Flowers, Fame and Unforeseen Facades

Chapter 8

Purple Hyacinth: Sorrow
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Levi's POV

Watching Zoe's back as she walked out, I found it extremely hard to restrain myself from grabbing her by the arm, and telling her how sorry I was. I could clearly see her confused, but sad eyes before she had walked out. She obviously thought that I didn't want her as a friend anymore, which was far from the truth, but it would be better if she felt that way.

Over the time that I had known Zoe, I had found out that she was extremely shy, insanely cute and sensitive. The most subtle compliment could leave her blushing, and the most unnoticeable bad thing could leave her sad. Unfortunately, this made the situation even more horrible than it already was. But I was willing to do anything to keep her safe. And she would be most safe if she wasn't with me.

Before you jump to conclusions, no, I'm not a gang leader. My problem is worse than that, because it cannot be solved. No matter how hard I try, I will stay the way that I am forever. I'd already hurt so many people, I didn't want to include Zoe in the list. She was important to me, and not just as a friend. She was the first girl who I actually started to have feelings for.

As soon as I walked into her flower shop for the first time, and saw her beautiful eyes and smile, I felt my heart feeling light inside of my chest. Like it was giving me a signal that she was meant to be with me. But I knew that even if it was meant to be, she could never be with someone like me. I had too much baggage, and was still adding to it.

I was not the superstar that people knew me as. Nor was I the person that Zoe had seen. My problems were too much to handle for anyone, and I didn't want to be a burden on someone as beautiful, compassionate and kind hearted as Zoe. She was the first person who had seen past my hoodie, or superstar persona, and found a little bit of the real me. But the horrifying part was that the part that she had found was the only one that was even remotely nice.

I was filled with memories and thoughts that I called demons. Demons of my past, and demons of what was to come. A guy like me could never make someone happy. The real side of me was unloved, unwanted and uncontrollable. There was only one person in this world who knew the real side of me, and had managed to love me for who I was. The rest either left, or didn't like me.

I would rather let Zoe leave me than let her see the monster that I truly was. I couldn't bear to see her disappointed face when I told her why I had to let her go. Over the small period of time that I had gotten to know her, she had quickly become very important to me. I couldn't lose her like the rest. She deserved someone better. Someone who could make her smile, laugh and bring out the happiest emotions within her.

I couldn't do that, and I didn't want her to live a life that wasn't as promising and happy as she deserved. Her kindness and empathy was beautiful. I had seen her in the shop, giving out free flowers to people who were mourning. I had seen her happiness and excitement when she helped someone buy flowers for their loved ones, reciting the meanings of each one happily and wholeheartedly. I had seen the joy that made her face light up when a poor or homeless man on the streets showed gratitude after receiving a gift from her.

She was too good for me, and I could never live up to the standards that she should have set. She was willing to help everything and everyone, whereas I was the one who brought sorrow to everyone. I didn't want her to be part of the people who had been hurt by me, which I was bound to do, whether I liked it or not. My destiny was set in stone, and I was sure to destroy anyone who came in my life, whether they wanted war or love.

My illness stopped me from doing so. It stopped me from living like a normal human being, and didn't allow me to love or cherish people. The only person who did love me was probably holding on by a thread. He was my best friend since childhood, which was probably the only reason that he still hung out with me. After all, no one would want to hang out with a destructive psycho, which was exactly what I was. And all because of the  illness that was chained to me forever. The burden that I was to carry with myself for life. The one thing that I could not get rid of.

My biggest wish was to relieve myself of it. It was the lock to my chains, and could never be broken. It was the bane of my problems, and forever held me captive. It tore me apart from everyone that I'd ever loved, and I wanted to tear myself away from Zoe before it could strike again, and do it in a way that I would never want her to experience. The disorder that had claimed my freedom and life.

Intermittent Explosive Disorder.

Well, one of his secrets is out. Yes, I said one. There's more to come. Anyways, for the people that don't know what Intermittent Explosive Order is, it's a disorder which causes people to have extreme anger outbursts. It can elevate to violence pretty easily for some people. It is usually caused by a traumatic past. If you want to learn more about it, please search it up. Thank you so much for reading! Love you guys! Peace out!