Do I still love you

Therapist

This chapter be mostly about Arizona

ARIZONA POV
After lunch with Nicole and talking to the chief I had my therapy session. I knew how this things go and how it is. My previous therapist knew everything. Now I had to open and tell and share all my darkest secrets and everything I have been through. It's now 7pm and I'm sitting in a waiting room and scrolling through internet and searching for dress because me and Herman need to do found raising party and I need to give a speech. Should I invite Callie? I don't know.

"Hello. You must be Dr. Robbins." The sweet old lady said as she opened her door
"Yes I am and please call me Arizona." I said
"Please come in." I did as she told me
I sit down on the sofa and suddenly I felt the rush of anxiety coming.
"So what brings you here?"she said
"I don't really know. I can't sleep. I have these ugly nightmares and I am having anxiety rushes all the time." I said
"Why do you think you have them?" She asked and I don't really know. I had been through so many hurtful things.
"I... I don't know. I guess because the bad things that happened to me." I said and tear slipped out of my eye
"Tell me about them and take your time. No rush on you." She said
"OK..I will try. So my family is military. My grandfather, father and brother have been there. We moved a lot so I never got really attached to any place or person. One day I was like 16 I came out and I had my first girlfriend and I got attached and it was in New York and we were there for 3 years I think. It was the longest time where we were staying. I got attached to this girl. My first love and we didn't move but she broke up with me after two years I think and it was nasty. I never felt like this. I was totally lost. I didn't feel anything so I started cutting my self really hard and I stopped eating. Nobody really noticed it until I collapsed on my softball training. My brother was the one who got me out of it. He died in military and all we got was a freaking flag." I said and then I realized that I was tearing off.
"It's ok Arizona. Take all the time you need." She said and I decided to continue
"I was broken. But I sweared to him that if something goes wrong I don't cut myself again. So I didn't do it but I didn't eat. It was nasty. I got out of it and I started live for him. Then I met I would say the love of my life it was complicated. We were in shooting. If she wasn't there I don't know what would have happened. We had a car crash and she almost died and my daughter too. They both survived but it was so ugly and I.. I can't imagine life without them. And then my best friend. He was like... like a brother to me. Nick. He had a tumor and he died. I was completely train wreck and angry and I switched positions on plane where I wasn't supposed to be.And the plane.. the plane crashed. I lost my leg. Father of my child was dying in my hands for days and then he died in the hospital. I was in massive depression. I was awful to everyone. To Callie, to my closest friend and when I was all better I did one of the biggest mistake of my life. I cheated on Callie. I hate me for it. I know why I did it but I was so stupid. We tried after it but we did not work. We divorced. But then she met this women." I said thinking about her again. She was at my house today
"This women.. Callie looked at her like she looked at me. It broke me. I didn't eat again but I had to work out with it. I had my beautiful daughter. Then Callie decided to move here but I didn't allow it because of Sofia. We went through custody battle. It was so ugly. The things she let them say about me were awful. I won. But I hated to see her broken like she was. So I let her her go here. We worked out Sofia. But I needed change so I moved there like 5 days ago. I am happy. But I still have strong feelings for her. They have been always there. She makes me feel something that is so different. Nobody can do that. And it terrifies me so much. But I love her and I want to be with her. She is still the freaking one person I can sleep with without nightmares. And I'm terrified of it. Of what we have been through. She is single now and I am an we practically live together. But as much as I want to something tells e that I can't. So practically every men I ever loved died or I screwed everything up." I said and she nodded
"Does Callie knows about the eating and cutting?" She asked
"Mm.. No she doesn't know. Only my parents and brother knew." I said
"Why didn't you tell her?" She asked and it is really hard question
"I...I don't know. Maybe because it's my escape place. Kinda like defense mechanism."
"You need to tell her. You know it."
"But I don't want to. I don't want to see her pity look on her face. Every time it is only mistake."
"Look at what you have told me. She loves you. She have seen you on your worse. She won't judge you."
Then we talked about everything and next week I have my appointment again. It was so hard. Talk about Tim, Mark and Nick. About custody battle. About the cutting and how I need to tell Callie. I couldn't go shopping again because it was late so I bought cigarettes. Smoked three of them and the rest I threw into thrash. Then I went home to probably sleeping Sofia and Calliope.