My Sunshine

Human - Haru / Haru's Exam - Mizuka

Haru awoke the next morning to find Iruka gone. 

It had been another emotionally tumultuous night, thanks to her. And now, he wasn't next to her. She rose from the bed and stepped out into the hallway, making her way toward the kitchen. He was at the table, sipping from a steaming mug and staring out the window. She noticed the mug was shaking slightly in his hands.

"Iruka?"

He turned, smiling at her.

"Good morning."

"Good morning. You're shaking. Are you okay?"

He looked at his own hands, quickly putting the mug down.

"Yeah, I'm fine... No. No I'm not."

She felt her heart drop into her stomach. She was too much; she was sure of it. She was sitting down across from him as he continued.

"I was hoping we could talk about last. Um... Am I putting too much pressure on you? Do you even want me to touch you? I'm... I'm afraid you might be breaking down because maybe I'm coming on a little too strong? Or maybe because I'm making you feel like you owe me something?"

She gazed at him sadly.

"My reaction last night had nothing to do with you. I've had moments of brokenness and night terrors long before I met you. You're not causing any of this, and nothing you're doing is making it come up. I'm afraid that this is just... this is just how I am at this point. I hope it gets better, but I can't promise it will. Is that why you're shaking? Did I scare you that badly last night?"

She watched as he looked down into his mug and bit his bottom lip.

"Yeah. It's been happening less, but it still scares me. I'll never get used to the screaming and the fear in your eyes. I know that all of this is still very new, but I want to make sure I'm not the cause of your pain and fear."

Iruka's face was breaking her heart. She reached across the table and took his hands in hers.

"I meant what I said last night, about how your touch makes me feel human, Touching and being touched, it makes me feel normal, even if my reaction isn;t always normal. I'm blessed to have such a caring and empathetic partner."

"I love you more than anything in this world, Haru. When you hurt, I hurt too. I would do anything for you to be happy."

She took a deep breath. Maybe this was the time to bring this up, as much as she wanted to completely forget it.

"Speaking of that, I was hoping you would come with me to Mizuka's office."

His face was suddenly concerned.

"Is everything okay?"

"I don't know; that's why I need to see her. She asked me when I arrived did I want her to check... you know... down there. And I said no because I was afraid of being touched by a stranger and it didn't matter at the time. But... it does matter. A lot. If we have sex, I want to make sure none of these awful men gave me something that would hurt you, and if something's wrong with me, I don't want you to think that you caused it. Let's be honest, six months ago, I was still peeing blood. My kidneys may be wrecked from years of beatings, or something else may be wrong. If there is, then I want you to know as well."

He looked surprised as he leaned in and kissed her hands tenderly.

"I want you to do this for yourself as well..."

"I'm doing this for us. Every day before I met you, I wanted to die. Now, I want to live. I need to make sure I get healthy enough that I can share a life with you."