Too far gone to pray

Chapter ten

⚠️Trigger warning self harm and suicide attempt, please be careful when reading.

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Louis' POV (Before Harry kissed him)

The party was great, it was the first one he had ever been to. He was terrified that he was going to be caught, but the risk is worth the reward right. That's what he hoped at least. He would be dead if his father found out he snuck out to go to a party.

His father thought that parties distracted people from prayer, and it was a step on the way to hell. His father really told him that once when he asked to go to a birthday party. He never was able to do anything at all.

Being at the party was scary. Not only because he was terrified of his father, but also because there were so many people. He hated being around people because he was afraid of slipping up and saying or doing something wrong.

He knew he shouldn't have drunk anything, but he did. He should have resisted the temptation, but he has never been particularly good at that. He was definitely going to have to repent about partying later. He was sinning so much, but he was actually not that bothered by it. He was just so tired of being controlled by a puppet. He wanted to cut the controlling strings, but he couldn't, he was stuck. Everything he had worked on at camp was coming undone, but he could bother to care right now.

He was dancing with Harry on the dance floor. Harry looked gorgeous with his curly hair whipping around. He cursed himself for his sinful thoughts. He shouldn't think like this, it's wrong, he's all wrong. He couldn't help but feel a longing feeling towards Harry. He tried to fight it, and he tried to ignore it, but it came back. After camp he should be fixed, but he wasn't.

As they were dancing Harry kept inching closer to him. He should back away, he should yell at Harry, but he didn't he stayed frozen in place. Harry got closer and closer until their lips brushed together. Harrys lips were soft, and the kiss was sweet. The kiss wasn't long, but it felt like electricity was coursing through him.

He didn't back away, he should have backed away right away, but he didn't. He backed away from the kiss and starred at Harry in horror, shame, and fear. He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. What did he just do? Why couldn't he just back away.

Everything that he worked for was falling apart at the seams. He shouldn't have come to the party, parties lead to sin, he just sinned. He was going to hell; he was definitely going to hell. His father's, the priests, and the people at camp's words were running through his mind. 'Abomination', 'the devil's temptation', 'freak', 'sinner'.

"I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done that" Harry apologized.

He didn't know why he let Harry kiss him. He shouldn't have, he was taught not to. He worked so hard to be fixed, why didn't it work? Why couldn't he do one simple thing? Stay away from boys. Do not lead into temptation. His mind was going a million miles a minute trying to find an excuse for this mess.

The only thing that he could think of that was an excuse for his actions was alcohol. Alcohol had to be the reason he was not acting correctly alcohol impairs your decision making, that had to be the reason for this.

"We are drunk, yeah drunk, it was an accident" he rambled.

Deep in his heart he knew he wasn't that drunk. It was an accident though and it should have never happened. God probably hated him now, and he was doomed to an eternity in the fiery pits of hell.

"I'm so sorry, can we forget about this" Harry said.

He couldn't think straight, so much was going on. He didn't know what to do. He didn't want to have to go back to camp, but he wasn't fixed. He wasn't cured. He wasn't purged of his impure thoughts. He was as broken and mess as he was before he went to camp. He was supposed to be fixed, and everything was supposed to be right with the world again. But it wasn't, he was worse. He just did something lustful with a boy. A boy! He needed to leave, he needed to be fixed.