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Chapter 8 - Here Goes Nothing

Roman knocked on the door to Janus' apartment and waited for it to open There was a small click and there stood his boyfriend, his wonderful, incredible, adorable boyfriend, looking amazing as ever in his jacket, sweatpants and beanie. "Hey," he said nervously, stepping aside to let Roman in. "What's happening?"

Roman took a breath, memorizing that beautiful face before it turned angry or - god forbid - sad. "I, uh..." He stuttered for a while, really not wanting to do this. It would be so much easier to tell him the truth.

"And Virgil? Is he alright?" A look of concern passed across Janus' face.

Alright. That was good. He would be less crushed. He didn't completely hate Virgil, right? He couldn't.

"Did he hurt you?" Janus guessed, and it all went south. "Roman, if he-"

"No, he didn't."

"Did he embarrass you?"

"No-"

"Then what-"

"He kissed me!" Roman blurted out, and Janus' face darkened.

"With your consent?" he said quietly.

Roman was trapped.

He could say no. Janus would despise Virgil more than he did so, and Roman would have to deal with the fallout.

"...Yes."

Janus' face went blank and he locked eyes with Roman, his lips parted slightly and his head tilted just a bit to the right. "Oh," he said simply, then nodded and looked away.

He was handling this a lot better than Roman thought he would.

"And I'm really sorry-"

"Were you sober?" His eyes flashed dangerously. Roman had no clue who he was more mad at. Virgil or himself.

He figured he deserved it, anyway. "Yeah."

"Not..Not high? Or anything that could mess with your mind?"

"...Nope."

"No, as in-"

"No, as in there was nothing messing with my mind," he confirmed. "It was just in the moment, and he was right there, and you know how impulsive I am-"

"So you didn't stop to think? Not for one goddamn second?"

Now he could he honest. "No," he said quietly.

"When?"

"What?"

He crossed his arms. "When did you..." He trailed off, both knowing how that sentence was going to end.

"Earlier this morning. He'd just gotten some good news and we were both excited." Back to lying. "Adrenaline got the best of me-"

"Why are you telling me this?" he said quietly.

"Because you deserve to know, why else?"

"Because it seems like you're just flaunting that you can kiss another guy and expect me to forgive you."

Roman stopped, his eyes narrowing in confusion. "No, I-"

"Then why not just- just not tell me?" He raised his voice a bit, shutting Roman up. "We both know Virgil would only tell me because-"

"Because he's not a dick," Roman shot back.

"Yeah, he is! I dunno what the hell you see in him-"

"And he doesn't know what the hell I see in you!"

"What do you see?" Janus said, voice low. Roman swallowed and didn't answer. "What am I to you, Roman?"

"You-" He stopped, searching for words. Unsure how to convey 'everything'. "Janus, you're-"

"You're hesitating, Roman," he said, and his voice cracked on his name. "How many times have you kissed him in the past two months?"

"Once-"

"How many goddamn times, Roman?" He was yelling again. "How many times, period?"  Silence. Janus laughed dryly. "Did you lose count?"

"No, it was only that once, and it won't happen again-"

"Sure as hell it won't," he muttered. "It happened once, it can happen again-"

"I don't see why you hate him!" Roman fired back, earning quiet from the other man. "He's nice, and funny, and of course  I don't like him romantically because I love you," he said.

That was the first time he'd said those three words to Janus.

There was a short tingling sensation on the back of his hand. He ignored it. "I don't understand why the hell you're so jealous?"

"...Me?" A smile crossed Janus' face. "Jealous? Of that little-"

"If you call him any sort of insult, I'm walking out of here," Roman growled, done with the fighting. "And I can't promise I'll come back."

"Don't threaten me-"

"It shouldn't be a threat," he responded coolly. "Why are you jealous?"

Now it was Janus' turn to be lost for words. Without his insults and snide remarks for Virgil, he had nothing. "I..."

"Exactly. You can either believe that he's worthless, so I don't care. Or you can respect him, and be worried about me being faithful." He shook his head. "It's no use worrying about someone you think can't do anything, Janus."

He had no response.

"Look, I'm sorry I kissed him." Roman was quieter now. Softer. Still aware how easy their relationship was to break. How easy Janus was to break. "I really, truly am. And I promise that it won't ever happen again." Silence. "Janus."

Finally, he looked up at him. "You promise to tell the truth?" he said.

He looked like a schoolboy on the playground, asking his best friend to swear not to tell anyone his crush. Like a friend who'd just gotten rejected, and needed to know everything else was alright. Like an employee asking for certainty that he wouldn't be fired.

Stability.

That was what Janus needed right now.

"Of course, sweetheart." Roman opened his arms, beckoning Janus closer. The man grudgingly went to Roman's chest, leaning his head against his shoulder and forcing himself to take deep breaths. Roman stroked his hair, pressing small kisses to it every so often.

He wanted to tell the truth. He really, really did.

But it was too much. And the less people that knew, the better.

"I promise."