18 Years of God Damn Bullshit: A Memoir

Missing Files

((TW// Dysphoria, Internalized transphobia, Body parts mention))

February 13, 2020
((condensed))

I think about it again. My want for a [genitals]. Is it nature or nurture? Do I really want one?

If not, why do I desire to so strongly?

Is it just the connotation I have with being female?

Would I hate having a [genitals] if I really had one?

Would I keep my chest the way it is?

I keep wanting to stuff myself into boxes.

What if I'm not trans?

But what if I am?

Am I something in between?

Which group of people do I sound like I identify with more?

Am I afraid of my own doubt, or the persecution it recieves?

It's okay to be gay now, but go near transgender and you're crazy!

I want to look like a guy

Maybe I should get a binder

Do people like me exist?

[Me], I'd like to ask you something

Something I think I'll never say out loud

Can I be a boy?

Or maybe just something in between?

February 17, 2020
((condensed))

I feel not normal.

Every time I look at guys it's out of jealousy.

I wish I had guy legs

I wish I had a guy's abs

I wish my name wasn't some stupid girl's name

I wish I had a guy's voice

I wish I had a guy's jawline

Am I feminine?

Because I like pink and doing makeup sometimes

My room is girly in a tom-boyish kind of way

Am I just a bi, masculine female?

Why do I wish I had a [genitals] so bad?

Why do I wish I was a guy?

Is it me, or is it what I wish I wanted?

Do I just want these things to stop being sexualized or taken for granted?

Or is there something more?