18 Years of God Damn Bullshit: A Memoir

I Remember Calling Strangers on Her Bed

((TW:// medication overdose, sexual trauma mention, homelessness))

We were bored teenagers, and I was homeless and having an extended sleepover

They said I could stay, a promise they later recanted

I drank all the robitussin they had

After she fell asleep, and I was about to, I closed my eyes to see the vastness of colors that would await me for the next few days

It was like rubbing your eyes, but more vivid

Like memories from your childhood

Like dreaming awake

It could be fun in that space

But I became separate from my body

When I walked, it was as if I was only a puppet master pulling the strings of a marionette

One. step. in. front. of. the. other.

Until I collapsed again on my cot on the floor

It was a strange room of strobe lights and deep thinking

Until it began to reflect on the back ends of my mind

I remember how he-

Open my eyes

Phone in hand, scrolling scrolling

Talking to more strangers online

Searching for company and free drugs, even if it meant enduring sex with them

It’s disgusting how many fake relationships I’ve had just to hear another voice on the end of the line

I was making up for lost time

I hadn’t missed much

“I should sleep”

Every time I tried I would remember the moments

Exactly as they were

They were not memories

They were lives I have lived

I remembered dying in those moments and being reborn a second later to repeat it until it was over

My lives were in seconds

Blinks

I fell in love that night

Talking to a stranger from England

Never understood another like we did each other that night

I had “friends” in Texas, Florida, California, and all across the states

Apparently lonely people find each other when they look so hard

I’d never respected anyone who wanted to get with me

Why would I?

I think it funny how I searched for their company back then

But then again, they’re so easy

Like turning on the tap

To be fair, I was just as easy