Teen Titans one shots

Sitting with Slade

Summary: A sequel to 'Spying with Slade'. Slade kidnaps...er, babysits Mar'i. Chaos ensues. 

-

"I've done everything."

Slade repeatedly bashed his head against his computer, typing italics reminiscent of a cat running across a keyboard. Somehow, he felt like he'd said those words before, in a fanfiction far, far, away. 

"Slade restaurant. Slade toy. Sladeland, to compete with Disney. I don't get why it closed down. Those kids were lucky to go on a simulator of how I lost my eye." Slade looked at the floor of his tiny abandoned factory, which he had to move into because of dicey money choices. The only wearers of his Slade merch (on sale fifteen percent off!) were the rats. "And still no respectable citizens willing to become my apprentice." 

The rats tugged on his pant leg, grumbling that the shirts were a rip-off and they wanted a refund. Choking back his tears, Slade returned the swiss cheese that should've been his dinner for tonight. "Maybe I should change my target. The only people that ever came to the grand openings were ki-"

"THAT'S IT!" He lept from his slump in an energized lunge, humming with glee as the device voice-activated."KIDS! Computer, track the children of Jump City!" 

"If I may, sir," If the screen could perform facial expressions, it'd be rolling its eyes. "You have already contacted every child in a 100-mile radius from the ages of 5-18 to ask for an apprentice. All declined. You also accumulated twenty restraining orders." 

"Oh. Right." Slade deflated back into a ball of self-pity. "A real supervillain would've had a higher number." 

"However..." The artificial help continued. 

Slade went through more intense mood swings than a teenager on her period. "Yes, computer?!"

"There are two children you haven't inquired, sir: Mar'i and Jake Grayson. Offspring of file four; Koriandr, more commonly known as Starfire, and-" 

"I know who their parents are, computer." Slade rubbed his backside. It was still sore from the searing starbolt launched at him during their battle last week. "That date all those years ago went a little too well." 

Although the passage of time hadn't been kind to his sprouting gray hairs, it had been to the Titans. Engagements. Weddings. Children. He bet all their hybrid-species mini-me's rubbed shoulders at reunion parties. 

"Sickening. Truly sickening." Lately, when ads came up for 'SINGLE GIRLS SO SINGLE: ONLY TEN MILES AWAY!' he'd been clicking without hesitation, only to be disappointed when the new tab infected a virus into his browser. "You know you've hit rock bottom when you ask Control Freak for relationship advice." 

"Calling Control Freak now." 

"NO, COMPUTER! WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT MATTERS TO ATTEND TO!" Maybe the repairman hadn't fully purged the disease from his AI. That thing had something against him. 

"Plot a route to Titans Tower." He flipped the hair remaining on his balding head, showing off for the imaginary camera. "It's sitting time!" 

-

"Robin, will you come here?" 

Stretching his legs, Dick Grayson bounded off the couch. It was another lazy morning at the Tower. Raven and Beastboy's toddlers had come over for a playdate, and their respective bundles of joy burned off their supernatural energy for hours before collapsing in a cuddly heap for a nap. The most their parents had to do was leave their brunch mimosas for five minutes to stop Mumbo Jumbo's halfhearted scheme. Maybe next time their kids could accompany them and began training for their own thrilling superhero experience. 

"What is it, Star?" He expected a problem in the kitchen, or if he was lucky, to take advantage of their rare parenting reprieve with a quick romp. "And you know, it's Nightwing now," he teased. 

"I do not have time for the subtle of flirting that indicates we are a happy v'ari." She pulled back the pastel curtain to the nursery littered with soothing cartoon animals. A chilling wind swept through the playroom, one that shouldn't have been blowing considering the window was closed. Or used to be. Broken glass was scattered on the floor, shards raking through a noticeably empty bed. Her younger brother wasn't fazed by his sister's disappearance. For him, the window fragments were a yummy snack. "Mar'i is gone." 

He should've cried. Buried his nose in her favorite blankie, wailing 'MY BABY' until the words without her presence meant nothing. But instead, he said, "Don't worry, Star. I think Slade took her." 

"Slade?" Starfire sniffled, head in her hands. "Why?"

"He left a note." Robin read aloud. "I kidnapped your daughter. Good luck trying to figure out who I am! Love, Slade." 

"Oh." 

-

"My mommy says you like to say 'Robin' a lot." 

"I don't." 

"My mommy says you have an eyepatch because of a bad scratch from a kitty."

"I don't." 

"My mommy says you tried to make the world go kablooey with a ray gun." 

"That was one time." 

"My mommy says-" 

"Well, your mommy is WRONG!" Slade was a hair's breadth away from enacting his own form of 'timeout.' If your parents didn't shoot at you with a laser when you didn't want to go to Junior Villain Scouts, you haven't been truly disciplined. "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" 

"Of course I do." Mari shrugged. "You're Uncle Slade." 

"Uncle. UNCLE?" Slade screeched, being bombarded with the worst of indignities: family. "I am NOT your uncle. I am Slade, master of manipulation, vile of villainy! And you are my apprentice." 

Mari looked around for a doll she could play with. "Ok." 

"Yes. YESSSSSSSS!" He could see it clearly now. The fires they would start. The chicks he would bag with the 'single father' ploy. The publishers that would compete for their Slade-memoir. "Finally, I have an apprentice! FINALLY, WE CAN TAKE OVER THE-" 

"Thanks for watching Mar'i for a while." Robin dropped down from the factory's rafters, scooping up the six-year-old with a grappling hook. "We needed that few hours off."

"Can you come through the door of the front next time?" Starfire waved from the sky, bouncing baby Jake on her hip. "Glass is quite hard to replace." 

Slade was speechless. "U-Uhh..."

"Oh, and about our battle for tomorrow. Can we reschedule that for next Tuesday?" Robin cracked his limbs, winking at Starfire. "All that 'exercise' today made my back hurt." 

"I-I-" Slade stopped fighting it, exhaling a long, hard groan. "Us villains are understanding about schedule conflicts. Do what you want." 

"Us Villains." Starfire let out a lighthearted giggle. "See, Mari? Your Uncle Slade is very funny." 

And the family proceeded to enjoy their walk (or flight) home. 

While Slade proceeded to kidnap Jake instead.

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SLADE JUST BABYSITTED UR KID AND TAUGHT HER THE BASICS OF VILLAINY FOR HOURS AND Y'ALL AREN'T EVEN GONNA PAY HIM? cheapskates.