Let It Go

41.

"You ready for this?" Derek asked, carefully donning his surgical gloves to maintain sterility. "I am so ready," Meredith said, a tinge of excitement in her voice. She allowed a nurse to tie her gown. "Good," Derek said. He winked at her and she smiled back behind her surgical mask. He used his elbow to push a button. The sliding doors of the OR opened and he walked in, Meredith following closely behind him.

"Hello everyone. It's a beautiful day to save some lives. Let's have some fun," Derek announced to the room. He took his position at the head of the table and allowed a nurse to slid his headgear over his goggles. Meredith stood beside him, another nurse doing the same for her.

"Seriously?" she asked quietly. "What?" Derek asked. "Is that, like, your catchphrase or something?" Derek grinned behind his surgical mask. "It does have a certain ring to it," he said. He turned to a scrub nurse. "10 blade!" Meredith looked to another. "Dissector," she ordered.

******************

Several hours later, Meredith and Derek stood together, tools deep in their patient's brain. They worked simultaneously, Derek occasionally muttering instructions to her or her asking a question. Doing a surgery was never like seeing it done. She had seen this surgery as a resident, watched video of it a time or two. In the couple of hours she'd had between the time Derek had asked for her help on the surgery and actually scrubbing in she had used every spare moment between patients to research the surgery, refresh her memory. But standing there, actually performing the surgery, was amazing. She couldn't deny that it made her feel good that Derek had chosen her to assist him. Any one of the other neurosurgery attending were probably more qualified, had more experience. But he had acknowledged her stand still operation, had shown good faith in her. Even if she knew he probably did have ulterior motives for having her in surgery with him, she knew he also respected her as a fellow surgeon.

Going as far as she could, she stopped and waited for Derek to clear the way for her. She watched his skillful hands as they manipulated the instruments they held, her eyes trained on the exposed brain. The smallest of spots caught her eye. She frowned and stared at the abnormality, trying to decide if her eyes were playing ticks on her. They definitely weren't.
"Dr. Shepherd?" she asked. "Dr. Grey," Derek answered. "We have a problem." She used her eyes to show Derek what their problem was. He followed her gaze, his eyes landing on the miniscule abnormality he would have otherwise missed from his vantage point.

"Dammit!" he cursed. "Dammit!" he said again for good measure. He racked his mind for a solution. His hands and Meredith's were both fully occupied. They couldn't remove their instruments, they couldn't move to stop what was absolutely going to happen. They had to get to the aneurysm. Repairing it was the only option to saving this woman's life. Her stressed brain was about to give. "We have to work fast," Meredith's voice broke into his thoughts. "We have to speed this up or she will bleed out and die." "Speed up," Derek repeated, already speeding up his work as fast as he dared. "We can do this," Meredith muttered. "We can do this."

******************

"We did it," Derek sighed, stripping off his scrub cap. "We did it," Meredith repeated. She leaned heavily on the sink while waiting for Derek. Derek blew out a breath. "God that was close," he said wearily. Meredith studied him. He seemed to be beating himself up over something. She reached out and put her hand on his arm.

"Der, are you okay?" she asked. Derek nodded. "I'm fine," he said, not meeting her eyes. She took her hand back. "Are you fine fine or are you Meredith fine?" she asked. "Meredith fine?" Derek questioned. "I say I'm fine when I'm not fine. Fine is my word. When I say I'm fine, it usually means I'm not fine but I don't want to talk about it." Derek turned off the water and turned to lean on the sink beside Meredith.