Let It Go

66.

Derek spotted Meredith standing at the surgical board, her hands on her hips as she studied it. He smirked. She was going to kill him but he couldn't resist. It was just too easy. He crept up behind her quietly, finding it hard to keep himself from laughing and giving himself away.

"Hey!" he said, grabbing her around her waist suddenly. Meredith shrieked and jumped, dropping the chart she had in her hands. People looked at them, trying not to stare but unable to help it. The acting Chief of Surgery had just made a sneak attack on an attending. That was not exactly something they seen every day.

"Dammit Derek!" Meredith cursed. "I told you to stop doing that!" Derek laughed and bent over to pick up the chart she dropped for her. "It's fun," he said. "You'll see how fun it is when I start refusing you sex," Meredith countered. "Which reminds me, have you reconsidered my offer?" Derek asked. Meredith rolled her eyes.

"I am not having sex with you in the Chief's office!" she hissed. "Why not? And technically, it's my office. At least for the rest of this week and all of next week. We have sex in my office all the time. I don't see a problem here," Derek argued, now looking at the surgical board. "It's not your office, it's the Chief's office. That man used to change my diapers Derek Shepherd. I am NOT having sex in his office!" Derek looked over at her, a sly grin on his face. "It could be fun," he teased her. "It's dirty..." Meredith smacked his shoulder. He laughed.

Meredith returned her attention to the board, trying to figure out when she could add a surgery that afternoon. She glanced at Derek who was squinting as he studied the board. He was laughing, teasing her. That was good. Something was off with him over the last couple of days. He had seemed tired, restless. He had snuck out of bed in the middle of the night two more times since telling her the racoons were in the trash. The second time he'd told her he was just going downstairs for a midnight snack only to not come back for a good thirty minutes. Last night, he'd told her Oliver needed to go outside. Except he failed to notice that Oliver was curled up at the foot of the bed, sound asleep at his owner's feet. Something was up with him, she just wasn't sure how to ask him about it.

A flash of red hair belonging to a nurse someone called Olivia caught the corner of Derek's eye as he studied the board, debating on whether or not he was happy with it. In an instant, despite the different color of red, he was taken back in time.

"It's my Jag!" Derek argued. "It's OUR Jag!" Addison spat back. "You pay me alimony, you get the Jag. Otherwise, I'm taking it." "You can't just take the Jag! It doesn't work like that Addison! And I'll be damned if I'm paying you alimony!" Derek shot back. Their lawyers tried to interrupt but it was pointless. The couple in question hated each other, plain and simple. They'd have to let them argue it out - yet again.

"It's not like a few thousand a month is going to kill you Derek!" Addison argued. ""No, it's not. But I'm not paying you. On principle," Derek retorted. "What principle?" Addison demanded. "The one that says you're being a bitch! You don't need my money. Or my Jag!" Derek answered. "You're the one ending this marriage Derek. You don't get to play innocent!" "The end of this marriage is a mutal decision Addie! You know that!" Addison hit the table with both hands.

"Fine Derek. You won't pay the alimony, I keep the Jag. By yourself a new one with those alimony payments you won't be making!" "God you're a bitch Addie!" Derek snapped, his blood pressure rising with each passing minute he spent with his soon to be ex wife. "You bring it out in me!" Addison snapped back. She snatched up her expensive purse. "We'll pick this up at the next meeting," she told her lawyer. "Asshole," she shot at Derek before swarming out of the room, her Manolo's clicking down the hallway as she hurried to the car.

"Derek?" Derek jumped slightly. "Huh?" he asked stupidly. Meredith frowned. "You okay?" she asked him, studying him closely. "Um, yeah. Yeah. I'm fine. I just... Thinking. I was thinking." Derek stammered. Meredith's frown deepened. "You sure?" she asked. "You just seem - on edge." Derek shook his head, his chest tightening. He cursed inside his head. He had to get out of there.

"I've got to go," Derek said. "I have... Chief..." Meredith nodded. "Okay," she said. "Want to grab lunch later?" "What? Oh, um, no... I... Meetings. I have a meeting. I'll see you - this evening or something." Meredith nodded again. Of course he had a meeting. He was acting Chief. Chiefs had meetings. Richard was in more meetings then surgeries. "Okay then. I'll see you this evening or something," she echoed his thoughts. "This evening," Derek repeated, his face flushed. Meredith noticed but leaned forward for the quick kiss she'd grown accustom to him giving her when they parted ways. Instead, Derek walked off without so much as a 'goodbye' to her. She frowned as she watched him walk away, her feelings somewhat bruised.

************

Meredith checked her watch. It was a half hour past the time Derek had texted her to meet him in the lobby to head home. They'd fallen into a pattern of spending every night together as long as neither of them were working, sometimes going out to dinner before heading to either Meredith's house in town or Derek's land out in the country, other times just heading home to the couch to bum around in front of the television together.

She picked up her cell phone and called his cell. It went straight to voicemail. She sighed and ended the call before dialing his office line. Still nothing. Maybe he was in surgery. She decided to leave him a quick voicemail telling him she was going to her house and to come over when he was done. Being Chief was a lot of work. She got it if he had to stay over. Yet she still had a feeling she wasn't going to see Derek tonight. Sighing to herself, she left the hospital and headed home. Alone.

*************

Derek sat in his car and stared up at Meredith's house. He wanted to go inside. He wanted to go inside, go upstairs, take off his clothes, and fall into bed with Meredith. But it had been a bad day. The nurse with red hair had triggered something in his mind and everywhere he went, he seemed to encounter something that would send him back to Addison. It was as though he were walking through a landmind, the least little thing - a sweater, the sound of high heels clicking as their owner walked - sent him into a downward spiral. As much as he wanted to curl up with Meredith and just sleep, he knew he wouldn't be able to. His dreams wouldn't let him.

It was only Thursday. All week long he'd been plagued by sleepless nights and mild anxiety attacks. Today had been the first day of full on flashbacks. He usually didn't have those until the day of and the day before the accident. For some reason, they were happening already, six days before the anniversary. He had a feeling it was because of Meredith. He'd let himself fall in love with her. As much as he loved being in love with her, right now, his guilt over Addison and the thought that he could lose Meredith the same way he'd lost Addison kept him from being able to show her, tell her. He'd already disappointed her twice today, leaving her standing at the surgical board then not meeting her in the lobby. She'd want an apology, hear him say 'I love you'. He couldn't do it right then. He started his car again and backed out of her driveway.