch Can snap, I can't help but notice once again how sexy his way of moving is when he's working, it's breathtakingly beautiful in fact, how can you resist him.

I try to shake off these inappropriate thoughts when I hear Ayfer continue - He's a really good photographer, I've seen some of the shots he's taken in the past around the world, no wonder he's still sought after by so many newspapers, he's one of the best in his field, no doubt about it. I'm sure that this reportage will be a success too -

I turn to look at her questioningly - What reportage? -

- Can bay is leaving in a few days for Venezuela, don't you know? I booked his plane tickets, he's going to London for a few days and then to Caracas, he'll be away for a few months, think what an incredible adventure, crossing the Andes with refugees fleeing the misery of Venezuela to seek their fortune in Colombia. It must be a wonderful experience! -

I'm not listening to her any more, all I can hear is a dull rumble and one sentence keeps repeating in an endless loop - He's leaving again. It's going away again. He's leaving again. He's leaving again. He's leaving again.

I walk away from the set without realising, I don't hear anything, I don't see anything as I had promised myself that morning, I just try to put one foot in front of the other, walk and breathe, walk and breathe - He's going away again. He's leaving again. He's leaving again. He's leaving again. He's leaving again.

Here comes my inner voice, it had been missing for a few days now .

- Sakin ol kızım, calm down girl, calm down. He told you he wants to talk to you, listen to what he wants to say, maybe it's not what you think, sakin ol -

Now I know what he wanted to talk to me about from the first moment he arrived, that guilty look in his eyes was due to the fact that he doesn't know how to tell me that he will continue his life as before we met, that he has nothing left to keep him tied to Istanbul, that's what he had to tell me and he didn't know how to do it.

I don't know what last night meant to him, I don't know how these things are normally handled in his world, but I can't believe that the gentleness of his caresses, the passion of his kisses, the desperation with which he held me close meant nothing to him. I felt him involved almost as much as I did, or maybe I am deluding myself, maybe my inexperience sees something where there is none.

I walk for a long time, until the sandy beach ends and the rocks begin, I can't do anything but turn back, slowly trying to regain control of myself.

I return to the set some time later, I needed time to regain some semblance of composure, it wasn't easy but as my inner voice says I have to stay calm, I'll listen to what it has to say but there's little I can do about it anyway, the decision has already been made, the tickets booked, it's just a matter of taking note of what has already been decided. I'm happy to have found out from Ayfet by chance, so that I can prepare myself and have a composed reaction when he tells me.

The shooting is now in its final stages, the last shots and everyone is moving to set up and start preparing for the shoot that will take place in the afternoon. I help Ayfet to put in place the costumes that the models are taking off and prepare those for the next set, I hear a phone ringing on the table under the art direction stand, I turn around and it seems to be Can's. I take it in my hand to bring it to him and I can't help but see the name that appears on the display, I stand there with my mouth open, I can't believe it. The persistent ringing quickly brings me back to reality, I hand the phone to Ayfer and beg her to take it to Can while I finish setting up.

He is not far away, I can distinctly hear his voice from behind the stage clothes stand - Hello Polen, yes I'm fine thanks, uh uh, I understand, alright I'll call you when I get there, görüşürüz goodbye -

I can't believe it, in a moment Ayfer's words come back to my mind - He's going to London for a few days and then to Caracas -

Now I can see everything with much more clarity, now I understand that Can's mind is really stopped at that March 2019, he feels he is a globetrotting freelance photographer and still has his connection with Polen.

Ok, sakin ol, calm down Sanem you now have the complete picture in front of you, all the pieces you didn't want to see until now have fallen into place and the mosaic Can has built for himself is clearly that of his life before you, you just have to be able to come to terms with it.