Let It Go

24.

Derek sat at Harrison's bedside, the crayon in his hand hovering above the picture he was supposed to be coloring. He watched his nephew intently coloring a barnyard scene. Harrison chewed on his bottom lip as he concentrated on staying inside the lines. Derek felt a soft smile form on his face. It had been over a week since the accident and Harrison was doing really well. Meredith had done a good job of keeping Harrison's chart from him. He'd given up trying to get his hands on it after two days of searching high and low. What he didn't get was how the nursing staff or other doctors always had it when it was needed. Without the chart, Derek had had to rely on the medical staff to find out what was going on with his nephew. He'd stayed up to date without having to trade a word with Meredith. They had been existing in silence, something almost impossible to do in his position of Head of Neurosurgery.

He knew his anger with her was misplaced and slowly, it had started subsiding. It had been replaced however by guilt and shame. He had treated her harshly and had said things - bad things. He had doubted her skills when everything she had done had shown him that she was an excellent surgeon, possibly better then some of those who had been on staff for ages but who had fallen behind on some of the advances made in recent years.

Now he was avoiding her. He had been avoiding her before, but only to keep himself from exploding again and farther angering his family who still weren't too pleased with his behavior towards her. Now he was avoiding her because he had no idea what to say to her, how to explain why he had reacted the way he had. He really didn't have a good excuse aside from the fact that he was messed up inside. He had done a good job of masking it, especially since moving back to Virginia to work and be near his family, but he knew he was totally screwed up. He had thought maybe Meredith could change that. He had felt something for her, had been happier in the few days they'd been on speaking terms then he had been in a while. Regardless of what he'd felt, he knew he had successful ruined any chance he may have had with Meredith.

"Who you gonna give your picture to Uncle Deek?" Harrison asked, not once looking away from his coloring. "What?" Derek ask, snapping out of his thoughts. "Who you gonna give your picture to?" he asked again. "Oh I don't know...," Derek ventured. "Maybe you can keep it?" Harrison shook his head no. "You gots to give it to someone else. I can color my own." Derek nodded. "Who do you recommended then?" Harrison shrugged. "I'm gonna give mine to Merif," he said proudly. Derek felt his insides squirm at the mention of Meredith's name.

"Hey Uncle Deek, you should give yours to Merif too. She's real nice. She brings me ice cream lots of times," Harrison said. Derek searched his head for an answer that wasn't 'Merif hates me'. He decided coming up with a lie to tell a three year old shouldn't be that hard. But then again, Harrison was too smart for his own good.

"Meredith... She doesn't... Maybe I'll give mine to your brother? What do you think?" Derek stumbled. Harrison shook his head no. "That baby don't have a name yet. You can't be real if you ain't got a name," he said seriously. Derek smiled and both what his nephew had just said and at his three year old grammar.

"You know H, your brother is very real, even if he doesn't have a name yet," he tried to explain. Harrison shook his head no. "Nope. Mama said he'd be here in August 'cause that's when he'd be ready. It's not August. It's June - Big Bird said so on TV dis morning. So he came early. He's not real until August." "I thought he wasn't real because he doesn't have a name yet?" Derek questioned. "He will be real when they give him a name AND August comes," Harrison said. "Okay then," Derek relented. He'd let his sister talk her son through this one. He had no idea where Harrison's line of thought was coming from.

"Uncle Deek can I go home?" Harrison asked, putting down his crayon and leaning back against the hospital bed. Derek smiled at his nephew. "Not yet buddy. I know you feel like you've been here forever, but you had a big surgery. The doctors have to be extra careful, make sure you're all better before you go home."