Always and forever

39 -Outward

Can

She's gone, she told me hoşçakal, goodbye and she's gone.

I walk back to the station car park, get into the car in a daze, I can't understand how everything could have gotten so complicated so suddenly, I wasn't able to handle the situation.
I made one mistake after another and now I'm surprised that she's gone?

I lie still with my head against the seat and my eyes closed, thinking about every moment with her since I woke up in that hospital bed. I have done nothing but hurt her, she has given me so much, she has given me all of herself ultimately in every possible way and I have only been able to take without even trying to return any understanding or support.

I looked at her as a stranger who threatened my balance, who wanted to change my life as I knew it, I said words that I knew would hurt her and never had a word of apology for her, yet she showed me her infinite love until the very end by deciding to take a step back and let me go.

I collect myself after hours, sit back down on the car seat and try to call her, a recorded voice informs me that the user is currently unreachable as it has been for all the previous times I have tried to call her.
Sighing, I straighten my back, my hands on the steering wheel, resolutely start the car and drive off, I have to go back to Istanbul, someone will tell me where she went and how I can reach her, yes, I will do that. I drive along the same road for the fourth time in just over two days.
I don't even go to the estate to change, I'm in a sorry state, I realise that, but I don't want to waste time. I arrive at the agency and first of all I go to see Deren, she must have some news about Sanem, I question her and I don't like what she says at all.

-She sent me a message early this morning, practically last night in fact, saying that she won't be coming back to the agency, she intends to dedicate herself from now on only and exclusively to her books, I'm terribly sorry, she's really good at advertising-.

She's gone.

Once again the same sentence that has been repeating itself non-stop since this morning comes to my mind.
She has left the hotel, she has left the agency, she is leaving behind her life with me it seems.

I can't give up though, as I told my father I'm going to do everything I can to try and talk to her, I walk briskly towards Layla's office, she has just arrived and is sitting at her desk at the moment. She raises a hostile look at me - Günaydın, good morning Can, what do you want? -

Not an encouraging start but I have to ask - Günaydın, good morning Layla, do you happen to know where Sanem is? -

- In Sile as far as I know, right? -

-No, she checked out of her hotel in Sile yesterday and her phone is still unreachable, I need to find her, I need to talk to her urgently -

The look she gives me is chilling - What do you have to tell her so urgently Can, that you're leaving again? That's why she left, didn't she, she knew you were leaving, didn't she? -

I lower my eyes uncomfortably. -Yes, she did, but I have to explain to her... -

- What? What do you have to explain, that once again you're leaving her without looking back? You already did it Can, you left everything behind regardless of what happened to those left behind.
We saw Sanem fall into a dark abyss without end, we prayed day and night that she would find the strength to react, that she would understand that you were not worthy of such suffering.
She had just emerged from that oblivion that you returned, you did everything to get her back.

To me, to me no more than three months ago, you promised that you would never leave and would never make her suffer again. It's not your fault, you lost your memory, but you certainly didn't waste any time in resuming your usual life Can, you didn't give her the slightest chance to make herself known and loved for the wonderful creature that is my sister. - She shakes her head with a disgusted look.

- Please leave, I don't know where Sanem is and even if I did you would be the last person I would tell görüşürüz, goodbye Can, close the door behind you as you leave please -

I walk out of her office with my head down, I can't actually counter any of her accusations, in my defence I can only say that I only found out about what happened to Sanem a year earlier after I decided to leave, but the fact remains that she is right, I didn't give myself the chance to know and love her.

I chose to run away.

I can't work today, I haven't slept all night but it is above all the weight on my heart that won't allow me to concentrate, I warn Deren and leave the agency. I think about going back to the estate but, as if guided by another hand, my car takes me there again, on the seafront, to those rocks, to the Tower of Leandro.

I don't remember being there often but Sanem's Can evidently does, I sit on the same flat, square rock, close my eyes to listen to the sound of the sea and savour the warmth of the sun on my skin.

Suddenly an image: me and her standing here, our hands intertwined " Let's get married Sanem ", I shake my head and open my eyes, it was too vivid a vision to be just imagination, if Sanem was here he could tell me if it really happened, but I think it's a memory.

I can't believe this, but how many times have I asked her to marry me?

A lot apparently and that, instead of saying how special I thought that girl was, scared me to death and made me choose to run away, as I've always been used to doing.

I can't give up, I have to try in every way to reach her, I can't think that in three days I will get on a plane and not come back for three months and leave things here like this, I have to try to repair somehow the damage I have done but how?

Suddenly a faint hope, yes, maybe Mihriban might know something, they are very close friends, maybe Sanem has called her, I have to go to her right away and ask her if she has any news, I fervently hope so, I hope I have a chance to talk to her, I hope... I hope she can give me hope that I have not irreparably destroyed everything that, I am certain now, we could still be.