Let It Go

54.

"I'm surprised you're not neckin' with Grey in an empty on call room," Mark stated as he joined Derek at a lunch table in the cafeteria. "She has the day off. She's shopping for bridesmaids dresses with Dr. Stevens," Derek answered. "And we haven't called it 'necking' since we were in what? High school?" Mark shrugged. "Neckin' Shep, neckin'. It sounds dirtier without the 'g'." Derek rolled his eyes.

"Where's Dr. Hahn?" he asked. "Still not eating out the palm of your hand?" Mark threw a potato chip at him. "Oh that's mature," Derek stated, throwing the chip back at Mark. Mark made a move to send the chip back at Derek but a hand snatched it out of his before he could launch it.

"Two of the most brilliant doctors in this hospital, sitting here, throwing food at each other. And one of you has the nerve to sit and ponder why Erica Hahn won't go out on a date with you." Mark looked over his shoulder and grinned. "Afternoon Miranda. So good to see you..." "Cut the crap Sloan. And since when did I give you permission to call me Miranda? I'm Dr. Bailey to you." "Sorry Dr. Bailey," Mark muttered. He picked up his sandwich. Derek smirked.

"Miranda, how's little Tuck doing these days? I haven't seen him since the staff picnic a few months ago," he asked, purposely using Bailey's first name. Mark looked from Derek to Bailey, waiting for Bailey to reprimand him the same way she'd done him. "He's good. He's in this nature summer camp - goes swimming and bug collecting and all sorts of weird things I'd never dream of doing. He loves it, it gives Tucker a break, so I don't complain." Mark looked from Derek to Bailey again, confused. Where was the reprimand?

"Do they teach him how to fish? Because Miranda, the boy needs to know how to fish," Derek continued. "I think so. He was going on and on about trout and perch and bass..." "Fishing is a good skill for your boy to know Miranda," Mark said, testing to see if he could get 'Miranda' past her. Bailey smacked him across the back of his head.

"Ow!" Mark winced, rubbing his head. Derek nearly choked on his tuna salad from laughing. "I told you Sloan - I'm Dr. Bailey!" "Derek called you Miranda! You didn't slap him in the head!" Mark argued. "I like Shepherd!" Bailey snapped. She threw the potato chip at Mark. It bounced off of his head and landed on the floor. Derek could hardly breathe for laughing. "Damn fool," Bailey muttered, walking off. Mark glared at Derek who was beet read now.

"Oh shut up!" Derek laughed harder. "You know, technically, I'm her boss. I've been head of my department longer then she's been head of hers," Mark continued. "Go tell her that. I dare you," Derek chortled. Mark glared at Derek. "You're a crap friend Shepherd. A total crap friend. I hope you know that." "Says the worst friend ever," Derek retorted. Derek's phone beeped. He grabbed for it. A new text message from Meredith. He read it quickly and replied, a smirk on his face.

"I'm going to guess by the stupid look on your face that that was Meredith," Mark said. "It was. We're discussing our annoying friends - mine throws chips at me, hers won't shut up about her centerpieces." Mark shook his head. "You are so far gone with that woman." His voice was torn between teasing and being amused.

"She asked me about Addison last night," Derek said suddenly. Mark looked at Derek. "She asked you about Addie?" he repeated. Derek nodded. "Well, what did you say?" "Nothing. We were in bed. I faked sleep." "So you avoided telling her anything?" Derek nodded again. Mark shook his head.

"You're going to have to talk to her about Addie sooner or later," he warned. "I plan on avoiding it until she gives up," Derek confessed. "You can't do that Shep. She's your girlfriend. You're crazy about her. Addison is a big part of your past, a part of your past that, to be honest, affects your future. If it's going to work with you and Meredith, you're going to have to tell her about Addie eventually," Mark told his best friend. Derek sighed deeply.

"I know I need to be - honest or whatever. But - it's Addie, you know? That's not something I'm keen to relive." "No one wants to relive death," Mark mused. Derek shoved what was left of his tuna salad around with his work. No, he didn't want to relive Addison's death. He didn't want to relieve any part of Addison, even the good parts.

"I dreamt about her last night," he stated. It had been nagging him all day and Mark was the only person he knew of that would understand without psychoanalyzing him. Mark listened. "I dreamt about the crash - I heard the horn, a crash. Then the scene faded to the hospital, when I was trying to bring her back. Somewhere along the way, Addison changed to Meredith. Then dad came in and pulled me off of her... I dreamt about that day the exact way it happened, but this time, Meredith became Addison after a while. It was like I lost both of them."

"Derek..." Mark didn't know what to say. He knew what he wanted to say. He wanted to say that Derek needed help, that he needed to give in and let Annie recommend him to a good psychologist. Sure, he was happier now then he'd been in years. But Mark knew him too well. Something had changed in Derek. He had fallen in love with Meredith whether he'd admitted it yet or not and that was making him face things he had buried, most importantly the guilt he felt at not being able to save her. It had also trigged a fear of losing Meredith the same way he'd lost Addie.

"Meredith is here man. She's crazy about you. Hell, I'll even go out on a limb and say she loves you. And you - you love her too, even if you haven't told her that yet. Go with that Derek. Don't let Meredith slip through your fingers because of what happened with you and Addie. You've got another shot at happiness - real happiness at that. Don't let what happened to Addie ruin that for you," Mark told his best friend.

"That's just it," Derek admitted. "I keep thinking about Addie and how she's gone and doesn't get to experience the things I'm feeling with Meredith. Then I think about how I failed at marriage, how upset she was the day she left me in the parking lot at the lawyers, how I couldn't save her. I broke her heart Mark. I don't want to do that to Meredith. I don't want to hurt her. I'm not going to make her any promises because I don't think I can keep them."

"Meredith deserves promises Derek. If you're as crazy about her as you say you are, she deserves to hear promises. Whether it's 'I'll be there at seven, promise' or 'I promise I'll always be there', she deserves to hear promises," Mark argued. Derek sighed. Mark was right. "Derek, don't let Addison be the reason you lose Meredith," Mark said sternly.

Derek's pager sounded. "Damn. 911. I'm on call tonight too. It's going to be one of those days." He stood and gathered his trash quickly. "Remember what I said Derek," Mark said pointedly. Derek nodded and walked away. From somewhere in his mind came the voice of his grandmother who had died years earlier. 'You can't change the past but you can destroy the present by worrying about the future.' He sighed as he ran to catch an elevator. At the rate he was going, he was going to re-write he's grandmother's favorite saying. By worrying about his past, he was going to destroy his present - and his future.