Miss You More (A Joey McIntyre/Jordan Knight Fanfiction)

7

Watching Amber drive away Joe can't help but think about what she just told him.

Could she be telling the truth? Has she really not been with anyone else? It's been two years. Joe jumps in his car and heads to Amber's.

She's just getting out of her car when he pulls in behind her in her driveway. "Joe, what are your doing here?"

"What did you mean by that?"

She has no idea what he's talking about. "What did I mean by what Joe?"

"What did you mean when you said there hadn't been anyone else?"

She laughs, "What do you think I meant Joe? I haven't had sex with anyone else since you. I didn't leave here two years ago with the intent to never come back. I didn't leave with the intent of divorcing you. I left here because I felt crazy. I didn't feel like me. I was having the most horrible thoughts. Thoughts of hurting myself. I left here to get help. And I didn't know how to talk to you or anyone else. I literally felt like I was losing my fucking mind Joe."

Joe can't believe what he's hearing. How could she have ever thought about hurting herself? "I don't understand Amber. What are you saying?"

Amber hasn't told anyone this, and she can't even bring herself to tell him the whole truth now. She hasn't had the courage to tell anyone, not even her parents, why she left. "Joe I didn't understand myself at first. I was so scared and confused. I was terrified. I saw those pictures of you and Sam, and then I just felt hopeless. After I left I spent a few days at a hotel in Virginia. I finally picked up my phone and listened to my messages. I knew I had to figure out what was wrong with me. All I could do was think about how much better off you would be with me gone for good. I heard the hurt in your voice in every voice-mail you sent. I finally found a hospital and checked myself in."

"Wait, you were in a hospital the whole time you were gone? Why didn't you call me?"

"I wasn't in the hospital the whole time. Once I was diagnosed they helped me get back to myself. It took a lot of work. But I had to get back here to you and him. I was too late though. I let too much time go by, I know you'll never forgive me. And I don't blame you. I should have called. I should have let you know where I was and what was going on. I'm sorry I didn't Joseph."

Joe doesn't know what to think. He's been so mad at her for so long. He thought she was just angry and left because of those damn pictures, but that wasn't it at all. He feels like he's to blame, he should have been with her. He should have never let her be alone. He should have been a better husband. She needed him and he hadn't been there. He's not ready to deal with this right now. He's got to get out of here. Think about this when her eyes aren't on him. "Amber I'm sorry I didn't know. Look I have to go get the kid. We can talk more about this later, okay?"

But they don't talk about it later. Neither Joe or Amber mention it, not for a long time.  Weeks go by and it's just the same old, same old. James and Susan conduct every exchange with Joey, and Amber and Joe don't have to lay eyes on each other.

Joe thinks a lot about what Amber told him. He's just not sure how he feels about it. He knows he should talk to her, but he's just so angry. He was her husband, she should have talked to him two years ago. They'd been so in love and they'd always talked about everything. He didn't understand why she felt like she couldn't talk to him back then, but wants to talk now. Why'd she feel the need to try and justify something that was so unjustifiable. Leaving your newborn child was not something he'd ever understand. No matter what.

He's sick of thinking about her. He's sick of her acting like she didn't do anything wrong. He's not doing it anymore. He'd let her be in Joey's life, but he was not going to keep putting himself through this heartache anymore.

Amber attempts to approach Joe twice at the recording studio. The first time he turned and walked away before she could say anything to him.

The second time he doesn't get away so easily. "Joe, I was hoping we could finish that conversation we started a few weeks ago. I'd really like to finish explaining what happened."

"Amber there's nothing else for us to talk about. I'm tired of talking about you leaving me. I'm tired of reliving it over and over again so you can feel better. It just keeps making me feel like shit. So I'm done. I don't want to hear anymore about it."

Tears sting Amber's eyes. "But Joe..."

Joe's seething now. She just won't stop. He's tried to keep a lid on his anger, but he finally just can't. "Amber, just STOP! I'm not having this conversation with you. You left me and our son. I don't give a flying fuck why you left us. It doesn't change anything Amber. You left, that's all that fucking matters. I don't care that you were depressed. I don't care about anything other than the fact that YOU FUCKING LEFT!! I don't care about making YOU feel better. You've had two fucking years to make yourself feel better. When the hell do I get to feel better huh Amber? When? I've been picking up the shattered pieces of myself, ALL BY MYSELF!! Now leave me the fuck alone. Don't come at me with this bullshit anymore. If it's not about you seeing our son, don't fucking talk to me. I'm trying real hard not to hate you anymore. But you're making it damn near impossible." Joe turns on his heels and leaves Amber standing in shock at his harsh words.

"Hey Amber, you okay?" Amber wipes the tears off her cheeks when she hears Bradley, one of her producers. "Yeah I'm good. Is it okay if I take a short break Bradley? I'm really sorry, I promise I just need a minute."

Bradley walks over to her and he hands her a tissue. "It's fine, take as long as you need."