Let It Go

68.

Forty-Five minutes later, Meredith could feel her heart beating in her ears. Mark hadn't been able to get Derek. Derek hadn't answered for her and he hadn't been at the hospital, at least not that she could find. She turned into her driveway and felt a weight lifted off of her shoulders. Derek's BMW was there. She texted Mark as she hurried up the sidewalk to let him know Derek was there and that she'd let him know what was up later.

Meredith let herself in her house. The TV was on, lights glowed from the kitchen. Something smelled good. She cautiously walked into her living room. Derek was sitting on the sofa, watching CNN in a daze. She walked around the sofa to him, not sure what to expect.

"Hey," Derek greeted her with a tired smile. "Hey," Meredith replied, sitting down beside him, studying him closely. Oliver had been lounging on Derek's other side, but he got up and climbed over Meredith's lap to sit between them. He'd gotten attached to Derek in the last couple of months and Derek to him. Derek rubbed the dog's head absentmindedly.

"I fixed some chicken alfredo. I already ate - didn't know how long you'd be - but I saved you some. It's on a plate in the microwave. I even cleaned up after myself," Derek said with a smile. He sensed the tension between them. He knew she knew.

Meredith took in Derek's appearance. His hair was messy, his eyes had bags under them. He looked beat down and worn out. His eyes were rimmed with red, not sparkling they way they usually did when he looked at her. He looked as though he needed to sleep for a week.

"What happened today Derek?" Meredith asked softly. Derek sighed. "Mer, please. Can we not talk about this?" he asked. Meredith shook her head. "You're a mess Derek. You couldn't care for a patient today because she had the same hair color as Addison and had the same type of accident. And don't lie to me Derek - you've been having nightmares, haven't you? That's why you're getting out of bed with weird excuses at two in the morning." Derek sighed.

"Who told you?" he asked. "Mark. I got worried after I heard about the trauma room today. Then you didn't answer the phone so I called Mark." Derek rubbed his face. "It's just the time surrounding her death Meredith. That's all. I'm allowed to be a little sad about it." His voice was defensive. Meredith stood her ground.

"Yes Derek, you're allowed to be sad about it. But this? This isn't normal..." "Let me guess, PTSD?" Derek interrupted, challenging her. "Well...," Meredith trailed off. Derek stood up. "I'm upset Meredith. I'm allowed to be upset!" "Yes!" Meredith agreed. "You are. But Derek... You couldn't care for a patient today. You look like hell. That's not normal." Derek didn't say anything, his back to her.

"Derek, I love you. I get that this is hard on you. But if you talked about it..." "I'm not talking about this!" Derek snapped, spinning to face Meredith. "I'm not talking about it. I can't say that any clearer. I asked you to have some faith in me, trust me to work through this. Telling me this isn't normal is not having faith in me Meredith!" Meredith sighed.

"I'm trying to help," she said. "Well don't!" he snapped. "Don't help. Just... Just let me be for the next week. I'll get through this. I always do." They had a stare down. He was hurting, Meredith was worried. The stubborn part of her wanted to demand Derek to talk to her about this. The part that loved him wanted to drop this, not making him talk about something that caused him so much pain.

"Fine," Meredith relented. "Whatever you want." She turned and left the room, Derek watching her go. She went into the kitchen and turned the microwave on. She stood at her back door, looking out over her yard with her arms crossed, the mountains visible in the far distance from the subdivision. There were storm clouds moving in, fitting for her current mood. She heard Derek's footsteps coming towards her. They stopped in the kitchen doorway.

"I'm going to go take a shower," he said in a neutral voice. "Okay," Meredith replied evenly. She heard Derek sigh heavily. "I love you Meredith. You know that right?" he asked. Meredith nodded, her back still to him. "It'll get better - promise." Meredith nodded again. Derek sighed again and turned to go upstairs. "Love you too," Meredith called out, still starring out her door. Derek stopped and looked over his shoulder. "I know you do," he told her sincerely. She was hurting and he felt horrible for being the one who was hurting her - again. If she could just hang in there with him for the next week, he'd make things right.