Fate/ Dire Paradox (Jeanne Alter X Male Reader)

Chapter 30

At a moment's notice, it felt like I was back at square one, Jeanne... her gaze is something you would associate with 'staring at a stranger' and right now I am not entirely far from that reality.

But I am torn.

A part of me is too scared to face what I might become and the other is too scared to prevent it from ever taking my body. If that were to happen - what would happen to the person I am now? Would he simply just die? Or would he cease to exist?

Lifting myself from the chair, Jeanne reacts as if she wanted to say something but instead winces and shakes her head as she returns her gaze back to her hands.

Treading slowly to the bathroom, I stop in front of the mirror above the sink. Lifting my hair out of my face I look at the face staring back at me and in a matter of a day the happiness I felt... it was fleeting.

"Hey," I hear Jeanne's voice on the other side of the door, "Say something if you are still yourself."

I smile at the attempt at humour, "For now. Guess we are both a little spooked after that one."

"An understatement if I ever heard one. Can I come in?"

I then ask, "Are we suddenly strangers now?" grinding my teeth together I look at the door with a pained stare.

She retorts just as quickly, "It would be hard to have a serious conversation about your life when you are naked," she pushes through the door with a pretty angry gaze.

I rub the back of my neck, "Yeah, sorry. I am not really thinking straight right now."

"Leaving me to be the levelheaded one is not really ideal but I will do what I can," she then leans against the opening, "I never expected to be scared of anything in my life but you are turning out to be my first of everything."

"I feel honored," I chuckle, "Well... with some of them at least."

She then gestures to the door with her head, "Let's talk somewhere else."

I nod, waiting at the door she reaches for my hand pulling me along. Leading me to the edge of the bed. I sit down as she drops down on her back staring up at the ceiling.

"Man... it is too much to ask for anything to go as planned."

"I mean it has been somewhat going according to plan," I state, "Just theirs and not ours."

"Thanks, really takes the load off."

"Sorry. I am really scraping the bottom of the barrel here."

She then tugs at my shirt, I turn around as she pats on the bed. I lower myself next to her as she wraps herself around my arm. Shutting her eyes tightly she takes a deep breath before speaking.

"Whatever is inside you, I don't think it is something that can take control. If you were able to push it out then it probably acts like an egg that can only hatch when your mental barrier is broken."

I then ask, "You think it works like that?"

"I think so. I don't understand these things, you are the expert."

I then state what is on my mind, "I am on the fence. I have no idea what to expect and honestly, I feel like your explanation is a more than likely possibility. That it was always in me but there was never a time where my body wasn't under my control," I then furrow my brow, "Then why didn't it take over when I died with Berserker?"

"It hasn't fully developed yet?" she suggests.

"Plausible. That we still had a connection to the Grail and your wish either interfered with it taking over or practically helped it from within me," I then lift to the wound from when Mordred stabbed me, "Back then those marking were there. So it must have been there for a while."

"Do you think it can be controlled?"

I shake my head, "No. I was pushed out - maybe because I died but I could hear... feel that when my memories returned that whatever that was. It wasn't entirely excited about it at all."

She then states, "Well... on the positive side if does take over you might become like me."

"But without my memories. It won't be the person that is right next to you."

"I know," she says with a sigh.

"The crude humor is helping," I state with a chuckle, "Besides I don't think anything else will help."

"If you keep it up I am going to beat the negativity out of you," she warns me.

I then lift myself, "We should get some sleep. I promise to get working on it and some solutions tomorrow."

She nods, lifting herself she heads to one of the closets and gets dressed into her usual nightwear as I do the same. Last, to head to bed, I crawl to her side throwing my arms around her middle to snuggle into her.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"Let me have this much," I say.

"Fine fine, though I want to cuddle into you tomorrow."

I feel her fingers gently trailing through my hair, "Jeanne. Thanks for helping me feel a little bit better. I mean even if it doesn't seem like it, I was... afraid that you would be uncomfortable with me."

"Why? Just because there is a monster inside you?" she then says in a cold tone, "There are monsters inside all of us. Some of us have become it already."

"Monster or not, I love you."

"And I you, pour toujours."

"Pardon?"

She then says it softly, as if embarrassed, "Always and forever."

"Yeah, always and forever."