sᴏᴄɪᴀʟ ʙᴜᴛᴛᴇʀғʟʏ 🦋 || 𝘔𝘢𝘵𝘴𝘶𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘢𝘪𝘸𝘢𝘰𝘪

𝐒𝐢𝐜𝐤

TW// suicide attempt

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They went back to Oikawa's. Makki and Mattsun were sat in the living room watching tv as they walked through the door.

Hanamaki put the tv on mute, sitting up from their cuddling. They knew that there was a serious conversation to be had. Wether they were a part of it or not.

"Ah, I'm exhausted." Oikawa yawned, stretching his arms above his head as Iwaizumi shut the front door, trying to shake off the cold. 

"Not yet Toru...we still need to talk." Makki and Mattsun stayed silent, watching the two tentatively.

"But Iwa-Chan! I'm so tireeeed!" Iwaizumi knew that Oikawa was only using his childish nature to avoid the subject. Iwaizumi didn't care, they needed to talk.

Sugawara was bound to come knocking any day now and Iwaizumi wouldn't be able to handle it if Oikawa was sent to a new family somewhere.

"No, Oikawa. I'm being serious. We're talking. Now." Oikawa's playful pout dropped, he stood straight and ringed his fingers together.

"We can go if you want?" Matsukawa grumbled from his place on the living room couch. Hanamaki linked his arm with Matsukawa's, nodding along with the question.

"No...no you guys stay." When Iwaizumi directed his attention back towards Oikawa the boy wasn't even looking at him anymore.

Oikawa held his head low as he prodded and tugged at the skin between his fingers, digging his fingernails into the skin before shaking out his hands and repeating.

It was obvious he was anxious. It was obvious he was actually tired and didn't want to talk right now.

Iwaizumi didn't want to force him but they couldn't waste anymore time, The social worker could even come back tomorrow. 

"Listen, Kawa...I didn't tell my mum. Our mum's knew eachother. That's all. She bought up to me so i figured I'd ask her to help you." It was better to just get it out there.

Iwaizumi saw Oikawa's shoulders hitch, he hated not being able to see the expression on his face. It was clear by his shaky voice though. Oikawa was angry.

"So she knew and didn't even try to stop her?" Oikawa clenched his fist, finding comfort in the sound of his fingers cracking. He could feel himself starting to get angry again. He hated this. When did he become so emotional? When did he become so angry?

Iwaizumi put a hand out to Oikawa who harshly stepped back away from him. "No! She did try! Ofcourse she did Oikawa! She sees you as one of her own, Ofcourse she tried, don't you dare try and doubt her like that!" Iwaizumi was getting angry too.

No one thought bad about his mother. Iwaizumi wouldn't allow that. Now he was angry and shouting and so was Oikawa.

"Then why is she still gone! Huh?! Where's my mum then Iwaizumi?! Where is she?!" Oikawa had grown hysterical, Iwaizumi couldn't even retaliate, he sounded so broken.

"Cause I don't see her Hajime! Where's is she?! Where is she?! Where is she?!" Oikawa was violently crying now, accompanied by an aggressive tremble ripping through him. A weak laugh escaped him.

Hanamaki had tightened his arm around Matsukawa, seeing Oikawa like this. It scared him. It seemed to scare Matsukawa aswell as the boy sucked in a sharp breath.

Oikawa tried to catch his breath, hiccuping harshly, bringing his hands up to wipe at his tears, desperately trying to stop crying. He was sick of crying, he was sick of being angry, he was sick of being scared. He was sick of living.

"Just...leave me alone." Oikawa had retreated back into himself, back into that anxious boy that the real him was trying so hard to break out of.

Oikawa took another step back, there was hesitation there, as if he was waiting for someone to stop him.

When no one moved, when no one spoke, Oikawa stepped back again, swivelling round to run up the stairs to his room.

Back to his room with his alien plushie underneath the bed and his anxiety meds in his draw.

He was sick of living.

Oikawa could hear the three of them talking downstairs, he could hear the shake in Iwaizumi's voice and Matsukawa and Hanamaki trying to comfort him.

There was no one there to comfort him, there never really had been.

Oikawa sat at his desk, he wasn't shaking anymore, he wasn't even crying. He was just...existing. That didn't bring him comfort either.

He was tired of it, quite frankly, it was exhausting.

The fear, the anger, the love.

He loved them all, and for a while, he thought they loved him too but Hanamaki didn't come to his door this time. Iwaizumi hadn't reminisced on their childhood in a while and Matsukawa had started smoking more than usual.

They were fine before. They were happy. Before, Iwaizumi's voice didn't sound so lost and Makki and Mattsun's hands didn't shake in the presence of Oikawa's anger.

But he wasn't angry before either.

January was nearing and then he'd have to go back to school. He wasn't ready.

They'd all looked so proud of him when he said he'd try so he couldn't back out now. But maybe, maybe he wouldn't have to go if he didn't exist.

Maybe he could quietly slip off the face of the earth then Hanamaki, Matsukawa and Iwaizumi could be happy again, then Oikawa didn't have to be scared anymore.

He thought about school and his stomach dropped.

Oikawa pulled open his draw, staring at the anxiety medication he had stored there. He moved to glance over at his bed, the green of his alien plushie catching his eye from under the bed.

Oikawa turned back around to look at the meds.

If he didn't exist then he could be with his dad. He was never scared around his dad. He wasn't angry or upset or burdening, he was just a son.

He wanted to be that again. Someone's son. 

Oikawa took the medication from the draw, pouring the contents into his hand. He took a deep breath and stared.

He could still hear the voices of his boyfriends downstairs. The tv was playing softly behind their chatter. He wondered why they hadn't just left. It was obvious he was a lost cause.

Oikawa gulped before tipping the pills back into his mouth, gagging slightly as he tried to swallow all of them at once.

He managed though.

He was sick of living.