Always and forever

59 - Me with you

Can

I tried to convince her to come out of that room to talk, but it was all in vain, I heard her crying even though she tried to disguise it, I don't understand why all of a sudden her attitude changed so suddenly.
I lean my back against the door of her room and then I let myself slide down to sit on the floor, I spend the whole night thinking about what is best to do.

It is almost dawn when I get up determined, I collect the few objects that I have taken out of the suitcase and I leave that cottage that I loved so much because, of course, it is beautiful, but above all because it was "us" for a few days.

I take the first train to London and once again the journey seems exasperatingly long, but this time I take the opportunity to doze off and plan all the moves I need to make to reorganise my life in the coming months.

So much has already been done since the first day I met her in Plymouth, when I accidentally saw her plane ticket lying on the cupboard. I immediately started planning everything: I asked Emre to send me a suitcase with the clothes and equipment I would need for the next few months, I booked the same flight as her to San Diego trying to get the seat as close to hers as possible, I made arrangements with an American publishing house I had worked with years before to start some collaborations with them without having to move from California.

I take advantage of the hours I have in London, before my flight the next day, to collect the luggage sent by Emre to a London post office and to go to the publishing house to finalise some details about the reportage in Venezuela.

I return to the hotel in the evening with the feeling of having closed an important chapter of my life and being ready to open a new one with her, it will not be easy, she showed me the night before, but at this point I think it was better this way.
If I had told her during the dinner, as I had planned to do, that I would go with her to San Diego, I'm sure she would have protested and opposed it in every way.

As things turned out, however, I will confront her with a fait accompli, once on the plane she will be forced to come to terms with it and I will have plenty of time to talk to her and convince her of the sincerity of my feelings.

I get to the airport early to avoid meeting her, from a hidden corner of the waiting room I see her arriving and sitting pensively, looking at the window overlooking the runways for a long time. My heart aches to see her so sad and lonely, but I am heartened by the thought that soon it will no longer be like that, soon I will be there beside her, always.

I let her board and get on the plane before me, I don't want her to see me until I decide.

My seat is a couple of rows behind hers, I wait until everyone has boarded and the doors have closed to make my move, the time has come.

I smile at the lady occupying the seat next to her.

- Excuse me, would you mind swapping our seats? You know how it is when I made the reservation I couldn't get the seat next to my wife, we are newlyweds and you understand that we don't want to be apart for all these hours.

I see her flinch and turn around, I avoid looking at her but continue to smile at the lady who is touched by my romantic request and promptly moves to give me her seat. I sit down at the moment when the light comes on indicating to wear seat belts, I fasten mine while I see her struggling to fasten hers. I approach to help her and it happens again, in the image I visualise we are in the car and I come dangerously close to her to help her release the seatbelt that has jammed, I realise that, now as then, her scent enchants me, her gaze enchants me, her eyes shine with an emotion as strong as I believe mine.

I move in slow motion to finish fastening her belt, I take her hand decisively and bring it to my lips. I look at her intently and smile - Ready to start our life together? -

She looks at me at the same time just as captivated as I am but definitely stunned - Can?

I put two fingers on her lips - Shh, we'll have time to talk, now let's just enjoy this trip and the fact that we're together, that's all I need to be happy Sanem.

She continues to look at me bewildered as the plane begins to move towards the runway, I see her stiffen in her seat, I smile tenderly, apparently she is afraid of flying my erkenci kuş.

I shake my head puzzled, where did this come from? It's not something I've been told by someone, it must be a memory, and in a flash I see myself entering the agency and smiling I say - Günaydın, good morning erkenci kuş -.

I smile enthusiastically, it seems to me that by being close to her the memories and fragments are becoming more and more frequent, I am beginning to trust that by staying close to her I will get back all the memories of us, I hope so, I really want to.

As the plane takes off I hold her hand and she squeezes it tightly in search of comfort, my heart tightens at the thought that she has travelled the length and breadth of Europe over the last few months without anyone there to hold her hand. I bring her back to my lips as the plane settles into altitude, she turns to look at me and I smile encouragingly.

- Don't be afraid, Sanem, from now on I will be there for you, always and forever.