Hxh head cannons!

Extremely Angsty Headcanons (major TW)

Y'all please, read the title. Major major TW and majorly sad/upsetting HCs
TW: death, suicidal thoughts/actions, intrusive thoughts, self-sacrifice, self harming thoughts/actions, eating disorders, masochism, scars, psychological profiles/ mental illnesses

• The reason Kurapika was so quick to accept a condition and a nen ability that will kill him is because after he got his revenge, he was planning on killing himself anyways so he doesn't have to live with the guilt and grief

• I've touched on this a little bit but I think Gon has really bad intrusive thoughts. And that he's a people pleaser/sees his only reason for living to help and serve others. So, when Kite, a man who was helping him and saved him multiple times, died at his expense, I bet Gon had some really dark thoughts about how he shouldn't be alive, it should have been him instead of Kite, he didn't deserve to live instead of him, etc. I think this is one reason why Gon pushed so hard and went off the deep end to get Kite back and get revenge for him, even risking his life for Kite

• Gon is really scared of the "person" he became went he went after Pitou. He's also really embarrassed that he was seen that way. After spending so much time cultivating this energetic and positive personality, he let his facade fall and he was probably really upset about it. He has nightmares, he hates looking at himself in the mirror/pictures, he feels disgusting in his own skin, he feels like he doesn't even know who he is anymore, and it's probably one reason he felt the need to leave everything he knew behind and leave with Ging

• I feel like Kurapika would have an eating disorder. He would force himself not to eat, even when he's starving, because he feels he has too many things to do, eating isn't worth his time, and he doesn't deserve to eat/keep himself alive or even happy

• I feel like Killua would have really bad panic attacks. He would try to push through them to his best ability, and would feel really stupid/weak/scared for feeling all these horrible and seemingly life threatening symptoms for "no" reason. In this panicked state, he'd start clawing himself and hurting himself out of fear and anxiety (The reason I say he feels this way for "no" reason is that panic attacks normally don't have a trigger, and just happen whenever and wherever. They have extremely distressing and disrupting symptoms, and can feel like you're about to die. However, anxiety attacks are the ones that have a discernible trigger. If you wanna know more, look it up on WebMD or smth)

• Kurapika, when he's at his most sleep and nutrition deprivation, starts hallucinating and having delusions, mostly revolving around his clan and the troupe. He's envisioned the troupe members and "attacked" them, only for his chains/nen to hit innocent people or just walls or air. He's envisioned his dead clan members and ran to hug them, only to realize they're not there and it feels likes he's lost them all over again. This is when he's at his lowest and just feels like giving up

• Alluka has extremely dark thoughts and horrible self esteem issues. Between being locked up to prevent people's death/harm, her brain being under stimulated, and her being isolated for the vast majority of her life, she's been through so much and the old age of what, 11? A child's brain is not meant to take all of that trauma in, nor was she ever explained to why this all happened to her. I bet she definitely thinks everything that happened was all her fault, and that the longer she continues to live, the more problems she causes for other people. Ex: when she asked Killua if he'd be happier if she was gone. She probably only sees herself as a burden and extra baggage for Killua to carry around, which isn't true in the slightest but her trauma has conditioned her to think this way

• Illumi is a masochist (for lack of a better word), and sticks pins in himself (surface level not hypnotic type shit) constantly. He has tiny little circular scars all over his body. He does this because it's the one time he can feel something and easily identify it. It's not like love or sadness or guilt where it's confusing and messy and hard for him to feel. It's easily identified as pain and something he's used to feeling; it's a fucked up sense of comfort for him that he enjoys and it definitely stems from his past of being abused

• Gon doesn't/can't sit still in silence because that's when super dark intrusive thoughts take over and it's hard for him to ignore or move past them. So he's always doing things, listening to things, running around, talking to people, etc. Being constantly active and always stimulated is his way of coping and quite literally running away from his problems (me too Gon)

• Kiyoko (and again, I'm not a psychologist but,) seems like she would have histrionic personality disorder-
The DSM-V categorizes histrionic personality disorder as "Exaggerated expressions of emotion seemingly "performed' for an audience; overly dramatic; attention seekers; easily angered; seductive; dependent on others; vain, shallow, and manipulative; displays intense, but often false emotions"
Again, not a psychologist in any shape or form, but I am studying to become one. (Keep in mind I'm not in college yet lmao but I will be soon enough) and I genuinely think Kiyoko, with how extreme and unproportional her emotions are, especially how they seem so fake and performed. And how she's extremely vain, shallow, manipulative, dependent on her children and husband, easily angered, VERY dramatic, etc

• Gon knew full well that the power he used to kill Pitou would end up seriously hurting himself or killing himself. And he just didn't care. This relates back to how Gon thinks his only purpose is to help/serve others and in that moment, Kite was his only thought. Not himself, not Killua, not Pitou. He definitely made a nen condition or contract or whatever it's called that he didn't care what happened to himself, he only cared about killing Pitou, which is what made him so strong

• Similarly, Gon feels fucking horrible about what happened during the CAA, and what he put Killua through, Leorio through, everyone through. He probably wishes Killua didn't bring him back so he would have to live with the guilt and painful memories. He doesn't feel worthy of love or friendship anymore, especially Killua's. It's another reason he wanted to leave everything behind and go with Ging. So he wouldn't have to face the constant reminders of his horrible decision

A/N pt.2: Hey guys, I just wanted to say something really quick.
I write a lot about sad/triggering things- eating disorders, self harm/suicide, death, mental illnesses, abuse, etc, so I just wanted to put a little disclaimer at the bottom of this, also seeing how triggering this might be for people.
As someone who's dealt with mental illness, and almost every thing I listed above, I just want to make sure that you all know you're loved. You're valid. Your feelings are not being blown out of proportion, you're not dramatic or faking it, all your thoughts, feelings, and emotions are valid. I know how hard you're trying, and you're doing amazing. Life can suck. It can truly fuck you over in ten different languages and more. But you've gotten this far, and you'll get further. I'm really really proud of you and how hard you're trying. I'm positive others are too.
If you're going through something and you need help, my comment section and dms are always open. However, it is better to talk to loved ones who know you and know how to help you better than I would. Talk to them, if need be. They love you and want to help you. You're not a burden. I promise you this.
Additionally, you never know what someone might be struggling with, so just be kind. Check in with your friends and family. Even if they aren't struggling, it's always nice to know people care. So reach out to your loved ones and let them know that.
Okay, that's it. If there's anything you want me to know, don't hesitate to reach out :) sorry if it was a lil cheesy but it's genuine