For now (a destiel fanfic)

Chapter 17

Cas woke up the next morning immediately feeling cold without Dean's arms wrapped around him, he had woken up every morning like this for three months and he was scared to open his eyes because he didn't want the events of the past few days to have just been a dream. When he finally let himself open them he saw the motel room that Dean had booked and let out a small sigh of relief.

That relief quickly washed away though when he looked around and couldn't find his hunter anywhere, the bathroom door was open and the lights off, there was no one in the kitchen or on the other bed. He immediately started to panic and overthink, he had developed severe panic attacks even after getting his grace back because he lost the one person that could actually calm him down.

He started remembering the events of last night and that's when it hit him "yeah goodnight Cas" oh my god, Dean left him, he didn't love him anymore, he couldn't forgive him for making that deal and breaking his heart, last night was nothing more than a goodbye, maybe it was even less than a goodbye. He told himself that he didn't even deserve a goodbye, that Dean had just used him to relieve stress, that night probably meant nothing to Dean, he probably meant nothing to Dean now after what he did.

He was so busy overthinking and making up scenarios in his head to put himself down that he didn't even hear the door open, it wasn't until Dean was calling his name that he actually snapped out of it. He hadn't even realized that he was just standing in one place this entire time until now "Dean?" he asked, his voice broken and barely above a whisper. The man who was now right in front of him nodded "are you okay?" he asked worried while wiping tears off of the angel's face.

"I thought-" he paused to take a breath when Dean placed a hand on his cheek to comfort him "i thought you left" he just shook his head in response and pointed behind him to the bags on the table "i went to get us breakfast since neither of us ate anything yesterday, didn't you read my note?" he asked softly with a slight smile to calm Cas down but it wasn't working, he needed to ask a very important question and he didn't know how to tiptoe around it so he just accidentally blurted it out "Dean do you not love me anymore?"

Dean was slightly taken aback by the sudden and unexpected question "what?" he asked and tears started to run down Cas' face again "last night before we went to sleep i told you i loved you and you didn't say it back and then this morning you were gone so i didn't know what to think" he started "Cas" Dean tried but Cas was way too caught up in his own overthinking to actually listen "i know you rarely said it before we were together but when we were you mostly said it first every chance you got and no matter what whenever i said it you would always, always say it back. You always wanted to make sure i knew and last night you didn't say it back and i know, i know you need time because everything happened so quickly but i need to know if you actually still love me even though i wouldn't blame you if you didn't i did-"

Dean finally got his attention by connecting their lips, it was a short but passionate kiss but when he pulled away he sighed "of course i do Cas, i never stopped" he finally answered but still didn't actually say the words "but then why last night" Dean walked over to the bed and sat down on it, rubbing his hand over his face "last night when you said that it brought me straight back to the day where you told me you never loved me, that's all i could hear in that moment and i froze up. I couldn't let myself believe-" he cleared his throat

"I couldn't let myself hope that you meant it when for months i thought that it was all a lie" his own tears were now starting to drip from his face, he quickly wiped them away and looked down to not make eye contact with Cas. Suddenly he felt Cas' hand on his chin as he tilted his head up to look at him and he leaned down to kiss him deeply and lovingly, the angel sat on Dean's lap with his knees on either side of the hunter's thighs. They broke apart but kept their foreheads together and their eyes closed.