Always and forever

18 - Possibilities

Sanem

He wants to go to the agency, I hope it's a good idea, I think he should take some time to rest and then... then I don't want to admit it even to myself, but I'm afraid this new Can finds the routine work of an advertising agency boring and is tempted to go back to what he used to do.

Sanem, who, in order not to lose him, told him lies, hid truths that she knew would upset him, in the end suffered too much for his abandonment and I think that deep down she is still terrified that he might leave her.
In this situation, then, the possibility is not so remote, my albatross in love is no longer there, he no longer recognises the one he had chosen as his companion for life and could decide to fly again across the oceans as he had always done before.

I try to shake myself, I mustn't let myself be overwhelmed by these negative thoughts, I breathe deeply closing my eyes as I was taught during the months I was in therapy, it's the only way to keep anxiety at bay, I must keep control of my fears and defeat them with a good dose of optimism.

I got up early to take my time, prepare a hearty breakfast and leave it on the table like dinner the night before. It is said that the way to a man's heart also passes through his stomach, who knows!
Who would have thought it once! You've changed so much Sanem, not only have you learnt to cook but you've become strong, you'll be able to overcome this too, don't get discouraged.

I eat something too, I get ready quickly and at 9.00 am in front of the driveway leading to his house. I see him leaving the house, he has tied up his hair again as he did in the early days, he is always beautiful but this gesture somehow disturbs me, it seems indicative of the fact that he feels he is THAT Can, the one who has just returned to Istanbul, the globetrotting photographer.

I try not to think about it and greet him warmly.
- Günaydın, good morning Can, I called a taxi, I don't drive and your car was destroyed in the accident.

-You're right, I didn't think about the fact that I don't have a means of transport anymore, if I decide to stay I have to think about getting a new car-.

His words are a stab in the heart for me, so that's it, I haven't misinterpreted the signals, mine aren't unfounded fears, he's really thinking that going back to his former life is one of the options.

I turn around and walk towards the gate so he doesn't read the dismay that I think is clearly visible on my face right now, I hear him talking but at first I don't catch anything he said, his words have been overpowered by the beat of my crazy heart that I can hear booming in my ears.
It's at that moment that a strange thing happens, I hear her, she's back, after a long time she's back.

- Have you heard from Sanem? He wants to go, he wants to leave you again -

No, I don't want to listen to her, I want to ignore her so she will leave again, I haven't heard the voice in my head for a long time, since the first skirmishes with Can after his return.
I didn't need it anymore and I don't want to have it now.

- Sanem? Did you hear me or did you hear what he said? -

I walk stiffly and try to ignore her, the last thing I want is for Can to think I'm a raving lunatic suffering from a split personality.

- Sanem? Did you hear me? I was asking if Emre and Layla are still at Fikri Harika, who should I expect to see of the old employees? Deren? Cey Cey? -

I recover from my inner struggles and pay attention to what Can is telling me - Yes, sorry I didn't hear you before, yes everyone is here, only Guliz moved abroad, plus now Muzo is also in the agency who is a 1% partner as well as Cey Cey-

He shakes his head laughing - Cey Cey partner of Fikri Harika, who would have thought it! But who is Muzo?

-Yes, I'm sorry, I got confused, it's true you don't remember me, let alone Muzo, you'll see, he's a picturesque element of my neighborhood, when you meet him you'll tell me what you think of him.

We get into the taxi that is already waiting for us outside the gate, the optimism that I had tried to prevail that morning is gone, I look thoughtfully out the window, I can still feel my heart beating at an accelerated rate, it seems like living a nightmare, but once again I tell myself that I have to stay calm, he said "if I decide to stay" so he is also thinking about "if he decides to leave" so at the moment the chances are 50%.

- Are you thinking of giving up without a fight Sanem? -

I roll my eyes in annoyance, all we needed was the talking cricket now, I think hard about something to get it across loud and clear - Susmak, shut up! -

-All right, all right I'll shut up for now, but you won't get rid of me, you know I'm always by your side when you need wise counsel -

I snort impatiently, yeah right!

Can asks me - Are you alright Sanem? -He looks at me questioningly.

- Yes, yes I'm fine thanks -

I nod and go back to look outside, I don't feel like having a conversation right now, I need a few moments to think, I have to process the fact that this possibility is one of those at stake right now, optimism is fine but I have to be ready to face everything, including the possibility that he might leave me again and if he doesn't regain his memory, this time it could be for good.