In My Head • Bucky Barnes

Chapter 14

I knocked gently on the door trying not to react to the laboured breaths within. When I received no answer I nudged open the door. Steve was sitting on the edge of the bed, back facing the door and head in hands. Laying next to him were two rectangular objects, one of which I instantly recognised as the picture frame from my apartment. The only picture me and Belle have together. The other I couldn't for the life of me figure out.

"Steve are you okay?"

"Hmm. Oh I'm fine." His voice was distant, as if his mind was worlds away from current reality.

"That wasn't believable in the slightest." I approached the bed and Steve's hand shifted to cover the second object. Strange.

"It's nothing, I'm fine."

"Did you go to my apartment?" Steve nodded, still refusing to make eye contact with me. What is wrong with him? "Thank you. I probably wouldn't have been able to get any of that stuff back otherwise."

"Don't worry about it." He tried to smile at me and failed miserably.

"You're hiding something from me." Steve shrugged, dragging his hand across the bed, pulling whatever he was hiding with it. Just as he was about to put it in his pocket I saw a corner of crumpled paper, stained yellow with time.

"What's that?"

"Nothing." He's lying to me.

"Steve what is it?"

"I said it's nothing."

"I would have thought you of all people would know not to hide something from me." Before he knew what I was doing I had his hand pinned against the sheets. A notebook bounced out of his grip, falling to the ground with an almost silent thud. My heart stopped as I saw the familiar, manic writing scrawled across the pages.

He read my journal.

"Where did you find that?"

"Bucky I-"

"Did you read it."

"I didn't know what it was-"

"Yes or no answer Steve did you read it?"

"Yes. Yes I read the damn book." Steve ripped his hand out of my grip and went to pick up the book. I got there first. Taking care not to crush it, I slid it into my pocket.

"You had no right to do that."

"Do you still have the dream?" One glance of those blue eyes told of a lifetime of struggle that had never been put into words. His hand was shaking so much he had to grip the bed. He took my silence as an answer and continued, his voice barely audible.

"Because I do. I see you fall from that damn train night after night, knowing it will never end differently. I thought that was bad enough, being forced to see it over and over again. But knowing you see it too and chose to remember it. I just- I don't-"

Against my better judgement I pulled Steve up and wrapped my arms around him. He seemed to melt into me, his breaths evening out almost instantly. Despite being about an inch taller his head tucked into the crook of my neck. The feeling of his breath against my skin sent shivers down my spine. For lack of better description it felt right.

"I thought I lost you that day."

"I'm sorry. For everything."

"It wasn't your fault Buck. It was mine, if I was actually paying attention instead of- I could have stopped it from happening." I pulled back making sure to catch his gaze, which was hard since he was doing his damn best to avoid me.