For now (a destiel fanfic)

Chapter 12

A/N: hey babes so i usually don't read the first paragraphs of a chapter if it's reminding me of what happened a few chapters ago but i hope you will because this is the fight but in Cas's POV.

I talked to Sam for a while when i first got back while Dean stood behind him, i tried to give some hints as to what was about to happen while also trying to keep the conversation longer because i really didn't want to do this next part. When Sam left Dean immediately ran to me and pulled my face up to his own, closing the gap between us, it took everything i had not to kiss back and he felt it so he pulled away.

"What's wrong?" he asked scared, i sighed to mentally prepare myself before starting "Dean we need to talk. I don't think we should be together anymore" i said in an almost monotone like voice, i sounded just like i did when we first met, emotionless. "What?" Dean asked, barely above a whisper which broke my heart but i didn't show it "it's nothing personal-" i was cut off before i could continue when Dean started yelling "NOTHING PERSONAL? Nothing personal? What are you firing me? what happened to 'i will never ever leave you'?" he let out a scoff "what happened to 'i love you'?" i looked up, holding back all emotion so that i could say this next thing "i lied"

Dean didn't say anything for a moment, just looking into my eyes, no doubt searching for any evidence that i was lying or that this wasn't real "what do you mean you lied" he finally asked "when i was human i felt sad and vulnerable, you made me feel good and i didn't want to lose that so i lied and told you what you wanted to hear" i couldn't believe what i was saying but i knew it was for the best "i made you feel good? what you mean the sex, was that all i was to you, a distraction? Did i mean so little to you as a friend that you didn't care what happened to me, how i would feel about it" he asked angrily

I swallowed hard, trying to keep my face stoic "as a human i didn't want to tell you because i felt bad and didn't want to hurt you but now as an angel my human emotions are gone so i saw no use in continuing to do this or to hide the truth any longer" i replied calmly, still without showing a single emotion "oh don't make it sound like you kept it a secret for my benefit, you never cared you just didn't tell me because you wanted to keep sleeping with me. You're selfish you know that"

"How is what i did any different then what you used to do, you used a different woman basically every night for sex and then never called them again" i didn't believe a word i was saying but i needed to make him angry enough to let me go and i needed to make this believable "THE DIFFERENCE" he yelled "the difference is that i never let them believe that i was in love with them for months, months Cas" he shook his head and just sat down with his head in his hands "whatever i should've known that letting myself trust someone, letting myself love someone was gonna bite me in the ass" 

His words broke my heart since i knew how hard it had been to trust anyone after everything he has gone through, all i wanted to do was walk over to him and kiss him, to tell him it was all going to be okay, to hug him and never let go but i knew i couldn't. When he looked back up i hid the saddened expression on my face "What are you even still doing here, there's nothing left for you apparently" I let a single tear fall as i looked at him, broken with his head in his hands.

I left before he could see me but i didn't get far, i only flew to the outside of the bunker door and fell to my knees sobbing. I had just lost the love of my life, i hurt him in all the ways i promised i wouldn't and i didn't know if after this was all over i could salvage it. I sat there for what felt like hours, just crying and recalling the events of the last two weeks. I should've never gone, even if i was still human at least i could be with Dean.

Flashback to after Cas and Hannah found his grace:

Castiel picked up the small bottle that was glowing a light shade of blue and unscrewed the cap, he breathed in the remainder of his grace and felt the power come back to him. It got to be too much and part of his true form showed, the shadow of his wings spreading out behind him and his eyes glowing with angelic grace.

Suddenly he heard a loud scream coming from the other angel in the room, Hannah fell to the floor in a bright flash of light. When she hit the ground someone was revealed behind her, holding an angel blade "Abaddon?" Cas said roughly, immediately holding his own blade and shining his eyes yet again "how did you escape hell?" she smiled bitterly "well after you and those pesky little Winchesters shut the gates i found a little crack in the foundation, i guess you missed a little something in the spell" 

He looked at her in disbelief "that's not possible" he shook his head "oh but it is, i dug myself out of there inch by agonizing inch just so that i could finally get back up here and get my revenge" he took a sort of battle stance at her words "you won't go anywhere near them" he showed his wings again to intimidate her but she just laughed "oh please you think i'm scared of you, you just got your grace back it will take some time to recharge and even if it didn't you're nowhere near as strong as you were"

He didn't back down at her words "would you like to test that theory?" he spat out, she tapped her finger on her chin like she was thinking and then smirked "no actually i would much rather make a deal with you" he looked at her like she was a complete idiot "you wanna make a deal? with me?" she nods "i'm an angel you bitch, i don't have a soul to sell" he said, the sass practically dripping from his voice.

She rolled her eyes "i see your time with the Winchesters has been educational" she said sarcastically before continuing "you might not have a soul but you have something i want so much more" he looked at her confused so she continued "you can hurt Dean Winchester in a way i could never even begin to imagine, you can break his heart" he stiffened and tightened the grip on his blade "if you want to kill me then kill me but i won't hurt him"

She laughed at him again "oh i don't want to kill you i want to kill them" his eyes widened a little "so if i make this deal, if i leave Dean then you won't hurt either of them" she had a sadistic smirk on her face "oh no no no, you're not just going to leave him" he squinted his eyes, confused yet again "you're going to break him, you're going to hurt him in every way you know how" he felt tears start to form in his eyes, knowing that he had to take this deal so that he could make sure his hunter was safe...

"Well?"

"Deal."

Back to the present, three months after the breakup:

The last three months had been absolute torture for Cas, he couldn't get the heartbroken and betrayed look Dean had out of his head. He also heard Dean praying to him practically every night, brokenly asking him to come back and tell him it was all a dream but he couldn't no matter how much he wanted to. It broke him even more when he realized that Dean never called him names or got mad at him during his prayers, he had been blaming himself for the whole thing.

Because he was human for so long some of the things he got used to stayed with him even though his grace was now at full capacity. He still needed to sleep every night, he still had dreams and even nightmares during those hours and even though he didn't need to eat he still could if he wanted to, the food no longer tasted like molecules. It didn't really bother him all that much, he liked to know that at least some part of him was still human.

One night he was trying to fall asleep when he heard Dean's voice in his head again, only this time something was different. He wasn't pleading for Cas to come back, he was asking him to come help "i pray to Castiel... I really hope you can hear me man or that you even care enough to listen-" his words made Cas look down, upset "-none of that matters right now because i need your help. Listen i know what you said okay, i heard you but even if you never loved me i like to think that we were at least friends once. We fought together and we had each others backs, listen uh Sammy's hurt and i can't take him to a hospital because they can't help. Please Sam needs you, I need you.

The words almost made Cas break down in tears but he couldn't there was no time for that, he had to save Sam. So before Dean even finished his prayer the motel room was suddenly empty except for a few papers that flew on the floor with the strong flap of his wings.