the love pact

10/2019-10/2020

I'm shifting uncomfortably on the soft, anthracite couch in the modern decorated room of my therapist. Her name is Linda and she's really nice. She does a really good job.

„So, Y/N, how do you feel today?", she asks me, smiling friendly but not pushing me to talk about things I'm not ready to. „Last time you said you're not sure about your feelings."

I look up to her, thinking about her question. I sigh and brush my hair back with my hand.

„I... feel unsteady. Like... I'm alone. Lonely. I miss him every day. He told me to sell the villa and the cars and everything to make my dream come true, or to live my dream with writing and having a small apartment like I always wanted... but... I can't. I..."

I take a deep breath to stop my bottom lip from trembling.

„Did you think about ending your life?", her voice is soft now. I shake my head.

„No... it's... it's just hard to find a way to be okay after this. Like... I... I would give everything for one more day with him, like... I found this song some days ago and I can't stop thinking about it because it's... it's so perfect... it goes like..."

I bite my lip and try to recite the words which are stuck in my head for days now.

„I would give my eyes if I could see you one last time, and I would give my arms if I could hold you into mine. I would give my lungs if I could feel your air inside, and I would take your place so you could stay the rest in mine."

She nods, listening to me in silence.

„There's nothing I wouldn't give for time. I think about your smile ear to ear, I'll miss you more with every single year. But you made us promise, no more tears. Still what I wouldn't give to have you here."

I bite my lip and shake my head.

„But you also told me... there was another man in your life before you married Chris. You said, this man was the love of your life, not Chris. Do you want to talk about that?"

I look at her. „Sebastian... his name is Sebastian... I... he definitely was the love of my life. But I chose Chris. I chose Chris because he needed me. He needed me to be okay... and that's what love is all about, right? To choose someone else before your own... I chose Chris before me... otherwise I would've married Sebastian, I'm sure about that. But... I loved Chris for more than 20 years. And that's sick because I'm only 26."

She hands me the box with the tissues and I take one to wipe my tears away.

„Love is not choosing someone else before your own needs, Y/N. Love is looking after the one you love but also fulfilling your own needs. You said Chris knew that he wasn't the love of your life. How do you know?"

„He told me... he made a video where he said that he knew that I was the love of his life but he's not mine... and he doesn't want me to grieve for the rest of my life because I'm still young and... and all he wants is me to be happy..."

„So what would make you happy?"

I look at her, still tears in my eyes. „I don't know..."

„What made you happy before?"

„Writing... sitting on the fire escape in New York watching the snow fall... sitting on my fire escape in my small apartment in Los Angeles, watching the sun set... surfing... painting..."

She nods and leans forward, her smile fading.

„I want you to think about selling everything here and moving to New York. It's October, you can move there before the winter starts. You can buy yourself a small apartment with a fire escape, watching sunsets or snow falling down. What is holding you back?"