Two Eyes Down

I cant...

Demi lays in a ball on top of me, the Suns heat glinting through the window shades and washing over the sulked skinned beauty's face against me. Unlike the warm, glinting light, Demi's face doesn't does feel bright nor do I think it's showing a golden color. It has the vulnerability, insecurity, and dread she stopped hiding just last night. That's obvious.

I feel bad knowing that there is absolutely no affective and easy way for me to fix everything at once. I promised her it would get better, that I would do everything in my power to stop her nightmares and help her concur her fears. But how much power can I really say I have? I'm blind and afraid of anything remotely close to...

"Babe?" The soft voice moves with the lips that graze my collar bone. Their trailed by goosebumps that surface like the Sparks of a shooting star moving across the sky. Not really of course, but what has been described to me in the Disney cartoon movies from the early 2000's.

"Morning." I say, still thinking about the adrenaline that rushes through my veins. The things she does, including speaking in her groggy morning voice, tickle me.

"Whatcha thinking bout?" I feel Demi's legs shift away from her chest and move on either side of me. Her lips take mine and I smile, trying to ignore everything negative about me and the possible future.

"You." It's true, just misleading. Of course, I feel horrible not telling her everything, especially since her heart was practically falling out of her. But this is different. Much, much different. "I need to take a shower."

"Then shower." She says in her duh voice.

"Well I can't, you see;I know you can so don't make a joke about it; I have a beautiful girlfriend and she's straddling me so I can't move."

She laughs at me for making my obvious annoyance with the I CAN see, you CAN'T jokes. "Well, you could just let me join you.."

The overwhelming uneasiness must be not only in my head, but my features too, because a short humorless laugh leaves Demi. "I..I was kidding, Natalie." Then she was off me. The quickness of her actions and the heartbreak in them shattered every fear I was unsuccessfully hiding before and replaced them with so many different feelings came at once I was numb for a few seconds before I could remember my basic functions. Inhale, exhale. Wiggle fingers and toes.

Then I'm walking through the hallway of my house as fast as I dare to find her, I would have heard the door if she left. " sweetie, you know I didn't mean it like that.."

"Just go, bathe. I'll be here when you get back, I don't leave for another hour." That's it? Ouch. Then again, maybe what I did was cold too. Maybe it hurt her more, despite it being meant as a defense.

A poke is a stab to someone covered in bruises.

I walk off unsure of what to do. The hurt and anger giving her words so much diction gave off the 'don't bother' vibe.

The steamy water rushes down my bare back. I lean back to get it on my face, soaking my thoughts in it. This is when I realized she probably thinks that she isn't good enough, which isn't true. If anyone is not good enough it's me.

My hand goes all the way to the left for the body wash while I think.

Less than twenty four hours ago I told her I'd take care of her fear, but I can't seem to concur any of mine. Especially the one at play this very moment. I want her, that's for sure. But something intangible is holding me hostage. No not something, I know what it is. It made it so hard to acknowledge my love for Demi I couldn't speak sometimes and I was so numb of fright I wanted to cry, but my tears had frozen. This was bad enough as a teen, but I never loved anyone. It was just the friends I have now and the family I don't feel welcome to.

It's Like an ogre is holding my clothes to my body and my hand to myself for the most part. This has to stop. I feel like I'm going to cry if..

Actually, I've been crying for a while now. They've been washing away with the now cold water.

I finish up, thoughts of what's happened so far floating in my head.

I can't pretend it doesn't exist. It's not weak enough to push back anymore. I can't sweat at night while Demi is curled against me. I can't feel like I'm going to have a heart attack when she holds my hand. I can't down Advil like tick tacks to get ride of the migraine when I think of us in the future at the rate things are going. I can't hide the fight or flight anymore. I can't, I can't, I can't. I can't tell her about all the times I mentally tried to put her in prison. I couldn't even admit to myself that this was my fault. I blamed Dylan half the time. I don't think he has even detected we're dating.

I've had these panic attacks about us as lovers lately as feelings kept strengthening. I even thought I saw a poltergeist in my room once while she was at work.

I've tried to avoid her calls at times, her texts. But I can't, I can't do that to her. I always said I can't tell her. But now I guess I have to. Saying 'sorry, sleeping with you freaks me out' might not be the best way to handle it. She loves you, Natalie. And you love her. Deal with it. Let it sink in, you're going to have to. This being so afraid to admit anything regarding this has to stop. She deserves to know. Demi has to know. Not even admitting it to yourself so intensely that you can't breathe and won't even voice it in your head is really sad. Reasonable to me, but not to anyone else.

I hear a sharp inhale as I enter the room, followed by an uneven exhale.
"You alright, babe." The floorboard creaks as my sentence finishes.

"No, I'm not. Do I sound alright?"

"You look the same."

She tries not to laugh by yelling at me. "THIS ISNT FUCKING FUNNY! THIS IS NOT A JOKE. HAVING YOUR OWN GIRLFRIEND REJECT YOU LIKE YOULL KILL THEM WITH A SINGLE INTIMATE TOUCH IS NOT FUNNY!"

That got me insanely mad. I do my best to accept everyone's thoughts and opinions, but sometimes the characteristics of the few people I've chosen to trust. Like Dylan's explosive anger disorder.

"DONT EVEN BRING UP THAT I CANT HANDLE IT! YOU DONT UNDERSTAND, SO DONT MAKE ANY ASSUMPTIONS!"

"REALLY? WHAT WRONGDOING AM I COMMITTING? HUH? IS IT BAD THAT I LOVE YOU AND WANT TO SHOW IT MORE THAN SEEING IT? ACTIONS ARE WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS AND-"

"STOP! IF YOU BELIEVED THAT YOUD KNOW HOW DIFFICULT THIS IS! YOUD KNOW THAT YOU SAYING THAT ALONE IS HURTING ME!"

"IM NOT DOING ANYTHING! IM JUST EXPLAINING THE P-"

" YOURE CLOSING IN TOO QUICKLY, DEMI! CANT YOU SEE HOW FUCKING SCARED I AM?! I DIDNT ASK FOR THIS! I DONT WANT TO HURT YOU, BUT IM AFRAID. IM AFRAID OF A LOT MORE THAN YOU THINK."

"I DONT THINK BEING AFRAID OF NEEDLES AND DOLLS HAS ANY-"

"THAT HAS NOTHING, NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!" I screech."I HAVE APHENPHOSMPHOBIA!"

Her angry voice didn't anger that time, the silence in the room took over. It was especially eerie considering how loud it was not to long ago. If anyone was upstairs, they wouldn't be anymore." What?" She sounded guilty. She has no idea what it is, but she know s that everything she just yelled and acted hostile to me for was just explained with one word. Then again, the fact that I'm now on the floor, in a ball, whimpering may be making her feel slightly worse.

"It's the fear- the fear of intimacy."
----------------------------------------------well, that was interesting to write. Slow beginning, but it picked up, don't you agree? OVER 1000 VIEWS!!! DNFJFKFJELSNDENOVUEBL OMG YOU PEOPLE ARE GREAT. VOTE AND COMMENT!!! And sorry, totally didn't forget to update this yesterday. Biology sucks!!!!!!