God, I hate You

45

i stared at him, my eyebrows furrowing. bucky stood clutching the flowers, a strange look on his face. i leaned against the doorframe,
"need something barnes?" i asked, he shuffled on his feet before handing me the flowers, a clump of colourful tulips, probably picked from someone's garden. i looked down at the flowers in my hand, which were slightly limp from bucky's grip on them. trying not to smile, i looked back up at him.
"wanna go on a walk?" he asked, nodding behind him. he had a coat on, with a cap. sighing, i scratched the top of my head,
"look it's late and you're honestly the last person i wanted to see tonight" i said quietly as i checked the time on my phone, trying not to wake loki. bucky nodded slowly as i closed the door on him.

not even five seconds had passed since i had closed the door, before i opened it again. bucky was standing in his doorway, back turned to me. he span around at the sound of my door opening and a smile played on his lips when he saw me standing there with my jacket on.
"change your mind?" he teased. i narrowed my eyes at him and he quickly shut his mouth.
"come on then" i sighed, walking towards the lift, he followed quietly behind me. the lift down was awkward to say the least, he stood there like a stick whilst i looked around, pretending as if i had never been in a lift before.

we walked through the city, which was still bustling with people. he hadn't said a word and neither had i. the two of us walked, a big gap between us. my eyes were glued to the surroundings, not daring to look at him.
"so why did you want to go on a walk?" i asked, slowing down slightly so that he could catch up with me. he cautiously stood a little closer, his hand rubbing at his metal arm which was hidden under his coat.
"i don't know" he muttered, shrugging slightly. i audibly sighed,
"don't give me that shit barnes" i huffed, my patience wearing out. bucky went quiet, but just as i was about to complain again, he began to speak.
"so how are things with..whatever the hell is name is?" he asked, staring intently at me.

i raised an eyebrow at him,
"his name's christian and good i guess" i shrugged, he let out a quick breath before nodding, his pace quickening,
"that's good then y/n, i'm very happy for you" he blabbered. i snorted to myself before catching up with him,
"what exactly is your problem with loki by the way? you weren't showing much hospitality the other night" i asked, looking up at him. bucky rolled his eyes, clearly not wanting to talk about loki.
"i just, i don't trust him" he murmured, looking around. i sighed loudly,
"well, i trust him" i replied.
"i just don't see why he can't stay in a spare room, instead of sharing with you" he huffed. i audibly scoffed,
"jesus christ, you're so childish" i chuckled, shaking my head as i began walking ahead of him.

he jogged up to me, his shoulder brushing against mine.
"not being childish" he stated. i ignored him and kept walking, the cold air pinching at my hands.
"so are you and christian..a thing?" he asked quietly as if the question was illegal. i shrugged,
"don't think so, well not yet" i replied,
"i don't trust him, he has a bad.." bucky began saying, not knowing what to say at the end so he just waved his hands about.
"you don't trust anyone who's close to me" i murmured. he shrugged before halting to a stop,
"if i get you food, will you forgive me?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. i broke into a small smile before nodding,
"most definitely" i replied as i followed him to a small restaurant which sat across the road.

we sat in there for around thirty minutes, eating our meals. small talk was exchanged between us, mostly about stupid things.
"did you have a girlfriend back then?" i asked, setting my fork down and taking a sip of water. his cheeks tinted pink as he rubbed the back of his neck,
"steve said i was quite the charmer back then" he smirked. i raised my eyebrows at him,
"what happened to all the charm?" i asked, trying to wind him up.
"oh haha" he said sarcastically. i laughed to myself, shaking my head. a few hours ago i tried to stab this man but here i was hanging out with him. i looked back up to see him smiling softly at me.

after paying the bill, we made our way back out. walking slowly beside each other, both of us stuffed from eating all that food.
"do you think mermaids are real?" i asked him, brushing my shoulder against his. he tilted his head to the side,
"anything's real in this world" he replied. i nodded, taking his words into consideration.
my phone lit up, i pulled it out as a smile tugged at my lips, it was a message from christian. bucky went silent, his adam's apple bobbing in his throat.
"what's up?" i asked him, frowning slightly.

"i just don't get it" he whispered, shaking his head. i cocked my head at him, showing him that i was confused. bucky licked his lower lip and continued,
"he talked to you for what? a day? and you like him. and i've been trying for god knows how long and all you do is push me away" he ranted. i swallowed deeply and shook my head at him,
"i'm sorry but-" i began to say. he scoffed bitterly, his eyes watery, the lights glimmering in them, reflecting his sadness.
"'it won't work', i know. you've told me every time, every goddamn time. but how do you know it won't work if we haven't even tried?" he asked, taking a shaky breath and running his hand through his hair. i opened my mouth to say something but no words came out,
"i know i should give up with you but i keep telling myself that you'll change your mind but you don't and i'm sorry y/n but you're fucking breaking me", he explained, his voice cracking. my eyes fluttered as tears slowly welled up, a rare feeling pitted in my stomach. the feeling of wanting to cry, wanting to cry desperately because i had hurt someone who had never purposely hurt me.
"bucky i-" i began to say,
"you know what? forget it" he chuckled, shaking his head before turning around and walking back in the direction of the compound. i watched him walk away, my teeth tugging onto my bottom lip as i ran a hand through my disheveled hair.