Two Eyes Down

Lighthouse

Knock knock knock

I groan at the first sign of another human being. I haven't as much as spoken to another human being since the doctor thing two days ago. I keep receiving text messages from Demi, but I delete them before even listening to the message. I miss her, but I don't want to talk to her right now. Not unless she's here, which she will be soon. Her flight got in an hour ago and I'm sure she's coming for me to give me a piece of her mind for ignoring her. Doesn't she get it? I'm fucked up. I don't have control over any aspect of my life. Not even the surgery, the insurance company will be on my ass the second they get the bill. I can't get a grip on my eyes. I can't get a grip on my surgery. I can't get a grip on my feelings. My emotions, my relationship, my Demi. Nothing. It's always close enough to poke it, but never to grab it.

After only five seconds, I hear my front door swung open and slam shut before hurried footsteps walk down the hallway.

"Natalie, what's wrong? you won't answer any of my texts or calls, your friends are worried. I'm worried." Demi's lips close in on me but I squirm away at her display of affection.

"nothing. Just not very talkative."

It's true. I'm not. That's why I want zero contact. I'm not feeling anything negative toward them. It's to myself, I'm upset and I'm angry. I need to open up. I need to let Demi in. But I can't. I can't even tell her about the eye surgery. I'm a coward. Always have, probably always will be. This is why I can't make big decisions. I always wimp out. examples: eye surgery, Demi after making a move.

I can't make decision because I'm afraid I'll make a stupid mistake and fuck someone over, myself included. One thing Demi doesn't have into her head. Don't push me. Because I will push back. Just like when she yelled at me last time. I screamed at her and then tears were shed.

"Nat, please. All you have to do is tell me."

"I thought you would get it already. Go away. I'll call you tomorrow." I say dismissively

Demi's hand touches my arm and this time I don't squirm. I stand up and look in her general direction. Is she blind? Can she not see my discomfort? Is she a robot and cannot feel my nervous energy? I don't know, but I'm not dealing with this right now.

"What did I do wrong? I just want to spend time with my girlfriend because I love-"

"don't." I interrupt with my index finger in the air in a low voice." Do not say that. Loving someone is understanding their weaknesses. Loving someone is turning around when necessary and and coming forth when needed. This, pushing me when it's clear that I'm on the edge, is not love. This,pushing me off the edge of a virtual cliff and watching me fall, is a lack of understanding and a lack of 'love'. Whatever that is."

"Natalie, tell me what's in your mind, just talk to me. It's all I ask. This isn't you. You're sweet and compassionate and-"

"THIS IS ME, ITS ALL ME. DEAL WITH IT. DONT TELL ME WHO I AM AND AM NOT, I KNOW WHAT I AM. IM STUCK HERE, LIVING IN THIS LITTLE HELL, ALL OF IT IS BLACK AND DARK AND EVEN IF IT WASNT, I CANT FUCKING SEE!"

"I CAN BE THAT LIGHT. ILL BE YOUR LIGHTHOUSE. ILL GUIDE YOU. ILL STAY CONSISTENT. AND I WILL NEVER, EVER GO OUT. I CAN BE YOUR INFINITE, I CAN BE THAT BRIGHT LIGHT." She huffs, and the yelling of frustration goes temporarily calm. "You just have to put your faith in me."

I put my faith in demi a long time ago. It just seems to always jump away from her.

"IM TRYING BUT YOU KNOW I CANT. I CANT INVEST BECAUSE IM HOLDING MYSELF BACK. I'm not trying to, but that's what is happening. I'm doing everything I can to hold down the ties but it all comes undone on me and I crash and then I just end up shipwrecked." We have reached part two. I am now whimpering my words as I fight a combination of tears, thick saliva, and snot.

A random floorboard creaks under Demi as she slowly comes toward me. her arms slither around my shoulders and I stand their totally stiff, but soon enough the tears push through my eyes and I collapse into the familiar scent of Demi. As I stand there, sobbing into her chest while she shh's me and squeezes my almost limp body, flashes of us screen through my head.

Her falling on me. Our first date. Our second. Her trying to teach me go drive. Her pushing me off a bridge. Her teaching me to swim. Our first kiss. Our first fight. Our first time sleeping in a close proximity. To now. Her, holding me, she has to much weight on her shoulders. I'm to much weight on her shoulders. But no matter how heavy I get, she continues on, insisting we'll get through it. And we do.

I'm slowly slipping under this girl's spell, and I'm perfectly okay with it.

My shit that is dragging like a ball and chain behind me, on the other hand, is not. That is why I'm so torn. My laundry list of fears doesn't let me do what I want.

I'm trapped at sea in a boat, alone, with only my thoughts to keep me company. Every disorder, every secret, every conflicting emotion, is a hole in my sails. It's evident they are there, but there is almost nothing I can do at the moment. The jagged rocks that are most likely ahead worry me, but I can't avoid them without a light source. Demi is that light source, she's out there somewhere, shining a bright yellow light upon the rising tide of the dark sea.

But no matter how hard I squint, I can't see it.

But hopefully, I will soon.
----------------------------------------------short af. But I feel good about it. It was nice to write. Should I do a lighthouse poem? It could be a bonus chapter. Just comment a yes and I'll do it. Vote, comment, and follow if you like. I won't push you but it is really appreciated. You are all fantabulous! See Ya.

Do you understand Natalie's analogy?