the love pact

12/2016

I'm posting an article and close my laptop. Since I came back from New York the first time things got messed up. Chris started having panic attacks up to three times a week and even worse when I'm with Seba.

Seba is hurt every time I leave to go back to Los Angeles. Chris is jealous that I'm taking my time to write in my own apartment but when I'm in New York I'm staying all the time with Sebastian. I spent some time at different sets with them, but they were all in the United States.

I feel uncomfortable with the situation and I hate hurting both of them so much. I hope hiking the PCT will help me clear my thoughts and sort out my feelings. And if not... maybe I should just leave both of them. It's not fair.

I get up and climb on my fire escape, sitting down and look above Los Angeles. Sometimes I hate Chris for putting us into this situation. Sometimes I hate both for not saying how they feel and that they want to stop it.

Most of the time I hate myself for not being able to decide what I want. Who I want.

I lean my back against the wall, rubbing my face. They went crazy when it came to Christmas plans.

I was at home in my apartment and we had a zoom call, Seba, Chris and me.

"Well I'm spending Christmas at my parents' in Sudbury, as always with Y/N. Right?" Chris looked at the camera, his eyes piercing.

"I know you got your traditions, but... you can't just decide she's spending Christmas and New Years Eve with you because of them." Sebastian shook his head.

I propped my head in my hands and sighed. "Guys, can we just please... I will spend Christmas alone. I don't want to have a stressful Christmas with timelines and flights and I don't know what else. I just want a merry time, okay?" I looked at them both.

"Wait, what? You... you never spend Christmas alone since your parents died...", Chris demands, his eyes widen. "Sorry..."

I ran a hand through my hair and shook my head. "Maybe it's time to do that. I don't know, okay? I don't want to be the divorced child this Christmas. So everyone's spending their Christmas time with their family. You're staying in New York with your family and Chris, you're going to Sudbury to meet your family. It's fine."

Sebastian sighed. "So you spend Christmas alone? I don't like that..."

"Me neither. Are you really sure?", Chris asked.

I nodded. "Of course I am. I'm an adult; of course I can be alone. Don't worry guys. Just spend a nice time with your families."

Now it's the 23rd December and Chris took off to Sudbury this morning. And now I think it was the shittiest idea I ever had to spend Christmas alone.

I bite my lip and look inside because the doorbell rang. I quickly climb back inside to run to the door. I push the button for the speakers.

"Who's there?"

"Uh, LA bike courier. I've got a delivery for... Y/N Y/L/N."

I push the door open and take my keys, leaving the apartment and run downstairs to get it.

The guy hands me a small envelope and I sign that I got it before slowly walking back upstairs, looking at the white envelope. There's nothing on it except my name.

I close the apartment door and open it to find flight tickets. At the same time my phone rings and I look on the display before picking up.

"Seba? Did you just..."

He interrupts me. "Yeah. Just in case you don't want to spend Christmas alone you're always welcome here. Just to let you know, if you change your mind... I got tickets for you."