Let It Go

25.

Meredith stared up at the surgical board, searching it again with her eyes. She ran her eyes up and down it, looking over and over for her name. It should have been there. It should have been listed next to OR 8, right along with Izzie Stevens, Dr. Kern who had become her favorite intern in the short few weeks she'd been at the medical center, and her usual, now trusted, scrub team. But her name wasn't there. None of their names were. In fact, OR 8 was, for the moment, empty until late afternoon. It hadn't been when she'd left last night. Last night she had been scheduled in OR 8 for 9 the next morning. This morning, 'Grey' wasn't listed anywhere on the board. Neither was her patient's name.

"Who bumped my surgery?" Meredith asked anyone who was close enough to hear her. A nearby nurse looked up from the chart she was reading. "Dr. Shepherd may have. He was at the board about an hour ago, making some corrections. You may want to check with him," she volunteered. Meredith felt her temper rising. "Thank you," she said, moving towards a stair well. "Jackass," she muttered to herself.

Abuse of power, that's what this was she decided. Derek Shepherd was still furious over her standstill operation and to punish her, he was taking away her surgery on the FAS baby. His words about experimenting, being selfish, and trying to out shine her mother ran through her head and she climbed the stairs.

"Jackass!" she spat again, her temper steadily rising with each step up the stairs she took. Her legs started burning around the fourth floor. She blamed Derek Shepherd for that too. Had he not pissed her off yet again, she would have taken the elevator to the sixth floor instead of taking on five flights of stairs. She burst out of the stairwell on the sixth floor and stopped to catch her breath before storming towards Derek's office.

"Dr. Shepherd," she stated, pushing open his door without knocking. Derek looked away from his computer. "Why is my name gone from the surgical board? I've had the surgery on the FAS baby scheduled for over a week. If you needed to bump somebody, bump your good friend Sloan. Fixing someone's nose is not as important as improving someone else's quality of life!"

"You no longer knock?" Derek asked. His comment threw Meredith. She furrowed her brow. "What?" she asked. "Knocking. It's a primitive concept. You make me knock. You should lead by example." Meredith glared at him. "We are not discussing knocking!" she snapped. "We are discussing why my name has been removed from the surgical board!" "To which there is a perfectly good explanation..." Derek started.

"Yes! There is! You're still pissed off about me doing the standstill on your nephew! Get over Dr. Shepherd. I saved that child's life." "Dr. Grey...," Derek started. "I know you're mad at the world or whatever. But you know what? Get over. Addison or whatever her name was - she died. And that sucks. But know what else sucks? Being treated like crap by you. Going from thinking you were freaking Prince Charming to thinking you are a total jerk. And something else that sucks? Being accused of trying to be better then my mother. Know what doctor Shepherd? I AM better then my mother!"

"Dr. Grey..." Derek tried again to interrupt, standing from his desk chair. But Meredith had gotten good and warmed up. She wasn't stopping to hear what he had to say. "I'm better then my mother because I have a heart! She was a cold-hearted bitch who only cared about her career. And yeah, it sucks that she's in a nursing home but you know what? But at least I don't have to fucking deal with her day in and day out anymore. I'm over the hell she put me through. You though... You haven't dealt with something that happened three years ago!"

Derek sucked in. She wasn't telling him anything that wasn't true, but that didn't mean he liked hearing it. And her mom? In a nursing home? What was she talking about? "Dr. Grey, the surgery..." Meredith still wasn't hearing anything he had to say.

"Your wife died Derek. I don't care how harsh it sounds. She died. You need to get over it. Every time something bad happens to you, you can't just up and treat anyone and everyone like crap. And you damn sure can't go and punish me because I did something GOOD. I saved your nephew and you should be grateful. Instead, you are a cold-hearted jerk who is abusing their position of power! I'm doing that surgery Dr. Shepherd, with or without your approval. The Chief already approved it. I'll go to him and have him put me back on the surgical board. And then come have a word with you!" Meredith spun on her heels and marched towards the door.

