FOOD
"joyce..." el whispers as she looks up, "yes sweetie?"
"too- too much food." el looks down at her plate in embarrassment.
joyce nods, "right yes, about that. remember when the doctor told you to slowly get back to normal portions of food?"
el could only nod.
"well before we left chicago, he gave me a schedule type of thing and starting from today we're gonna up the portion a bit. just to help you gradually get back to a healthy amount of food." joyce smiles.
the funny thing about suffering from an eating disorder and depression at the same time is that you don't quite know what caused which.
did the depression cause her to starve herself and develop an eating disorder?
or did starving herself develop her depression?
either way, she had both.
"look, i know it's hard but it's just one more egg and one more slice of toast." joyce smiles reassuringly.
el lets out a shaky breath and plays with the chair beneath her, "i can't do it."
"you can, i believe in you." joyce smiles, reaching for her hand, "you've gotten so much better, i know you can do this."
"but.... i don't know... i'm scared i'll throw it up." she whispers.
"okay... then just eat till you feel like you can't anymore. i won't push you in anyway." joyce says softly as el nods.
"wheres will?" she asks.
"probably still asleep, i'll go wake him again." joyce says as she stands up and walks out of the kitchen.
playing around with her food, el sighs deeply. it sucks that she couldn't do simple tasks like eating. she couldn't even eat eggs and toast, why did it feel so hard to do?
and why did the thought of eating just makes her want to throw it all up?
she puts her legs up on the chair, now sitting criss crossed as she stares at the food in front of her.
it's starvation or cutting, what punishment should i pick?
there's not enough space for more cuts anyways...
but joyce would notice starvation. she couldn't throw up at home either with these thin walls, they would hear.
cuts. she picks cuts.
picking up the fork, she slowly eats the scrambled eggs in front of her.
starvation and cuts have became an addiction she couldn't shake off. sometimes when something has been sticking with you for so long, you just miss the feeling once it's gone.
and when you head into the doctors office and they tell you you're progressing... well, you start to worry.
because deep down you don't want to get better and you don't want to become a damaged girl in the end.
YOU ARE READING
broken souls of blame | mileven
Hayran Kurgushe took all the blame on her fathers death and he took all the blame on his father's hatred towards his mother. they were both broken, but who knew they could fix each other? i guess math does make sense now, negative and negative equals positive.
