Never again (Quinntana)

Chapter 53 - Make up, make out

Brittany and Santana, by a tacit agreement, hadn't talked about what happened between them. 

Their relationship hadn't changed, either. Santana was too focused on getting her life back on track. Quinn was still avoiding her, and guilt was eating her up.  

The only thing that would resolve the situation would be to try and apologize to Quinn. But somehow Santana was scared of being vulnerable in front of Quinn once again. 

***

Cheerleading practice was ending, and Santana spotted Quinn packing her things without looking back, skipping the shower as she had been doing for the past few weeks. It seemed their fight three weeks ago had made Quinn self-conscious again, and Santana hated herself for it.

Quinn deserved an apology. She deserved to know that those things Santana had said weren't true. That they had never been true.

"Lucy Caboosey". How could I even say that? Pathetic. Worthless. All the things that Lucy isn't. Yet why did it feel so liberating to throw these words at her? 

Quinn pushed the door of the gym, exiting the building almost hurriedly. 

Santana raced for the exit, afraid Quinn would get away before she could catch up. She pushed the door open, running after Quinn who was already a few dozen meters away.

As sort of panic came over Santana as she watched Quinn go. She heard herlself shout Quinn's name. "Quinn. Quinn! Quinn."

Quinn slowed down and Santana caught up. 

Quinn turned to face her, then frowned and almost turned back.

"Quinn."

"Santana." Quinn was not quite facing her, as if she hadn't decided yet if she wanted the conversation to happen. It seemed she was still considering walking away.

Santana bit her lip.

"I'm sorry, Quinn."

Quinn turned to face her former friend, a sharp look in her eyes. "What for, Santana? All of it was true."

"No, I- It wasn't true. None of it was true, and I didn't mean it, Quinn. What I said- I didn't mean a word of it."

Quinn smiled a sad, unconvinced smile. "It's okay. I shouldn't have said what I said either. So I guess we're even, huh?"

She took off again. One purposeful stride.

"Quinn. Quinn." Another stride. Sanatan's chances of apologizing were getting further and further away. "Lucy!" Quinn froze. "Please wait", Santana whispered.

Quinn turned to face Santana again. Her usually composed face let the hurt shine through. Santana had never seen Quinn look so vulnerable. 

"You knew." Quinn stated, and her gaze wasn't even accusatory. Just defeated. "You knew how much it would hurt me."

Santana shook her head slowly. "I didn't." 

She caught Quinn's look of disbelief. "I didn't know, Luce." Quinn shivered. 

"I was-" Santana swallowed. "I was just hoping it would."

Quinn laughed bitterly, out loud. "That's even better, isn't it?"

"No- No, I-"

"Save it, Santana." Quinn adjusted her bag on her shoulder, turning to leave.

"You left me, Lucy! You promised you would never leave me and yet you- you dumped me without a word. You leaving-"

Quinn was frozen in place, her back to Santana.

"You leaving broke me, Quinn", Santana murmured. "It broke me more than anything ever had. It tore me to pieces. And I'm still not done picking them up." Tears were streaming freely on Santana's cheeks. "You never realized what you meant to me, did you?"

Santana sniffed and Quinn turned to face her. Quinn's eyes seemed glossy when she answered. "I- I thought you could move on."

"That worked out so well, didn't it?"

"Santana, I never knew- I never would have-"

"You promised not to leave me! You promised and yet you didn't even warn me before you did."

A single tear rolled down Quinn's cheek.

"You didn't even wait for me to get out of the hospital." Santana shook her head at the memory.

"Don't you get it, San? Don't you get it? I couldn't."

"Oh, you couldn't, huh? I had gotten hurt defending you! And yet you couldn't even-"

"I know." Quinn relented. "I know." she repeated. "And that's exactly why I left."

"You're not making sense, Quinn."

"You got hurt. Defending me. It was my fault. I was the reason you always got hurt."

"No, you weren't-" Quinn held up her hand.

"I was. And every bruise on your skin felt like a branding on mine. Every scratch on your perfect face, like somebody was tearing my heart apart. Every fight you got into for me, broke me further than the bullies ever could have. I could never- I could never bear the thought of seeing you hurt. I had to leave, Santana. That had to stop."

Santana stayed silent, her hands gripping the strap of her bag.

"I thought you could move on. That if I didn't tell you where I was, if, for once, I wasn't there sucking up your time, you'd forget me easily. That you'd finally have the life you deserved."

"I did. Get the life I deserved. Pain and misery. Betrayal and longing. Yearning and nightmares."

"No- San- I thought you'd be happier without me. That you'd finally be free. Safe from injury, safe from social stigma. Free from me. It was only a matter of time before you got bored of me-"

"I worshipped you, Luce. I loved you, like I had never loved anyone, and you-"

"You didn't deserve to deal with my mess."

"Stupid, stupid Lucy. I wanted to deal with your mess."

"I know." Santana took one step towards Quinn. Quinn didn't move.

"I hate you for what you did."

"I know." Another step.

"I hate you, Quinn."

"I kno-" Santana's soft lips silenced the end of Quinn's sentence. 

Quinn felt her body reciprocate immediately, hungrily. Almost desperately. The kiss lasted until they were out of breath. Quinn pulled away.

Santana's face was still inches from hers, and Quinn couldn't help the feeling of pure bliss that engulfed her. Nor could she help the wave of panic that hit her immediately as she realised who she had been kissing.

Her mind went into overdrive. Mechanically, she took a step back. Looked at Santana evasively. Then heard herself say, in a haze. "I can't. I'm sorry. I can't." She felt her body move in the opposite direction. Her legs start to run. She didn't allow herself to think. Didn't dare to look back. 

***

A.N.

Hi,

I'm back. Hope you enjoy this chapter. We're nearing the end - and a more structured edit.

Cheers,

Alya