It all went downhill (boyxboy)

Part 10- Transparent bed

Zero POV

"I love you for God's sake don't you get that. I've loved you ever since we've met." those words echoed through my head as I tried to analyze what it means.

I laid down in bed as the darkness consumes my room and my mind. My eyes adjusted to the lack of light allowing me to stare at my hypnotizing fan as it spins in circles. He said he loves me. He means in a platonic way right? I mean everyone loves their best friend. I've known him for at least 5 years so of course, he loves me. It would be foolish for me to think that just cause he says he loves me means that he loves me as I do him. Like how I dream about kissing him, hugging him, loving him, dating him, and even cringey romantic things I see couples do on tv.

I hate to admit this but I've had fantasies of being with him even before the accident. The first time I noticed my weird feelings for him we were in the 7th grade. We went to this birthday party together and they were playing spin the bottle.

We sat with a group of people in a circle with a Coca-Cola bottle in the middle. Random girls and boys spun the bottle and every time it landed on somebody we all cheered and got excited.

If it lands on you and you didn't want to go it was fine since some of the guys had it land on their other guy friends and you know how middle school boys get.

When it was Benji's turn to spin the bottle lots of the girls got excited because most of them had a crush on him. He spun the bottle with confidence and it landed on this girl named Bailey.

Bailey was a nice girl and no one had beef with her. We all cheered as usual as they both went to the middle of the circle to kiss one another.

As soon as I saw Benji's lips meet hers I instantly got this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. I didn't even have this bizarre feeling when this girl named Olivia which I had a major crush on at that time kissed one of the other guys that were there.

I was so confused as to why I felt like that. It was a feeling of jealousy mixed with envy. I wanted to be her. I wanted to be the one that was kissing Benji.

I didn't know what to do, so out of fear from my own thoughts and feelings I quickly got up and walked out of the room as fast as possible.

Later on, Benji asked me why I left the game and I just made up a dumb excused that I can't even remember. I guess it was good enough cause he let it go and later that day I was left with my confused mind.

I managed to convince myself that it was nothing and that I was just overreacting but deep down I knew I was lying to myself.

"Zero are you awake?" I got pulled out of the flashback I was having as my now opened door allowed light to seep into my room."Yes," I replied noticing that it was my stepdads worried voice as I jumped up to see him standing outside my door with a worried expression all over his face. "Hey, son uh-do you know where I placed my ring at."

"Um...no I don't." I said as I got out of bed trying to help him look for it, also feeling relieved that he was sober. I guess I'm getting over the situation with him touching me that night, mostly cause he's been acting like a loving father lately. I still get nightmares about that night but I'm just ignoring it, even though I know that doing that isn't good.

We searched for his ring for what seemed like hours. The ring was the one that he got when he married my mom. I remember that day so clearly. My mom had on the most beautiful white wedding dress ever. It was flowy and it even had a corset at the top. I was 6 years old when my mom finally married my stepdad but I still remember everything in great detail. My sister Zoe wasn't born yet, of course, so the flower girls were my little cousins who were 5 at the time.

They were twins. One was named Amelia and the other was named Amelda all I could really remember about them was that they were both very annoying and we didn't really get along.

They were the daughters of my uncle. I haven't seen them in years, I wonder how they've been. The last time I saw them my uncle and his wife were arguing with my mother and stepdad about something. I don't know what it was about but it must have been serious for them to literally stop talking for years.

I guess they're never going to talk again since it's too late. They didn't even get to meet Zoe.

I started to feel a sting in my eyes warning me that I was about to cry, but I tried my hardest to hold it back. We looked through the entire basement, ground floor, and upstairs and it was nowhere to be found.

"You can stop looking now." I heard my stepdad say with a tremble in his voice. I turned to look at him and he was sitting on the steps with his head in his hand. He looked so defeated and sad.

"No, it has to be here somewhere." I said as I turned back around still trying to find it. I knew finding it would help him feel better and I hate to see people sad. He looked like how I feel and I don't ever want anyone to ever feel like how I've been feeling lately. Defeated, broken, miserable, the whole shabang.

"You're not going to find it. I must have dropped it somewhere at a bar or something. That's what I get for drinking so much." I turned to look at him once again and before I could stop myself I asked him a question I was dying to know.

"Do you remember things once you're drunk? I know some people blackout when they drink too much so do you?" I knew the answer. I knew that he blacked out when he drinks, or at least I was hoping that he does.

I wanted to hear him say it. I wanted to know that I wasn't stupid and making up excuses for him. I figured that since he already touched me, it would be much more comforting to know that he wasn't aware that he did it. That he isn't completely a sick man, but instead he's just a hurt man trying to numb his pain. I can then try to prevent him from drinking so that he could remain the loving stepdad that I know he is.

"Yes, I do." He paused for about a minute and then proceed in saying, "Recently I find myself waking up in strange places, not knowing what happened the night before. God, what a terrible example I'm setting for you. Your mom's going to be so proud." He said as he signed, obviously being sarcastic with the last sentence he uttered.

I felt a bit at ease knowing that he was unaware of what he did to me. I still felt this looming darkness in my heart. It felt like it was unshakable, but at least I know that all I have to do is prevent him from drinking or at least over drinking. Plus, he seemed like he regrets making himself intoxicated, so it can't possibly be that hard. I felt as if part of my problem was solved.

I walked towards the stairs and set next to him. He looked like he was trying hard not to cry. "The funeral is in two weeks." He revealed trying to keep his composure. I didn't reply to him but instead, we just sat there in silence.

I knew we had to bury them soon, so I wasn't in shock. I mean I think that burying them might be some type of closure I could have with them, but at the same time, it reminded me that I will never see them again. They are gone and that's permanent.

"Let's play monopoly." I blurted, trying to distract both of us with the first thing that popped in my mind before we both start crying like babies.

"It's midnight and you have school in the morning." "One round isn't going to kill anybody, come on are you afraid you're going to lose to me." I teased him, not wanting to have to go back to bed because my bed feels transparent. Every time I lay on it all my thoughts and problems that I push away during the day revels themselves. My bed is like a glass door that sees into my soul reminding me of how fucked up I've gotten.

Whether it's me analyzing my fucked up life or after I've already fallen asleep and my unconscious mind searches through my brain to find painful memory that I would much rather neglect.

"Sorry son, not today." he said as he walked up the stairs to go back into his room. I sighed, accepting the fact that I have to go back into my transparent bed.

I struggled to fall asleep that night. I was awake laying on my bed until I noticed the sun coming up. I think my brain hates me.

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Authors Note

Finally at chapter 10, I don't know why but I kind of feel like it's an accomplishment. Anyway I have nothing else to say. Bye bye my loves. 🥰