Let It Go

22.

Derek sighed deeply as he sat on the makeshift front porch of his trailer, looking out over the mountains. He was exhausted. He hadn't been able to sleep in two days, worrying about his sister, Harrison, his new nephew who, at the moment, was still nameless. At least he blamed not being able to sleep on worrying. Really, it wasn't that he couldn't sleep. It was that when he did, the nightmares came back. He hadn't had those nightmares in over a year and a half. But since Annie's accident, every time he closed his eyes, the dreams came back. Sometimes they were what he imagined Addie's accident being like. Other times he relived the minutes he had spent trying to bring Addie back to life. Still other times his dreams were of Addie's body in a casket, the ghost of Addie floating above it, laughing at Derek as he apologized to Addison's boddy over and over again.

Derek closed his eyes tightly and opened them again, trying to end the daydreams thinking about his nightmares had brought on. His focus slowly shifted from the dreams to his sister and nephews. Annie was going to be okay. He had never really been worried that she wasn't. She'd always been strong, defiant. It was why their grandfather had called her 'pistol' growing up. His nephews though, they were so young, so dependent on others. The baby was just that - a baby. A baby that had come almost two months early. While he was doing well, everything was still so touch and go. His condition could change drastically in the course of an hour.

As much as Derek hated to admit it, losing Harrison was a lot more terrifying then losing the nephew he didn't really know. He and Harrison had been close from the day he'd been born. Harrison had always cheered Derek up, regardless of how down he'd been feeling. The sweet little boy had a way of making anyone fall in love with him. Derek couldn't imagine going to Christmas dinner or the family Easter egg hunt or Memorial Day picnic or Fourth of July cookout or any of the other numerous family gathering they had throughout the year without seeing Harrison playing with his cousins. He couldn't imagine not slipping Harrison hints about where the Easter eggs he'd hidden earlier were or not helping him write his name with sparklers like the older kids. Losing Harrison scared the hell out of him.

He sat back in his chair and again sighed heavily. Guilt had started to sink in. He knew he'd been unfair to Meredith. He knew he'd been down right hurtful. She had done nothing less then save his nephew's life. He should be following her around the hospital, worshipping her every move but instead he was sitting on the makeshift porch of his makeshift home, feeling sorry for himself.

Mark was right. He had punished Meredith because he couldn't save Addison. He had been the last person with the paddles. He had been the one with the last chance to save her. He hadn't though. He hadn't saved her. She had died right there on the table in front of him. He had married Addison, convinced himself he loved her. They had co-existed peacefully enough and then Addison had decided she had wanted a baby.

It wasn't the baby part that had caused their divorce. He'd been willing to give Addison a child. He had always wanted kids and at the time, he'd thought he'd loved Addison like a husband should love his wife. It was the wanting of the child that had brought their problems to light. Addison had come home from the hospital one day and had announced to Derek that they had problems. Derek knew he'd done what he could to save their marriage. They had talked to one another, gone to counseling, done everything they could have done. It had been in a moment of frustration that he'd realized he didn't love Addison. He loved her as a friend but nothing more. He had hated hurting her, but he also had known it wasn't fair to either of them to spend their lives locked in a loveless marriage.

The divorce had gotten nasty. Derek regretted it now. He regretted not giving her their house or the Jaguar that had been his prized possession. He regretted not sucking up his pride and paying her alimony. It had been all about him. Him and his foolish prize. He had been too proud to give up any of the things he had worked for. He swallowed hard. The last time he had seen her alive, they had fought, he had said things... She had died.