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'𝑶𝒊𝒌𝒂𝒘𝒂 𝒉𝒂𝒅𝒏'𝒕 𝒍𝒆𝒇𝒕 𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒊𝒏 𝒂 𝒚𝒆𝒂𝒓.'
❌ /////// ❌
There was their life, and then there was mine.
Mine, where I was constantly scratching, clawing, grasping at the seams of my inner turmoil.
But then there was his. His life was different from mine, totally different, but that didn't seem to phase him.
🦋
I haven't been to school in a year. Not by choice, it's not a good thing, but my anxiety got so bad that every day I found it a little harder to leave the house. So let me rephrase that...I haven't left my house in a year.
I go to, I'll have my hand on the doorknob, right on the edge of sovereignty, but then my chest would constrict, my head would wail at me as my hands shook, sweat pooling at my palms and I got sick of feeling like I was dying.
🦋
Iwaizumi was my childhood best friend. When we got to high school, we drifted apart and soon he was just the memory of the only friend I ever had.
He seemed just fine without me. He had two close friends, I can't remember their names but I'd seen them on his Instagram, he seemed very happy. Happy without me.
Sure, it still stings sometimes, how easy it was for him to leave me, but it's not like I was surprised. Why would he want to be friends with someone like me? Just the thought makes my chest hurt.
I used to live my life so freely when I was a kid. I mean, I was always a shy kid but once I was on top of the slide at the playground, nothing could stop me from taking over the world.
That used to be my dream. To take over the world. How...pathetic.
I have no idea when it started to get this bad, but I know that it was somewhat manageable in my first year of high school. When Iwaizumi still occasionally talked to me.
My mother was always overly concerned about every aspect of my life, she also got distant when things got worse and she realized she couldn't really help. I don't see her so much anymore.
🦋
I'm currently eating cereal. That's the most exciting thing happening in my mundane life right now. I got a thrill from pouring the cereal in blindly and seeing what burst of flavor I got, It was usually Wheaties I ended up getting. How boring. Like everything else in my life. It's not like I want to live like this, in this cage of my own mind, a victim to my trepidation. It sucks. It's like sitting on the edge of your seat while watching a scary movie and then the jumpscare never comes.
My mom spends all her days, and all her nights, working so I have no one to keep me company. My dad passed away when I was fifteen, some kind of car accident. Back then I didn't really understand the concept that the people close to you can go away. Just like that. But they did, my dad left me, Iwaizumi left me, my mom would if she could. Well, she could, but that would be illegal due to 'child abandonment'. or whatever.
It's not like she doesn't care, she just doesn't understand me and the things I have to do to keep myself settled. and I'm never settled so my weird habits and tics are there pretty much twenty-four-seven. Unlike her.
