It all went downhill (boyxboy)

Part 20- He's like a brother to me

Zero POV

It's midnight and I'm currently laying in bed with Benji. I'm cuddled up onto him enjoying the warmth his body offered. We have school tomorrow so we're trying to go to sleep earlier than usual.

I'm struggling to go to sleep as usual and to be honest, I don't know if I want to. It would be really bad if I have that nightmare again, especially since Benji is here.

I don't want him to worry any more than I already make him. I can feel the rise and fall of his chest and the subtle snoring, which weirdly makes me feel safe.

I still have this feeling of dread and self loath but I can mask the feeling with this false sense of happiness.

Don't get me wrong I'm happy Benji is my boyfriend it's just that I still have a shit ton of other issues that I have no idea how I'm going to fix.

I can't stay in Benjis house forever, and I'm way too scared to go back to mine.

What if he does it again? Will I fight back? Will I scream loader this time in hopes that someone will come and help me?

I don't know what I would do and that alone makes me horrified. I pinched myself as a way to force myself to stop thinking about that, but also as a way to soothe my nerves a bit.

This method of hurting myself physically to help my mental self is kind of ironic.

I know it's a bad coping mechanism and when my life was normal when my mom and sister were still alive when my stepdad didn't rape me and call me a f*g, I would have never done such harmful things to myself.

But now my life has become such a shit show that hurting myself helps me feel better. Helps numb the pain going on in my head. Helps makes me momentarily forget about my shattered heart.

I'm constantly hurting so much that even five seconds of relief is worth any scare that I might gain from getting a break.

I'm hurting so much that death sounds like a warm hug. The thought of it makes me feel like my favorite comfort song is being played on the radio while my grandma bakes me cookies. The grandma that I never really had.

I try shaking the thoughts out of my head. They make me want to tear up and I'm sick of feeling pathetic.

I turn around leaving the comfort of Benji's chest. I need to try to go to sleep and I don't want to squish him all night long.

I don't know if this makes sense or not but I'm so sleepy that I'm not sleepy anymore. I can't really explain it like I really do want to go to sleep and I know I'm exhausted but I can't seem to shut off my brain.

———
It feels like I've been laying in this bed for hours, twisting and turning every second. Benji is still sound asleep and for that I envy him.

I sat up rubbing my eyes. I don't know what to do to help me sleep and laying here is driving me crazy. I got up, deciding that maybe going for a quick run could help a bit.

I tried to be discreet as possible. I got out of the bed making sure not to wake up Benji. I walked down the creaking stairs that sounds like their yelling at me with every gentle step I made.

Benji's dad got home a couple of hours earlier not even surprised to see me. I could tell he was really tired, honestly, he works way too much.

Benji told me that ever since his dad found out that his mom was cheating on him he started letting his work consume him. Working countless hours to the point where all he does is work.

I remember when Benji told me that he was really sad. He felt like his family was abandoning him and I remember how he looked when he told me I was the only one that cared about him. How his eyes were glossed over and red from all the crying when he told me I was his favorite person.