For now (a destiel fanfic)

Chapter 10

A/N: hey babes, so these next two chapter are extremely screwed up and I am warning you that there is mentions of abuse and even rape, there is also panic attacks. This chapter is less about the actual plot of the story but more to show how bad Dean really had it as a kid and how terrible of a father John was. Don't worry I'm getting to the part where Cas comes back, just not this chapter. I thought of this to give more backstory and I built in the plot for a good Segway to the next chapter and the big problem of the story.

It had been three months since the breakup at this point and Dean was finally starting to feel a little better, he still missed Cas and he definitely still loved him which he knew wouldn't change anytime soon. He started sleeping in his own bed again even though he hated it, it felt empty now and way too big without his angel laying next to him but he dealt with it so that he could stop worrying Sam as much.

His old drinking habits were definitely back especially now that the nightmares have become more and more frequent. Lately though it was less nightmares about hell or hunting or the things the brothers have been through, it was more of the nightmares that Dean hated the most. He was constantly having nightmares from when they were younger, remembering all the things John did or said. 

With Cas leaving him it brought back all the memories of what John had always told him as a kid and with those memories also came the worst ones of all, the worst things that John ever did. Dean tried his best to forget them, tried to pretend like it didn't happen but it got harder and harder. When he was younger he was always a good soldier and followed his orders no matter what, he actually thought that John was a good dad at some point. He chalked it up to him just wanting the best for his son which meant him being straight.

After John died and Dean got older he started seeing more and more happy outed couples even some hunters and he realized that there was never anything wrong with him, still he kept that side of him tucked away. He also started hearing more about people's relationships with their parents and that's when he finally actually accepted that what John did was never love and it definitely wasn't how parents are supposed to act with their children.

He woke up at 4AM from yet another one of the worse ones so he got up to wash his face, this one was so bad though that it ended up triggering a panic attack. He stumbled back to his bed since he started to feel dizzy, knocking something over onto the floor. Sam must have been awake for some reason because he heard it and came into his brother's room only to see him sitting on the edge of his bed breathing way too quickly.

He rushed over to him "Dean what the hell happened, are you okay?" his brother didn't answer him because he was still trying to regulate his breathing, he had to get it under control or else he might faint. It wasn't his first or worst panic attack but it was a really bad one, usually during the bad ones he couldn't talk. Sam finally realized what was happening and knew exactly what to do "Dean, Dean look at me okay?"

He looked at his little brother but still didn't say anything "I need you to repeat after me okay? 1, 2, 3" he struggled at first but repeated the numbers "1...2...3" Sam nodded and continued "okay now 7, 4, 9" he was confused but repeated them "7...4...9" He was starting to calm down a little bit but it was still bad "good now all together 1, 2, 3, 9, 15, 11" Dean repeated the numbers and felt his heart rate go down "1...2...3...9, 15, 11"

He nodded and put his hand on Sam's shoulder appreciatively "thanks Sammy where the hell did you learn that" Sam sighed in relief before answering "Your brain doesn't allow you to count out loud out of order and have a panic attack at the same time, it's how Jess used to help me when I got them at Stanford" his smile fell a little at the memory and so did Dean's at the mention of his little brother getting hurt or having to deal with anxiety like him.

A/N: that's an actual trick by the way for anyone who needs it, it always gets me through my panic attacks and helps me calm my breathing.

They stayed silent for a few seconds before Dean realized something "wait I know why I'm awake, but why are you" Sam suddenly remembered why he was up and replied "oh yeah um Jodi called, I don't think she realized how late it was because she's working on a case. It's pretty bad and she has help from another hunter but she called because the hunter said he was an old friend of dad's and she asked if we wanted to come talk to him, maybe help her on the case?" Dean nodded and stood up, walking to his bathroom.

"Yeah just let me take a shower and then we can hit the road, it's about a six hour drive so we can be there by morning" with that Sam left the room and started to pack, they got in the car half an hour later and started driving. Dean was anxious about this hunter that supposedly knew John especially since Sam didn't know either, Jodi seemed a little stressed about the case so he never asked. To get his mind off of it he decided to just talk over the case "so what are we hunting?"

Sam had a weird expression on his face "I don't know Jodi wasn't really making any sense, she thought it was a high level demon somehow" Dean turned to look at his with a confused expression "demon? That's impossible we closed the gates, all the demon's were sent back" Sam just shrugged in response "yeah I don't know we'll see when we get there I guess" Dean nodded and turned the volume up on the radio.

When they finally got to Jodi's cabin she immediately greeted them outside, hearing the roar of the impala pull up "hey boys" they both smiled and gave her bear hugs "so this guy who knew our dad, is he here?" she nodded and as if on que a guy walked out of the door "Sammy Winchester my god you've grown" he said while hugging Sam "hey Pete" he responded, quickly recognizing him. Unfortunately Dean didn't react the same way.

He recognized him too but not in the way Sam did, he recognized him from the nightmares he had every night. He went to hug Dean but he quickly backed away and aimed his gun up "you come any closer or lay a finger on me I will shoot you do you understand me" he put his hands up and backed "so I take it you remember me" he said smugly "I could never forget you, you son of a bitch" Sam stood in front of him and he put the gun down.

Jodi immediately put hers up and aimed it at the hunter "Dean?" he put his gun back where he always keeps it and sighed "it's nothing Sammy we just had a bit of a falling out when I was younger" he lied, he walked up and lowered Jodi's arm "it's fine just go back inside I want to talk to him alone" they were both going to protest but the look in Dean's eyes told them not to. The second they were back inside Dean looked back at him "You listen to me alright I'm here to help Jodi with her case and then I'm leaving, if you so much as go near me or my little brother you are not leaving here unless it's in a body bag"

Even though he was threatening him and putting up an angry front Dean was terrified on the inside of the man standing in front of him, the man knew this and just smirked "as long as I don't need to teach you any more lessons" he walked past him and into the house, Dean immediately got into the car and started driving. He needed to get as far away from that man as possible right now to calm down so he sent Sam a text saying he needed to clear his head and that he would be back soon.

A/N: Okay so I think I might have to make this into two parts but I will try to publish the second part today.