My Sunshine

Faking It - Iruka

Iruka answered the door to find Ino on the other side.

"Sensei."

She didn't look happy. Haru must've had some things to say at her girls' night yesterday. He sighed.  He was pretty sure he knew what this was about.

"Yes, Ino?"

"What are you doing, Sensei? Haru came to dinner last night and said that something's changed. You've been acting differently. She thinks you don't want her here anymore."

He stepped outside and shut the door. He could feel his own heart breaking. He was going to have to say the words out loud that he didn't want to put out into the universe.

"You know that's not true-"

"Then what is it? She said she bared her soul to you at the Fall Festival. She said that she told you that you were her best friend."

He let her finish, getting her thoughts out.

"Ino, Haru is getting better and she's blossoming into a very beautiful person. She 's stretching her wings and she's about to leave the nest. My apartment. This safe place."

"What if she doesn't want to leave?"

"Come on, Ino-"

"What if she wants to stay because you're who she wants-"

"Has she said that?"

"Well, no-"

"Listen, I am a school teacher who is ten years older than her. Haru has been a blessing, but she's not going to stay with me, and I need to keep that in perspective. We live in a village of war heroes who are young and ready to start families. Guys like me don't get women like Haru."

He sighed deeply, running his hand over his hair in frustration before he continued.

"And, honestly Ino, I don't expect you to understand that. You're like Haru; you're one of those women who are talented and beautiful and interesting and you pick out your war hero and start your life. I missed my chance. I was a boring school teacher who missed my chance to meet someone and have a family. This is it for me, Ino. No one has ever clicked. And it's unfortunate that I feel that connection with Haru because, in her eyes, I'm her best friend. Her safe place. I'm the safe choice. And I'm okay with that, because that's how it is. And, I'm okay with that. I don't expect anything. But, please, don't come knocking on my door to tell me that I slighted a beautiful woman because I'm trying to protect myself. You know I would rather die than hurt her in any way, but I have to prepare myself for the crushing weight of loneliness when she leaves."

He was about to turn and go in, but he added one more thing.

"She's about to fly away, Ino. She's stretching her wings, and I refuse to be the person who clips them."

He turned to grab the doorknob when he felt Ino's hand reach out and grab his arm, stopping him. And then, she moved in and embraced him tightly, cradling his head in her arm against her shoulder.

"I don't need your pity, Ino."

"I don't pity you, Iruka Sensei. I just want you to know that I'm here for you. You're a very important person to me. You're not just some boring school teacher. You taught me almost all of the basics of being a kunoichi. You were like a second father to me. You were the one who held me during my father's funeral when I broke down. Don't you dare underestimate yourself. Haru may not be in your future, but please don't give up. You're going to make someone so happy."

Iruka let her hold him for a moment, until he heard a familiar voice.

"Hey, you two."

Haru was back from the market, holding a bag of groceries. Ino let him go, but surprised him with a slow and gentle kiss on the forehead. It was clearly the sign of a protector. Iruka wasn't sure when these girls he taught at the Academy became such strong women. He could feel his cheeks flush a little as she smiled at him before turning back to Haru.

"Hey! I was just coming by to see my Sensei."

They stood outside and chatted for a few minutes. Iruka was quiet in the background, processing everything that Ino had said. He didn't realize that he might be very important to his students. He was so used to doing everything alone. He could still feel her kiss on his forehead. After chatting for a little while, they made a date to get their nails done tomorrow and Ino bid them both goodbye.

Haru turned to him, grinning.

"What was that all about?"

"Ino came over and mentioned some things from your girls' night to me that concerned her.  She's a really great friend, Haru. She was looking out for you."

And she's looking out for me too, he thought. However, he kept the topic at hand.

"I've never meant to make you feel uncomfortable. I've just had a lot on my mind with the holidays and everything. I wish you would've told me you were feeling that way."

She blushed a little, clearly embarrassed.

"I'm sorry. I'll try to do better-"

"No, no. Don't apologize. This is your home, Haru. I want you to be comfortable here. And you're always welcome here, no matter what. I'm sorry I've been so off lately; there's been a lot on my mind. And you've certainly deserved better than what I gave you during the holidays."

"Ino said the holidays can be rough on people. Don't worry about it; there's always next year. And I'll be better prepared."

It wasn't a complete lie: the holidays were a tough time for him every year. Losing his parents in autumn set the tone for the rest of the year. He actually tried to skip the holidays, if he could help it. It always took him back to that first year without his parents. Truly miserable. He could still feel heartache when he allowed himself to go back into that dark place. Holidays these days consisted of him drinking with Kakashi and Might Guy, pretending it was just another day.

This year, he had to at least go through the motions with Haru, and he was afraid that was all she got. He could've done better.

Iruka moved in closer to her, hugging and holding her.

"I want you to know that you're my best friend as well, Haru. You mean so much to me; your company has been such a blessing."

She snuggled into him.

"It was nice of Ino to come over."

"She's concerned for you. She wants to make sure that I'm treating you well. She cares about you a lot."

"She seems to care about you a lot as well."

"She does. Ino and I go back to when she was seven and I was her 18 year old teacher. She was in my very first class. She, and her fellow classmates, grew with me. We all had a lot of learning to do. I guess you could say that we all grew up together. She just told me that I'm like a second father to her. It... It felt nice to hear that. As if I'm someone really important in her life."

Haru giggled.

"Well of course you are! You're their beloved Sensei! It sounds like the bonds between student and teacher are strong. Ino mentions her other Sensei very fondly. Asuma, I think."

Iruka nodded. He had to get back to the place in his head where things were before the fall festival. Nothing had really changed; he was now her official best friend. And he finally admitted to himself that he loved her. Okay, maybe that was a lot, but he should be able to handle it, right?

He really didn't have any other choice, and he was having trouble hiding his feelings for her.  But, what was he going to say?  I love you but I know I'll never be anything more than your best friend?  And there shouldn;t be that kind of expectation?  That be would die before he made her feel uncomfortable and possibly send her spiraling back to a dark place?  Because he shouldn't feel this way.  And he was mad at himself for these stupid feelings.

He wanted to be what she needed.

Still holding her, she looked up at him and smiled.  He gave her a grin.

"I hope you feel better about everything soon, Iruka.  I miss your happiness.  I miss you.  I mean, things have been good, but you just seem a little... not like yourself.  If I can help in any way, let me know.  Okay?"

He gave her the best smile he could muster.  He wished she could help him, but he would never put that uncomfortable burden on her.