In My Head • Bucky Barnes

Chapter 5

I knew it was a bad idea. Bucky never listens to me. He could have got caught, or worse. Why doesn't he listen to me?

"Belle look at me."

My head shakes before I can fully process what he is saying. I screw my eyes closed to avoid the awful black dots that splattered my vision. It felt like everything was spinning and the only way to ground myself was to curl inwards.

"I'm okay. Nothing happened. We're fine."

"He could have hurt you." I could barely talk through my laboured breaths. My chest felt like it was about to collapse in on itself and stopping it was beyond my control.

"But he didn't."

I feel Bucky's hand stroke through my hair. I didn't realise I had such a tight grip on it until my hands were eased away from my scalp. The tension ebbs out of my shoulders the longer he strokes me.

"He didn't hurt me."

The ache in my chest blossoms into something worse, painful. I can't breathe.

"Belle look at me."

I can't breathe.

"The world is scary. But not everyone is bad. That man wasn't bad, he didn't want to hurt me. There are people out there who just want to help. Kind people. Just like you."

He lifts my chin up gently and for the first time since we returned home I looked him in the eye. His concern made me want to cry again. I hate when I make him like this. He shouldn't have to worry about me.

"I'm sorry. I'm being stupid."

"No you're not. You're just worried about me. You can't differentiate between good people and bad people, we will work on that. Never apologize for caring, Belle."

I can feel my lip begin to quiver. Tears aren't far off. I don't want to cry in front of him.

"Can I hug you?"

"Y-yes."

I try not to squirm at the contact. My senses have gone haywire, everything feels wrong. My clothes are itchy and my hair on my neck feels like pins jabbing my skin. But Bucky is gentle with me, he knows how I get after these attacks. Despite my body screaming at me not to, I relaxed against his chest.

Safe.

---

Belle slept the rest of the day, curled on the couch with her head on my lap. To this day it still puzzles me how safe she feels around me. Even with the knowledge of what I do, what I have done, she still looks at me as if I can carry the world.

"- the search for the Winter Soldier is still underway. Despite their reputation we have an image from Hydra depicting what the man looks like. If you see someone matching this description please-"

I mute the TV and watch as my picture flashes up on screen. I never realized how awful I look in my uniform. It's terrifying.

I wonder if anyone could make the connection. Hydra would never release my name to the public, there's too much history that they want to keep hidden. I'm surprised they even went as far as a photo. Yeah okay I am wearing my mask and my eyes are obscured by that ridiculous makeup but someone somewhere would be able to recognise it.

I just hope it's not any time soon.

---

"Steve I swear to god sit your ass down!" Tony has been yelling at me for the past hour. I am honestly surprised I haven't knocked him out yet.

"Have you figured out how to restore his memories yet?"

"No."

"Then stop telling me what to do and focus on that."

"Whatever old man." I laugh bitterly at the over used insult and continue pacing around the lab. I feel so out of place down here but I would rather be uncomfortable than wallow in my self pity upstairs.

"Boss new intel on the Winter Soldier has been received."

"Sorry Cap looks like your boyfriend will have to wait." My fists clench at that. God what is wrong with me.

"Let's see it Friday."

A hologram springs up in the centre of the room making me jump. I don't think I will ever get used to modern technology. A photo comes into focus and it takes me a minute to realise what I am looking at.

It's blurry, most likely taken from security camera footage. The suspect is wearing all black, the only colour being a silver arm adorning a red star. His hair is shoulder length and ratty and his face is all but lost under a huge mask. He is staring directly at the camera, the glare sends shivers down my spine.

"You alright Steve?" Tony's voice barely breaches my thoughts.

I know those eyes.

I spent years of my youth studying them to the point I could recognise them anywhere.

"This isn't happening." My knees buckle beneath me and collapse in a heap.

"Woah Steve what the hell."

I can't tear my eyes off the image. Hydra didn't just make him a super soldier. They made him the super soldier.

Bucky is the Winter Soldier.