"The baby died Dr. Grey," Derek said to the back of her. Meredith stopped in her tracks. "What?" she asked, turning around slowly. "She died - this morning." "Crap," Meredith whispered. She looked at Derek. "Crap!" she said again. She rubbed her face. She'd just reamed Derek out, told him he needed to get over something traumatic, something that had been life changing. She'd told him her mother was in a nursing home and that her childhood had been hell. And she'd called him Prince Charming. Crap.

"She had a stroke," Derek offered. "She had so many health problems... Dr. Stevens and myself worked on her but there really was no chance of bringing her back." Meredith nodded. "She never had a chance," she said quietly. Derek nodded in agreement. He understood that Meredith's statement was double sided. Not only had the baby never had a chance of surviving the stroke, she'd never had a chance at a good life.

"Dr. Shepherd - I'm sorry. I just... I thought...," Meredith stammered in an attempt to apologize to Derek. "You thought," Derek interrupted, "that I had taken the surgery from you as a way to strike back at you for the standstill." "Well - yeah," Meredith confessed. She bit her lip, feeling still worse about her outburst. Derek walked around his desk and stood facing Meredith. He took a few steps closer. He wanted - needed - to apologize. Or at least begin apologizng. He couldn't make up for the things he'd said to her with just one 'I'm sorry'.

"Meredith...," Derek said softly. Meredith looked at him, surprised. He'd called her by her first name. "Meredith, I'm - sorry. I know 'sorry' doesn't begin to cover the apology I owe you, but I am - I'm sorry. I just... Harrison, he's my nephew. And you apparently know about Addison. I was upset. I said things. I did things... I'm sorry Meredith," Derek stumbled through his apology.

Meredith remained silent. Derek was being sincere. She could see it in his eyes. But he was right. 'Sorry' didn't really cover it. He didn't know just how deep his words had stung. She waited for him to say something more. She could tell he was struggling to find the right words.

Derek watched Meredith, trying to gauge her reception to his first meager attempt at an apology. He was surprised she wasn't laughing at how pathetic he was, stumbling through his words and not half explaining what he meant by them. He couldn't tell much by looking at her. He hadn't known her long but he did know that she was stubborn little piece of independence. She wouldn't leave his office without letting him know exactly what she thought of his apology.

"You saved Harrison's life. I shouldn't be having to apologize for the way I acted. I should be having to thank you over and over again. I couldn't have dealt with losing him, not after... well, anyways. I just couldn't have dealt with it. And you saved him. The standstill was the only option he had. I know that as well as you do. I really am sorry Meredith," Derek finished. 'Pathetic. Completely pathetic', he thought to himself.

"I was just doing my job, saving Harrison. I would have done the same had it been any other patient - not just your nephew," Meredith told him. Derek nodded. "I know," he said quietly, looking down at the floor. There was an uncomfortable silence. Derek waited, trying to gauge Meredith's thougts. Meredith didn't know what to say. She always had something to say but right now, she couldn't come up with a single thing that seemed fitting.

"I'm sorry too - for earlier. The accusing and telling you to get over..." Meredith trailed off, not wanting to say Addison's name. Derek shook his head. "No, don't apologize. It was a justified assumption." Meredith pursed her lips together and glanced up at Derek again. Derek reached out and took her by the elbow. "I sorry Meredith," he said again. She nodded. "I know you are. That doesn't mean my feelings aren't still hurt though," she said softly. Derek felt worse then ever. He'd rather her be livid with him then be responsible for hurting her feelings. She gently took her elbow back.

"I need to get going. I have patients and... stuff," she said. Derek nodded, and leaned against his desk, arms crossed, as he watched her leave. She stopped at the door and looked back at him.

"Derek?" she asked, timidly using his first name. "Hmm?" he asked, noticing too that she'd addressed him as Derek. "Sorry for calling you a jackass," she replied. Derek raised an eyebrow. "You didn't call me a jackass." Meredith nodded. "I did," she said with a small smile. "Twice." Derek smiled. She left his office, closing the door behind her. He returned to his seat feeling only marginally better. She wasn't angry anymore but she was hurt by what he'd said. That wasn't a comforting thought. At least they were speaking again. He could work with that.