Silent Whispers of Dysphoria

A Beggar in Utopia

One day I'll no longer be in hope of your message,
No longer in the hope of some sign from you.

Sadly, I still have parts of me missing you, consciously,
Every second and every moment of my life.
In dreams and at work,
In play and in leisure of mine, I still miss you.

It's insane how I never even use 'miss' for anyone,
Nor do I for most but accept, it's not the case with you.

Funny, like a victim in love with its kidnapper,
Like a flower falling for the plucker.
As if I'm a masochist in love with the pain
That only you and you have driven.

Felt like I could fight you, our love, for all this long.
I give in - I'm a loser in fighting us; giving up on us.

Confetti, in the air, of aroma of love -
Like the aurora of serendipity.
Oh what a fool was I to desire tranquillity and smile.
But this silly heart for you still cries.

Tears don't well and roll down my cheeks, they are tired and dry.
But this shattered heart aches, and dies everyday in silence.

Coincidence or not, years ago the same went on.
Remember asking me the reason for sunken eyes?
This time you did again. Reason - lacking sleep yearning you.
History repeats itself - seems true.

A beggar in utopia - even if just for a few months,
It was wrong of me to dream it would last.

Waking up excited, just to talk to you.
Closing eyes with our honey-sweet goodnights.
Pain was there in the dreamland but love more,
Illusion or mirage, I'm thankful to thee for those long gone days.

A fighter, but you never faught for us,
A loser in everything, but always bled for your sake.

A speck of dirt in your precious life,
Lie lied to myself as the autumn's dead leaves.
Pain in beauty, beauty in pain;
I was never of your worth in any way.

The priority even your name holds for me;
My soul seems just to be an annoying fly to thee.

Even though shattering with ache,
Your love feels altruistic and magnificent.
This morbid fascination of mine
Has been killing me everyday.

The joy every message of yours held,
Now horrifies me with cold sweats - that it may be of separation even farther.

The number of times you left
Should have made me despise you,
But it made me love you even more instead.
I weave a love story at the uncertain crossroads of our fate.

You surrendered before situation forever,
I surrendered just before you.

The circumstances and environment you gave;
Dark nightmares of blazing black flames,
Of nothing even grey but blurry moore, implied.
Epiphany I had, it has all been so real.

I have been the killer of so many, though unintentionally;
I have been the sufferer in your hands of pleasant agony.

I don't doubt your love,
Doubt I your strength of holding us.
Broken I was and am, too;
It's just I find my solace in you.

In times sweet we have had held on the rope with glee,
I wish you would've been there on the other side when I bled in solitude.

I need you, it's perfectly true,
But it's not the reason I have been with you.
You have been my want and not just any need,
I've been because I love you just because I do.

Should I be in despair that you would never return and we never the same?
Or should I hold on just as I've been doing for now so long?

I have the answer I've been introspecting -
I'll hold on you; I'll hold on us.
I'll be waiting for you at the end of the road,
Where the horizon meets the ocean - sun's kiss at dusk.

You were the one to tell we are not for just 'happy moments',
Though I never told, it seems I'm the one believing.

Everytime an event happens, even if minute,
I reach out for my cell phone to tell you.
Only to realise what a nuisance I've been,
And I restraint.

I smile unknowingly recalling our moments, against my mind's will,
It fades steadily as I come back to reality.

I try to recall and relive the harsh moments, your anger and frustration;
I try to remember how I added up to your stress.
But I end up loving you even more; wanting you even more.
I end up understanding you and your state even more.

Now that I find, I have no one to hold on to.
Now that I fumble for your hand, I just get hold of thin air.

I stare at nowhere, the ceiling and faraway;
I still wake up to go on, or drag, with everyday.
As long as I am fighting for my breath,
I'll hold on you, dear mine. I'll wait for us.

I cannot leave me, can I?
And you know what, you have always been 'me'.

                                - Zayana Cullen

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