God, I hate You

56

my eyes fluttered open to the sound of a heart rate monitor beeping slowly, i frowned to myself and attempted to sit up before being tugged down gently by the tubes which were attached into my arms.
"hello!" i shouted, my voice was hoarse and scratchy, it sounded as if i hadn't drank anything in weeks.
"hello" i shouted again, this time my shout came out more like a pathetic whisper. my breathing rate increased as panic flooded through my body, before i completely lost it, tony walked in.

"holy shit you're awake" he breathed out, before turning back around and walking out. i frowned at the sudden dismissal, my lip beginning to quiver as i imagined him not coming back. before i could scream the building down, the whole team barged into the room. their eyes teary and smiles spread over their faces.
"y/n! thank god" pietro shouted, speeding to my side and taking my hand in his. his calloused thumb smoothing over the top of my hand as i stared at them all.
"why the hell am i here?" i asked, looking around at the hospital room.
"you don't remember?" nat asked gently, taking a seat on the edge of the bed, wanda sat on the other side, her hand wiping the stray hairs off my face.
"am i dead?" i asked, staring down at the hospital gown. a few chuckles echoed around the room at my idiotic statement. bucky was nowhere to be seen, which hurt my feelings slightly.

i talked with everyone for a while, a few of them left the room. leaving nat and pietro with me,
"where is he? i need to tell him yes" i chuckled, staring around, waiting for bucky to suddenly run through the door. the door opened and a smile stretched on my face but dropped slightly when steve walked in.
"you don't remember what happened?" nat asked gently, chewing on her bottom lip. my smile disappeared and i shrugged,
"we were on a mission and he..he asked me to marry him" i replied.
"oh y/n" nat breathed out, her breaths shaky.
"where is he?" i asked steve, staring up at him.
"y/n, you both-you both got hit whilst he was asking you" steve said, clearing his throat.
"can you not wheel me to his room?" i asked, panic rising in my chest.
"buck..buck didn't..he didn't..oh my god" steve spoke, his breaths ragged. he put his head in his hands, shaking slightly underneath.
"yeah okay this has happened before and it's not funny" i said, a smirk on my face.
"it's not a joke this time" steve swallowed, kneeling beside me. i stared at them all, the sincerity in their eyes telling me the thing i didn't want to hear.
the truth. that he was gone.

my breathing started to increase, as did my panic. tears filled my eyes as i struggled to breathe, gripping onto the thin sheets.
"breathe y/n, breathe" pietro instructed. attempting to grab my hands to calm me down. my words were caught in my throat.

i was unable to speak. unable to think. unable to fucking breathe.

the last thing i saw, was everyone running in, doctors and nurses in front of them, attempting to calm me down as my heart rate increased rapidly, sending the ecg into a frenzy. they injected something into me and my eyes drooped, sending me spiralling into a pool of darkness.

a few days later

rain pelted down around me, the only thing keeping me dry was the umbrella held above my head. my black heels coated in rain as i stared down at the grave of my true love. the past few days have been terrible, denial lasted for two days until i finally realised that he hadn't made it. i walked towards the front, standing in front of everyone as i cleared my throat to make my speech. before he has been placed in his casket, i looked at his beautiful face, kissing my index and middle finger before placing it on his cheek, his wrist still held the bracelet i had made him months ago.

"god where do i start? i miss him." i spoke into the mic, tears filling in my eyes as i struggled to speak. steve stood beside me, his hand on my back, letting me know that i could leave at anytime.
"bucky and i, we've been through a lot for a pair who have only known each other for less than two years. i hated him at the beginning, i'm sure the majority of you remember that. but after a while, i realised who he really was.
the man who could make me smile with a few words, the man who would bring me flowers just to cheer me up, the man who would dance with me in front of everyone. not afraid to be embarrassed.
you know, i wish we had both had the same fate, the two of us making it or the two of us not. but clearly, life doesn't work like that and jesus christ i wish it did because i really really miss him.
james proposed to me and my biggest regret is not giving him an answer, an answer that could've stopped this. he is an incredible man, too good for the world .." my speech ended because i couldn't get any more words out. steve nodded at me, tears streaming down his face.

after the funeral, everyone was a mess. they walked to the car, i excused myself and walked towards buckys grave. my knees shaking with every step.
his grave stone was beautiful, tony had paid a fortune for it and i did too, it read,
james buchanan-barnes
fiancé to y/n y/l/n
dear friend of steve rogers
beloved team mate
1917-2023
i squatted down in front of it, setting a bouquet of flowers on the soil. i lay a hand on top of the damp soil, biting down on my lip and squeezing my eyes shut as the tears seeped down my cheeks.
"i wish you were here buck, i love you so so much" i breathed out.

before standing up, i ran my hand over it and gave the ground a gentle smile.
"by the way my love, my answer's yes".

a/n:
shed a few tears writing this but,
thank you so so much for reading this book! im sure this wasn't the ending that everyone was waiting for and i apologise for that.
an alternative (much happier) ending will be posted soon!
again, a big thank you to you all and i hope you enjoyed my story <3