Always and forever

56 - Illusions

Sanem

"I'm just remembering because I've fallen in love with you before Sanem."

How can I resist him when he talks to me like that? It wasn't easy to hold myself back that morning when I found him in front of me lazily leaning against the door frame, his hair loose and that killer smile that makes me bend my knees with emotion.

I love him so much! He is the man of my life and of my dreams, I had to do violence to myself not to run to him, throw my arms around his neck and kiss him until I fainted.
But I told myself that it is not possible, I must remain firm in my decision, I can not afford to give all of myself once again to receive in return only a shadow of what I had with him in the past.

His words now shock me to the core, is it possible that...?

- Do you remember? What do you remember? -

- I told you that I have flashes of us together and today is not the first one I've had, now you appeared surrounded by festive puppies and this morning... well this morning I think I remembered and relived the most romantic meeting you can imagine, the beginning of a great love story -

The heartbeat raging I look up at him in disbelief - Do you remember? Do you remember our meeting? -

-Evet, yes, and I could only see that the Can Divit of the first meeting was as bewitched and enchanted by Sanem as I was, maybe for me it wasn't so sudden but it just took a short time for it to happen -

I'm afraid to believe his words, I'm afraid to hope, I'm afraid to think that he might really love me.

From that trip to the aquarium our relationship started to take a different turn, I slowly managed to relax and we spent wonderful days together discovering the English countryside and each other. I've started to get to know this new Can who is different from the other only because he doesn't remember me, or it's better to say he doesn't remember me at all as he seems to be slowly recovering fragments of our past together.

We are becoming friends and getting to know each other again, he told me about the strong experience he had in Venezuela in the previous months and I told him about my promotional tour. We had some carefree evenings during which he showed me the beautiful photos he had taken during his reportage and I showed him the places I had visited around Europe.

We are slowly getting closer, a faint hope is reviving in me, I almost don't want to believe it's possible, but I'm starting to think that maybe... I'm afraid to even think about it.

Today we rented a car to go to visit the circular Restormel Castle, it has been a beautiful trip and we have been really well. Back home he insisted on taking a shower before me because he wanted to make dinner himself tonight. All his toiletries are resting on the bathroom cabinet, his scent permeates the room, we've never shared this kind of intimacy before and I have to admit that I'm starting to feel a certain effect having him so close all day.

But there is a major issue to be clarified, there are two days to go, the plane ticket has already been made and all the agreements between the publishers have been made, I cannot not leave. I finish drying my hair after the shower thinking that tonight during dinner I absolutely have to deal with him, I have to tell him that I can not and do not want to give up my trip and hear what he has to say about it.

I leave my room as his phone starts ringing, I am about to enter the kitchen when I hear him answer - Polen? -

The blood freezes in my veins, I freeze in place and start to back away shaking my head, no, I can't believe it, Polen again.
I walk through the living room, out of the house and down to the beach, telling myself that once again I've deluded myself, I was going to believe that there might be hope... and instead apparently nothing has changed, he continues to be tied to the life he remembers, to that 2019, it's useless for me to try to convince myself that it isn't so.

I'm just deluding myself, ah Sanem ah, is it possible you can't understand that it's not your Can anymore? This man, even if he has sporadic memories of you, cannot understand the feeling that bound you together, he is still tied to that past which is little less than present to him, when you didn't exist for him and Polen was in his life.

- You must come to terms with that, Sanem.

That's all we needed was an inside voice. Yes I know I have to get over it and in fact I'm leaving the day after tomorrow and I'll leave him free to do whatever he wants with whomever he likes, don't worry I have no intention of changing my plans.

- Well said Sanem 💪-

I'm nodding with conviction in response to the encouragement in my voice when I hear him calling me to dinner.

I take a breath and head back home with the intention of not letting him know how despondent I feel right now, I have to hold out for just one more day, I have to pretend nothing is wrong, then we will each go our separate ways.

Come on Sanem, it's not the first time you have to hide your wounds, Can has got you used to everything, you can do it again.
Once you leave you can take off your mask and let go of the pain, it's not the first time you've done this, you can do it again.