Her first time

Chapter Forty-six.

Right now Trish comforting me is all I need. "I'll make sure you don't have to see him for a while. If you want I can stay and we can watch a movie together." " That's a very sweet offer, but I think I just need to be alone for a while." "Yeah, sure I totally get it. Take all the time you need. We'll keep in touch." she says, stands up, and starts packing her bag. I'm guessing she is staying at Leah's for the weekend. Which means I'll have the place to myself. Before she leaves she says "I'm off to Leah, but if you need anything just call or text. I love you." "Thanks, I will, and have fun. Love you too." I think we have now reached the point of being best friends by saying love to each other. It's a great feeling to have another best friend. "Yeah, we will," She says with a smile on her face and closes the door behind her. Wich leaves me all alone with my thoughts and feelings.

 I look at my phone hoping for a text from Eliot, but there are non. And actually, I couldn't blame him after what I did to him. I'm just now hoping for some sign that everything is going to be okay. I would love to talk to my mother about this, but I don't think that's a good idea, she'll probably be furious and maybe even more heartbroken than I am since she's has been planning my wedding to Eliot when I was only eight years old. She'll say Eliot has a good future ahead of him, a nice family who loves me and welcomed me as their own daughter. She will say how stupid I am to throw that all away including his family's money and legacy. I know she is right in some way, not about the money of course cause I don't care about that, but I'm not sure if Eliot and I are meant to be. We are a lot alike, but he doesn't really know me at all. 

He knows the person my mother made me be. I think I have no tears left to cry cause I'm done crying. I'm shocked at the time when I see it's 11.00 pm. I'm not hungry at all and I'm just tired so I decided to get into bed and try to sleep. When I'm finally ready and in my bed, I check my phone for any messages from Eliot, but again there are no messages. I wish this wouldn't have happened. I wish I never even met Justin. I wish I had no feelings for him and I wish he wasn't an awful person. I'm still trying to wrap my head around everything that happened today, and it seems like sleeping isn't an option. My conscience won't leave me alone, so after two hours of trying to sleep I decided to go on a late-night walk, well actually past midnight walks since it's now 2.00 am. 

I just started walking and without realizing it I ended up at the driveway of the Frat house. I stand there for about five minutes not knowing how I got here and not knowing what to do. The front door opens and two boys come out running and laughing looking very surprised to see me. Which is understandable when I look at myself and see I'm in my sweatpants and pajama shirt."Jo weird girl, what's up?" One of the boys says and looks me up and down. "Nothing I was just leaving," I say and turn around to walk away. I'm so confused how did I get here? How did I even know how to go? Why did I end up here? I slowly walk back to campus and the sun is almost coming up. I'm so confused and decided I needed to stay inside to prevent myself from doing something stupid. I'm walking up the stairs to my dorm wondering how my life is going to be without Eliot in it. 

I feel the pain and sadness coming back and the tears too. When I open the door to my room the tears are rolling down my cheeks. I'm not just sad and hurt I'm also so angry I've never felt this kind of anger before. I'm so angry at him that I want to punch something. I crawl back in bed crying and thinking of how I could be so stupid and how I ended up at the frat house. It's officially Friday now the sun has come up and I've decided to stay in bed for the whole day. I don't know why, but it feels like this day is never-ending although it is almost 6.00 pm. I haven't set foot outside my dorm, well that is not entirely true I did need to pee. I'm guessing this is what you do when you go through a breakup only I haven't eaten and normally in movies, they eat away all their emotions, but I'm just not feeling hungry or thirsty. I'm not feeling anything at all I feel empty and alone. I can't describe how I feel, but I do know I never wish for anyone to feel like I do right now.